No End in Sight

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Tuesday, February 02, 2010

“It’s a journey, not a destination.”

“I will never arrive.”

“It‘s not over until I’m dead.”

It sounds so harsh…because it has to. I cannot get soft on myself now. I have come too far. I know for me, it will never be over. I will struggle with my weight for the rest of my life. It is just as much a part of who I am as my green eyes. To deny this fact would be to deny that the sky is blue.

Before I lost the weight I always felt like the “real me”…the thin me…was just hiding inside and all I had to do was let her out. Now, I feel like the person hiding inside is the fat me, poised and waiting to come out again…who IS the “real me”? This is the question that I have yet to answer.

Even though the pain of all the shame, disappointment and self-loathing that I used to feel every day is slowly fading away, I feel like I cannot let myself forget it. Because if I do, I feel like it could all just creep back up and take me over again.

I am not the skinny girl who can eat whatever she wants. I can’t just stop working out. I WILL be what I consistently do… it is as simple as that, and I know it. If I overeat, I will gain weight. If I follow my maintenance plan I will maintain my weight…simple but scary.

I really had to go into this knowing that it wasn’t over once I reached my weight loss goal. It will never be over. I know darn well that I can gain all the weight back just as quickly as I lost it. So I will walk this long road, but I won't have to do it alone, thanks to all of you!

SparkFriends, you help me keep it real! Thank you.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Great post- thanks for keeping it real and putting this out there!

    3610 days ago
  • EBM1284
    thank you so much for this post (just came across it even though it's been several months since you wrote it). my weight has fluxuated fairly drastically over the years at times due to bad habits (when i got heavier) and at other times due to medical issues (which compensated for my bad habits by taking away my appetite). what i ended up with was not "feeling like myself" when i was thin because of what i was going through medically...but i also "wasn't me" when i'm i can really relate to the points you make here. i'm hoping to follow your example and pave my own path to find a happy medium where my inside truly matches my outside. thank you again for this!
    3630 days ago
  • SLF238
    What a fantastic post! Thank you so much for putting things into perspective, sometimes you do have to be straight up with yourself and accept its a lifelong journey. Thanks again and you look AMAZING!!!! Well done!
    3755 days ago
  • HEARTS116
    Great blog...thank you for sharing!
    3810 days ago
    thank you! what an awesome and very honest blog!
    congratulations! and keep it up!!!
    3927 days ago
    Thank you for that. I need to remember this is a lifestyle, not just a goal with an end. My journey will be a long one, but I need the reminders like your.
    3938 days ago
    It's as though *I* wrote this post! I feel the same exact way!! I've been battling my weight since I hit puberty. I don't want to battle it anymore but unfortunately, unless I want to be fat and tired the rest of my life, it's going to be a constant battle.

    I think you and your husband look fantastic! Keep up the great work!!
    4029 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/13/2010 4:53:06 PM
    I love it. Completely true.

    I would like to know what you used to lose your weight?
    4104 days ago
    I agree with you. You're doing great by the way. emoticon
    4127 days ago
    Perfectly said! Good for you to recognize this fact as your reality. Knowing it is half the battle. My routine has been lose a little and start to slack off, and whine when the weight comes back. I'm almost 40 now and I need to ensure that I get on the right path and STAY there! :)
    4129 days ago
  • LP2278
    I am using Spark People really to maintain my weight, making sure I stay physically active and eat nutritiously. I only wanted to lose 7 pounds when I started, and I've lost 4 so far. People wonder why I'm using Spark People, and it's more about accountability for me. If I know I'm going to record what I did and what I ate, I'll make sure to work out and eat healthy--at least for the most part!
    4129 days ago
  • CHRIS3215
    Well said & I TOTALLY AGREE!
    I have traveled the road too a better me too!
    emoticon on a Job well DONE!!!
    4129 days ago
  • JOY1918
    You are so right. It is a lifelong journey.
    4129 days ago
    Well said... : )
    4129 days ago
    Well said... : )
    4129 days ago
    I agree with you.
    Its almost as difficult to keep it off as it is to get it off!
    And its a LIFESTYLE change which has to be recognised.
    4129 days ago
    Thanks for sharing the bad side of maintenance. We think about the good side but we need to hear the FULL story to be prepared for the lifelong journey ahead.
    4146 days ago
    When I look back, I am certain, in the past, I re-gained weight largely because I stopped carrying out many of the essential weight loss practices and principles that I had learned while losing the weight.

