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Heartbreak.

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Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Heartbreak.

I know everybody has ups and downs, I know I'm not the only one to go through heartbreak, but It's been heartbreak after heartbreak all my life.


Over a year ago I was very depressed with my life and how it was going. I have been trying to get my life in order all my adult life. Here's how it all went.


Heartbreak began with my first divorce at 18. We had no children, we were only married 18 months. He was very abusive..mentally, physically, and verbally. We were just way too young to be married and he was just way too jealous.
Heartbreak.

I married again a few short years later to my childhood sweetheart. He had moved away to another state when we were in middle school. He moved back to Texas a few years later. We fell in love again and married. . By the time he moved back here, I was divorced from the 1st husband and 21. I became pregnant and THAT is when my weight issues began. I weighed around 130 when I found out I was pregnant. I gained 68 lbs with her! NO ONE told me I'd regret gaining that much weight! I used my pregnancy to eat what I wanted, all I wanted, when I wanted it! WOW! I had NO clue that weight could be gained so easily. I knew after that! To make a long story short, this marriage didn't hold up either. We were married for close to a year. He wasn't ready to settle down all the way and raise our child together as a family, so we divorced. Now I was unmarried again, with a beautiful baby girl to raise all on my own, as he chose to live as an alcohol and drug addict.
Hearbreak.

So, my baby girl and I moved back home with my parents. I finished cosmetology school. I met and married husband #3. By the time I met him, I was 23, my daughter was about a year and a half old and I was around 135 lbs. I had managed to drop all the weight from the first pregnancy. Once we were married and settling into a family together, he adopted my first daughter. I was happy. He and I both started gaining weight. I weighed around 150 when I became pregnant with baby girl #2. I didn't gain as much this time, but I started out heavier too. So, I shot back up hovering around 200 when she was born. I struggled with that weight and more all these years. I'm guessing if I counted up all the times I lost 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100+lbs and regained it, I'd sh!t twice and die! It's ridiculous! Husband #3 and I stayed married for 13 years and we both yo-yo'd on the scale the whole time. From one extreme to another. This marriage starting falling apart after his affair with his co-worker about 10 years into our marriage. I tried to make it work. Divorce #3 was born.
Heartbreak.

Somewhere in the middle of those 13 years I had 2 brothers commit suicide. (they died 3 years apart)
Heartbreak.
My dear sweet daddy died at 70 of bone and lung cancer.
Heartbreak.
Another abusive relationship after divorce #3
Heartbreak.
My 3rd and last brother living, died at 58, with brain cancer.
Heartbreak.
My sweet, generous, loving, petite mom died at 82, 8 months later in her sleep.
Heartbreak!!!!

After my last, and only brother left passed away in ('06) I started drinking again and my eating got out of control, I stopped journaling, I started re-gaining all the weight I had so painstakingly lost in '05. I cut back work to 2-3 days a week and dedicated alot of my time to my mom, till she passed away. I felt so sorry for her, losing not only her husband, but all of her 3 sons. I felt sorry for myself. I had no immediate family left after she was gone. Thank God I had my beautiful girls and their children!

In the late summer of '08 I was once again fat, lazy and depressed and if that wasn't enough I was a heavy daily drinker. I hated my life. My relationship was going sour, the economy was affecting my work, I had no drive, no energy, just a waste of air and space. Just existing. I was to a point where I wanted to leave my b/f and strike back out on my own. BUT. I couldn't seem to do anything about it because of my depression, my drinking and my weight. I'm still not sure what jarred me into reality but I knew something had to give. I was miserable. I was over-whelmed. I somehow got a grip and decided to stop the drinking first. I would never be able to drop this burden of weight if I continued to drink. I knew I didn't want my grandchildren to grow up and remember their grandmother as a weak, fat, lazy, drunk. I knew I couldn't manage my life anymore with all these burdens. My new life was born.

