HOCKEYM0M28

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I'm a SP Fraud and Liar...

Saturday, September 19, 2009

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It's been quite a while since I've been on the site...

To say I've been struggling is the ultimate understatement. Things are not going well in my personal and work life.

I have found a real friend in my kitchen.

At my highest weight loss, I was at 52 lbs lost... emoticon Over the holidays, I gained a few lbs back... No biggie, it's the holidays. I'll get back on track after they're over... So I thought... emoticon

It's been downhill ever since. The weight has been creeping back up... not necessarily 1 lb at a time. More like big decisive chunks... emoticon

What's up with that?...

I had dinner with my friend last night. She has not gained any of her weight back. ( If you're listening Amanda, you look BEAUTIFUL!!! emoticon ) Instead of feeling jealous, I was happy for her!! My maturity level here would make my mom so proud!!!

She really looks great and has got me thinking again. I did this once before, I can do it again.
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I'm tired of waking up in the morning and still feeling full from the meal the night before. emoticon

I mean, come on, how wrong is that!!!

I'm tired of being tired all the time. Why haven't I learned my lesson? emoticon How big of a moron am I?

Why am I so self destructive?

I feel a bit of a "spark" in me this morning. emoticon

Rather than grab my usual emoticon and remote, I grabbed my emoticon and got on my very dusty elliptical and worked for 11 minutes. On level 1, that's all I could do and thought I'd die doing that!

I'm gonna make this a great eating day. I WILL stay within my caloric range and I WILL get on the elliptical 2 more times today...

Today is gonna be a good day! emoticon

Why am I a SP fraud and liar you ask...

My page still says 30 lbs lost... emoticon

I will be changing that reflect a BIG GOOSE EGG emoticon

I'm gonna read the blogs of my Spark friends to find reinforcements.

Thank you WistfulVista, for the idea to blog as soon as the binge feeling starts... I'm definitely gonna do that. Let's see how many times I end up blogging today alone...

Wish me luck!!! I'm gonna need it!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ZVER1028
    Susan,

    You are not a fraud - far from it! You are real and human and are going through a lot of sh*t! I think with all of us - we use food when things are out of control - or maybe I should speak for myself here. It is the only thing that I feel I have control over - is the food that I eat and the planning that takes place to eat the food.

    One day at a time girlfriend - we are going to make it through this. Keep pushing forward - 11 minutes is fantastic - really!

    Love you lots,
    Lisa
    4170 days ago
  • RUNNER4LIFE08
    Sometimes all it takes is writing it all down.

    This is a hard journey but a life time change.... it doesn't happen over night. So you had a set back and now it is time to hit that reset button and start all over again.

    You can do it! Believe in yourself!!!!
    4173 days ago
  • WARRIOR11209
    You are being very honest and by no means a fraud! Everyone of us has had a period of time when we have fallen off the wagon , so to speak. This time will be different because you made the decision to start making changes that will result in you feeling better and losing weight .
    COngrats on taking the first step emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4175 days ago
  • VERITY50
    I am so proud of you for getting back in the saddle. Anyone who has lost has had a relapse. Welcome back!
    4175 days ago
  • SAMMIESHOEQUEEN
    Wow! I'm impressed by the honesty in your blog - I'm not sure I would have the courage to say those things in an open forum (I'm still keeping my journal private as I'm too shy to share). Your blog has made me realize that even when we think negative thoughts about ourselves, we're not alone - we have SP.
    You have a lot of support on here, and kudos to you for reaching out!

    I'm sure you will get back on track and wish you luck in reaching your goal. You can do it!
    4175 days ago
  • NASCAR_CHICK
    I have been there too... and honestly am just FINALLY getting myself back on track again! Everyone has those times in their life where they get sidetracked, backtracked, and whatever other type of "tracked" there is!

    The difference between you & I and the others who find themselves in the same situation is that we called ourselves on it and made the choice to get BACK ON TRACK!

    Good for you! You're right... you have done it before... and you WILL do it again!
    4175 days ago
  • HICALGAL
    girl friend, this took a lot of courage and strong character to share. i wish you all the best on restarting your journey and hope you know that i am rootin for you all the way. we're in this together and we can do this together!!

    debbie emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4175 days ago
  • MARTANYDIATORRE
    Be kind to yourself as you would be to someone else.You are no t a liar or a moron just human.We tend to be harsher with ourselves than with our worst enemies.
    This is a new day you got the tools you can do it .Just start one step at time .You have just given the first step.

    Marta Nydia emoticon
    4176 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2946534
    Welcome back & you CAN do it! We're here for you, no matter what!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4176 days ago
  • WISTFULVISTA
    Awww, sweetie...you are neither an SP Fraud or a Liar! In fact, this blog entry reflects that you are as honest as honesty itself. I'll always maintain that if this weight thing weren't such a battle for so many of us, there would simply be no SP at all. I've been having a rough patch, too...but I am determined not to let my weight go over 179 (not that 179 is a good goal - it's just an upper limit right now). But the number doesn't matter; the behaviors do! I sense a pretty doggone strong sense of readiness within you to tackle weight loss once again...a real resoluteness! We can all do this...but the line from start to finish isn't necessarily unbroken or short. All the best to you, and I'm so glad you're blogging again! - Susan
    4176 days ago
  • BIONIC2
    YOU CAN DO IT!!
    4176 days ago
  • CODEMAULER
    "I'm tired of being tired all the time. Why haven't I learned my lesson?
    How big of a moron am I?
    Why am I so self destructive?"

    I know I've said those things to myself and I would NEVER utter them to anyone else (well, maybe just a few people). Recognizing the need for a change is HUGE and doing something to make the change happen is EVEN BIGGER.

    You're on the right track. Keep up the progress, turn to your SparkFriends for motivation and keep yourself as a friend while you do it! ~ Trish
    4176 days ago
  • SOPHIKKO
    You will overcome this.. I think it has happened to all of us at some point.

    You have already made some great changes today! I hope you tracked your fitness minutes and water.
    4176 days ago
  • SERENA_DOVE
    wishing you all the best as you reclaim your weight loss victory. good luck to you!
    4176 days ago
  • KVM23.
    You've got such renewed vigor I have no doubts that you will hop right back on the bandwagon and stay on.

    Good luck with your goals today, stay strong and it will get easier with every passing day!
    4176 days ago
  • ONCE4ME
    WOW- very brave of you to write that! good for you for taking the first step to get back on track emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4176 days ago
  • TAMIP62
    Sweetie you're not a fraud or a liar. You are human. You made a mistake and you owned up to it. That puts you a step ahead of many people who simply close their eyes and keep making the same mistake over and over. You can do it--again. Learn from the mistake and don't make it again and it makes you stronger. emoticon
    4176 days ago
  • LEEPFROG95
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    Taking the first steps the make changes are often hard and make us feel uneasy...but you are on your way.... and making changes, in small ways changes things slowly into new good habits... you can do it ....I know you can... and you are off to a great start today...
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    have a QUICK FIRIN kind of day...
    emoticon
    Mic
    4176 days ago
  • JILLTBNAGART
    Your mind is in the right place. That is the hardest and very last part of me that wants to be on a weight loss journey. I think you're going to do just fine.

    Good luck!!!
    4176 days ago
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