Working my way back
Monday, February 23, 2009
It's been quite some time since I have logged into SparkPeople or took the time to track anything I have been doing. While I'm please that some great habits have stayed right with me, I have found myself losing control, but to explain what is going on right now I have to look back.
Most of my life I have dealt with depression and it's symptoms in various degrees. Over the past 4 months I feel like my life has been turned upside down and I fell into one of the worst states of depression I have ever had. I lost 30 pounds, quit smoking, was regularly taking anti-depressants and was exercising 5 out of 7 days a week. Where I should have felt great, I was always tired and stopped seeing the benefits of my lifestyle.
I stopped logging into SparkPeople because I literally couldn't stand the upbeat and encouraging posts (as awful as that sounds!). This is primarily because I could no longer fake enthusiasm I didn't have and I didn't know how to express what I was feeling.
My two oldest children are my step daughters and in January the oldest (13) went back to live with her mother after 5 years with us. While there have been many issues with her, I feel like a part of me has been ripped away.
I started seeing a therapist in early December to help me through the transition of Heather leaving and ended up delving into a whole set of issues I had long buried and thought had no influence on my life today. Needless to say, I couldn't have been more wrong so I'm working through it one day at a time.
One thing that is blatantly obvious is my pattern of self-sabotage and how it coincides with my feeling of self worth. I started smoking again, quit exercising (on a scheduled basis) and didn't bother to track what I was eating because my guestimations told me I wouldn't like what was there. I have told myself I am worth the effort and that is something my head realizes by my heart needs some time to catch up.
So, logging into SparkPeople today is my first step in really trying to give myself some credit for what I have accomplished here (and in my life). While I'm not ready to post in my teams just yet, I'm glad I took this step.