Fast-forward to the year '09. I have slayed all the demons that I have allowed to hurt and hinder me. All but one. Now I am willing and able to finally pack my belongings and move forward with my life. I am now in the process of leaving this relationship. It's time. I gave it 1 year from the day I started my journey again to hopefully repair itself. That year is up and then some. The relationship is no better. if anything it's worse. I have no excuses to stay anymore, I did all I knew how to do to save it. It's time to move on.
Heartbreak.

As I write this I have been gathering boxes, getting my lakehouse ready to paint, buying and laying new flooring, hunting for window treatments and new bedding.I'm hoping to be living in my lakehouse by the new year. I'm ready for the next chapter of my life. Bring it on!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • NVYGRL07
    Wow...after reading this I don't think anyone should be complaining about their life lol You truely are an inspiration and I pray that you and your little ones are at peace :) Best wishes!
    3728 days ago
  • CARLENE3356
    You know, out of all the stories I read today, yours was the BEST! I can relate to you on the weight, the relationships, grandchildren and wanting to start over new. I love your new look and I sure hope I can look as wonderful as you when all my weight is gone. Thank you for your story. YOU have inspired me. 041310/ca
    3885 days ago
  • KATEBOLES
    Wow, you have been through a LOT. Good for you for making it through and keeping up the great work. Keep it up, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. You are gorgeous!
    3899 days ago
  • GETFITTER7
    Wow...I missed this blog...trying to catch up with so much reading. I have stated that you are an inspiration to me. But after reading this YOU ARE A TRUE INSPIRATION!! I am so sorry that you had to go through so many of these heartbreaks in your life, but I see what a strong person you are! Yes, people would just give up and not change their life...but you CHOSE to go a different road and I am glad you did. I wish all of the joys you deserve!! emoticon emoticon
    3902 days ago
  • LEAHANNE1989
    This is a help to me. I read this on your page a while back. I am in the process of letting go of unhealthy food and people. Hence my new life is going to be born. Such a tremendous selfless soul you have to share your journey and encourage all.

    Thank you a million times. emoticon
    3904 days ago
  • HILLCOUNTRYLYNN
    moving on is hard, but it looks like you have an enormous amount of strength. It is the heartbreaks that mold us into a strong person.
    3921 days ago
  • IVORYGIRL1776
    May only beauty, peace, and joy be yours from this time forward.

    Ivorygilr
    3956 days ago
  • no profile photo HALFOFHEART
    i understand how you feel. im trying to find the strength to move on with my life. i never knew you could be in a relationship and be so lonely. i feel used and stupid. emoticon
    3960 days ago
  • LEAN2BE
    Thanks for sharing your amazing, heartbreaking journey! They say God does not give us more than we can handle...You are obviously a tough cookie! Congratulations on finding your way!
    3967 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4269557
    You are making lemonaid out of lemons and I admire your willpower and strength.
    3990 days ago
  • LOVINGMYSELF101
    Thank you for sharing all your 'heartbreak', it meant a lot for me to read all of this and know how we all must struggle with what life deals out. I asked my therapist once why everything had to be so hard, his reply? Because it is.

    I wish you all the best and commend you on all your courage, determination, and wisdom that you have achieved through all this.

    (((hugs))) -rose
    3994 days ago
  • RASLALIQUE
    Thank you for sharing this. I wish you all the best with your new life. Your track record shows that you are a strong person. Look at all the amazing things you have overcome!
    3997 days ago
  • 09ISMINEDN
    Thank you for sharing, and I can relate to your story in more ways that I could ever tell you. What I can tell you is the lessons we learn only makes us stronger. You (like myself) are a Survivor!!!! Hugs and praise to you for kicking the drinking habit, that could not have been easy. I'm sure your kids love you for it, and your now living a cleaner healthier life and setting a good example for your grandchildren. I wish you much happiness at your LakeHouse (sounds wonderful). Have a wonderful christmas and the happiest and healthiest New Year!!!
    Debbie in Ohio emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3997 days ago
  • GLORILEE
    Thanks for sharing and Good Luck on your Journey. Is not to exposed religion on you but the power of prayer do works wonder. Jehovah in your life make everything little better. Things are not going to happen quickly but eventually are going to happen. Best wishes!! emoticon
    3999 days ago
  • MASE72
    You are one strong person emoticon emoticon
    3999 days ago
  • NRLB75
    Wow. I'm not sure what to say. I want to reach out and hug you. I know this is a story about victory, but you almost made me cry (& I'm sooo not a crier). I don't even know you and I'm proud of you. Way to go! If we lived near by I'd come help you move. I hope the lakehouse is safe, warm, healthy, happy, and prosperous - everything you deserve!
    Again - wow. Have a very happy holiday. I already know you're going to have a great New Year.
    Let us know how the move goes!
    4000 days ago
  • TSTRING
    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I've had a really rocky one too. I'm currently trying to break that very demon down that seems to have plagued you in relationships. Somewhere along the way, I forgot to love MYSELF enough to not tolerate any form of abuse, but I was taught from a very early age by a step-father, that this was "normal", this was "acceptable", this was "all I was worth". I think that's why I've gained so much weight back, and now am starting over again. oh Well, I was on here trying to look for apartments, wondering how in the heck I'm going to afford one. I just know I have to break the pattern. It was comforting to know that someone has had even more heartbreak than me, because sometimes I've wondered if the powers that be hate me or something. I hope this new chapter of yours is a very happy one. I hope you find peace and contentment. I hope you find that serenity that you've been looking for, and please know I'M PULLING FOR YOU! emoticon
    4000 days ago
  • DANAVB
    What an amazing story of a strong will and spirit. Your heart has indeed broken so many times and for excellent reasons...but the thing is, that for it to break again, you had to heal it (or in some cases just patch it together with tape and bubble gum) but you've continued to know that you can allow your heart to heal and do what it takes to protect it.

    Congratulations! emoticon
    4001 days ago
  • TENACIOUSTRISH
    Thank you for sharing your deepest heartbreak. All those listed are challenges in life and you were down for a bit but bounced right back into a stellar you...now pat yourself on the back and keep up the great work. You look wonderful!
    4001 days ago
  • ZSAZSAJANNY
    I don't want to sound unsympathetic but try to look at life from the other point of view. Is the glass half-empty? Or is it half-full?

    If you realize that everyone has burdens to bear and you just have some different ones than others, it might be a little esier to handle. I found out over the years that there are a whole lot of people out there that are going through some REALLY hard stuff. Often, we just never hear about it because of the way they 'tackle' those problems.

    Over the past year, I've encountered some real tough issues and had the fortune (misfortune? nah,....I don't think so) to have to walk alongside some friends who were dealing with things much tougher than me. Why do these awful things happen? I sure don't have an answer to that but I do know that how we deal with them makes all the difference in how we 'come out the other end or side'. A positive attitude will give us opportunity to grow and learn from our mistakes.

    Crap will happen to all of us at some point, that's just life. A smile on our face and a positive attitude will allow us to move forward with a much greater chance of success at future endeavours! Chin up! Each 'heartbreak' was tough but it has definitely made you a better person.
    emoticon emoticon You are moving forward with 'life' education! Yeah!!!
    4001 days ago
  • LAURIE5658
    I don't know how I missed this blog entry! You have been such a wonderful friend to me and I missed this! As fellow Sparkers have stated. all of these experiences are lessons and with each one you became stronger. Look at you now!!! You are absolutely gorgeous and you worked for it in a very healthy manner! Congratulations on the new YOU!

    emoticon
    4001 days ago
  • EMERALDKATE
    Keep on going! Thank you so much for sharing you story. Take this time to take care of yourself and do things to make you happy and feel confident about yourself. Because you are making this effort, good things and people will come into your life. All of this heartbreak WILL be worth it. I wish you all of the best!
    4003 days ago
  • AUGUST_66
    I'm glad you are getting better sounds like you overcame alot issues best to you and thanks for sharing. emoticon
    4005 days ago
  • 145HEALTHY
    All those "Heartbreaks" were lessons in disguise. I applauded you for for having the courage to move forward after each challenge.

    Wishing the best in preparing your new nest and new life. It's funny how when you know you can do anything on your own (without a significant other), the right partner shows up to compliment you, like icing on a cake.

    May the new year bring you joy , happiness, and opportunities to grow wiser.
    4007 days ago
  • MACGIRRL
    Talk about perspective. emoticon emoticon Thank you. emoticon
    4008 days ago
  • ZANE1994
    I just happened to find your blog. I am so glad I did! You are an inspiration to anyone. Not for the fact that you have lost a lot of weight, but for your spirit. So much heartache, but you have still found it in your heart to keep it moving, never giving up, thinking of others as well as yourself. You look fabulous! I hope that things work out for you, but after reading your blog I know you will be ok. emoticon
    4008 days ago
  • NATALIE1964
    I was just passing by , I came upon your page and read your story .You are a survivor.!! No other word can describe what you have been through.
    You lost 100 pounds two times .!!??
    . I too regained the weight but could never imagine loosing it again..
    but now,
    today ,
    you give me so much hope...
    thank you and keep looking forward
    you are great!
    bye
    Natalie emoticon
    4008 days ago
  • FLORENCE4
    You are an inspiration to me. We have alot of things in common in your post Heartbreak. I hope to become as strong as you and finally drop the weight and get my life in order. Take care and Good luck in all that you do.
    Flo
    4008 days ago
  • WESTCOASTRABBIT
    You know what, you totally rock. emoticon It's not easy to pick yourself up when you get down so low - I know I've been there too. And you know what else, you need a man like a fish needs a bicycle. All these years you've had no one to count on but you and you've looked after yourself. You've done what you needed to do. You've raised 2 children. You've overcome all obstacles. You are a conqueror. I say don't even consider getting involved with another man until you find one that gets that.
    4008 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1808545
    Wow! You have had an amazingly hard life! You have come through this a better, stronger and more loving person. You are beautiful, inside and out!

    The lakehouse sounds great, lucky you had it waiting for you.
    4008 days ago
  • FOXXYROXXYD
    Thanks so much for sharing your journey - ours parallels in many ways - "baby weight", divorces and bad relationships... Everyone has their own heartbreaks and as much as they hurt, they are also what shapes us and makes us who we are. I believe the saying, "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger" (not the exact quote). Best wishes on the next chapter - look how far you have come! Enjoy!
    Happy Trails!
    4008 days ago
  • KNITTERGAL73
    You've gone through more in a few years than most people deal with in a lifetime. So glad you're doing good now.
    4009 days ago
  • KLMGSU07
    Thanks so much for sharing your journey. I wish you the best of luck!!!
    4009 days ago
  • JMYERS7981
    That was so inspiring. I have had lots of heatbeak in my life too; I have had 2 divorces and lost people special to me, they have left me, and my remaining family is not close. I do have 2 grown childen, but my daughter is on the other side of the world. I only get to see her 1x a yr for about a month in-btween her friends, and my son and I have difficulties.I do have some friends but friends do come and go.
    I am afraid I have not gotten through the depression yet. I am so glad you shared your story- you don't know how many people you will touch. But you don't know why you finally decided to change things? Thank you for being so open and sharing.
    God bless. I added you as a friend and hope you will keep in touch.
    Jane
    4009 days ago
  • ESCOBA8008
    Thanks for sharing, you're a strength inspiration!
    4009 days ago
  • DAREESWIFE
    Heartbreak,
    I know this is going to be hard for you but YOU GO GIRL. A lake house, wow. It must be awesome to be starting over. You have to post pictures of the process so I can dream through you.lol. Today is the first time I have come across your blog and you have me fired up to get off my butt and do it movin. Bless you and I will be watching you succeed yet again. emoticon
    4009 days ago
  • SCARON
    Congratulations on taking control of your life! You look amazing and you are doing the right thing for you and your family. Best of luck in your new life in the lakehouse.
    4009 days ago
  • PNW_GIRL
    you have overcome so much and you're such an inspiration to me! Thanks for sharing and congrats for making it so far :)
    4009 days ago
  • KAYMOON0101
    Truly an inspiring story.. I need to slay a few of my own dragons.. and lose nearly as much as you.. Thanks for sharing and inspiring
    4009 days ago
  • CAROLYN1213
    Congratulations! You have found your inner strength and are creating balance in your life! I am so glad you found the support and motivation you needed to become the woman you are! You children and grandchildren will greatly benefit from the role model you are!
    4009 days ago
  • 205BAMOMMY
    What an amazing story and you are an amazing person. Congrats to you for all of your achievements. Truely and inspiration
    4009 days ago
  • SWAL0701
    Well, First I want to say "Great Job!" on getting fit and healthy. At first when I read your title "heartbreak" I thought... well join the party. After all, who hasn't had heartbreak?? After taking the time to read your story, I'm thinking you have certainly gotten more then your fair share of hard times. I can't begin to imagine the pain in your life and can see why you would self medicate with food/alcohol or anything else you could get your hands on. I want to wish you well on this new journey of yours. You have survived so much and deserve some happiness even if it means finding it on your own. Continue to do good things for yourself because you are worth it. What a wonderful example you are setting for your children and grandchildren. Hang in there and keep us all posted on your new beginnings.
    4009 days ago
  • 1FITFEMALE
    It's clear that you have experienced heartbreak in your life. The positive side is how you have learned to handle it and move forward! You should be extremely proud of yourself for taking the steps to become sober. Not only for yourself but your family. Also, to become healthy:) One thing that stuck out with me is your choices in men. Hopefully now that you're healthy, physically and mentally, you'll set the bar higher for the next man you chose and know that you DESERVE MORE!!! Good luck in your future!! emoticon
    4010 days ago
  • no profile photo TCURTIS4
    God bless you. I am just starting a journey. Convicted that I desperately need to lose weight. I can't say I've made very good choices so far. I can relate to you in so many ways. I too have lost all family members. No kids though. Extended fam is all in another State. Lots of friends have moved away from me too. I have success in my life in a number of ways. But, the demon is fat and I make very poor choices with food and inactivity. I need a new start for ME. Your story is inspirational. I hope to make changes to.
    4010 days ago
  • ROLLINSK06
    Gosh! I so admire you for rising above the struggles you've had and plowing through them to make a new and better life for yourself and for your girls. You are an inspiration to me as I begin my journey on Spark! Thanks for your honesty and willingness to share your story.

    From a fellow Texan. emoticon
    4010 days ago
  • ALWAYSCHANGING
    You have been through so much. And even though you had your weak moments, your strength has outshined them all. I have come across your page at various times in this journey, always it seems when I need shoring up, it seems you pop up in a blog or a comment that one of my friends have on their feeds. It's like whenever I am weak you are there to motivate even though you don't know me and I don't know you. Thanks so much for showing us what strength is, that life moves forward when we face our demons and our heartaches and that we can come out better for it on the other side.
    4010 days ago
  • RUNSGB122
    Wow! You have been through so much and are an inspiration. It sounds like you are very strong and moving in the right direction. Good luck to you in your new place!
    4010 days ago
  • WORKOUTWITHPAM
    You hang in there, Girl! After all that you've been through, I think you can accomplish ANYTHING!!!! I wish you the best in reaching ALL of your goals. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
    HUGS
    Pam
    4010 days ago
  • MOMMY2KAYLIE
    Wow, your heartbreak pains me but your strength inspires me! You look wonderful!!! You have overcome so much and have such a great attitude. I seriously cannot believe looking at your picture that you're a grandma! You're one of the prettiest grandmas I have ever seen! Keep up the good work! You're doing AWESOME!!! emoticon
    4010 days ago
  • JAZZERCISEGENIE
    wow I cannot imagine all that in one lifetimes. I guess I will tahnk my lucky starts and God. My life is not great but that is ok. My health is good money we need more. Kids drive me nuts and grandkids get way to much stuff. emoticon
    4010 days ago
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