    4148 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/16/2010 11:52:08 PM
    It really is scary to change your lifestyle. All those comforting old habits are so easy to fall back into, but you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and a healthy understanding of the challenges that face you. Good luck! I know you can do it!

    4157 days ago
    I think the hardest part of losing weight is keeping it. You have the right frame of mind. Keep on going!
    4157 days ago
    You are such an inspiration. Even though I have three times what you lost left to lose seeing your page and reading your blog gives me hope. I think that sometimes don't realize that losing weight is more than just going on a diet, it is changing your life completely. I know that as I go farther in my journey I am having to change my attitude about food. I used to look at it as comfort and now I am looking at it like it's my enemy. I know that eventually I will find even ground and come to love the food that is good for me. emoticon
    4157 days ago
  • NAYNAY69
    You are completely right. We all know it and knowing it we have to act on it or it will come back on us. It took ma a year last year to loose 30 pounds and when I "fell of the wagon" lol during some bad times during the holidays I gained back 25 pounds in 2 months!! 2 MONTHS!!!!! That quick after all that hard work, exercise and eating right for so long. Forever mindful we have to be. Then it is soooo hard to start all over but reading your page today has really inspired me. Maybe I can do it all over again. Thanks!

    NayNay emoticon
    4166 days ago
    SEVENKITTIE's, you are so right. You stated the harsh facts, plain and simple, but did it in a very inspirational way. Thanks for reminding me to take off my rose-colored glasses, and accept reality. We all need to accept the fact that this struggle will NOT end. But the good part is, we have lots of friends here to support us, like you!
    4169 days ago
    Yes, I can relate too.. because we've been living in these bodies for such a long time, longing to see us the way we dream...and when your dream hits you, now you feel you can "break" easy...really easy.
    A friend of mine (actually, my triathlon trainer) told me that once I reach my weight and measurement goals, switch my brain into the ATHLETE mode. Yes, stop thinking that I work out and diet and change into the "I train and eat for endurance" mode. Told me to set goals as for races and step up from a sprint, into an Olympic... or from 10k into a half marathon. And when that happens I'll embrace my new athlete me...

    And certainly, you totally look very athletic!!! emoticon
    4170 days ago
    WOW what a BLog and what success. You are right weight is a life time battle. When I reach my goal, I will never forget the larger me either. That's the only way for us to keep it off. emoticon
    4170 days ago
    Love it!
    4170 days ago
    Well said! Spark on :) I am looking forward to reading more of your site to find out your exercise program. It's just part of life :) You look fantastic. emoticon
    4170 days ago
    Well said!! I had a bad day yesterday, and the self-loathing negative tapes in my head just went ahead and started playing - it kind of shocked me as I thought I was DONE with that kind of thinking. But you're right ... maybe it's better not to forget them, so that we don't go back to our old ways. Great blog!
    4171 days ago
    Thanks for your blog!

    I understand what you are saying. Believe me! I understand.

    The identity thing is scary. It is a shock to look in the mirror to see the skinny person and wonder where that wonderful, funny fat guy went?

    The Fat Me is so much more adorable and fun to be with in my opinion.

    But the Skinny Me is fun too. He allows me the health, strength and fortitude to accomplish what needs to be done. The Fat Me just likes to sit around and could care less. The Skinny Me allows me to live, no, really LIVE! So that I can enjoy my wife, my family and all the good gifts in life that God allows.

    The Journey and battle with the weight IS life long. I am 61 now. Since the teens and each and every decade I have had a major battle to get the weight down. In the teens it was a simple cut the calories and I went from 200 to 150. In my twenties, it was water diets, fasting diets, powder diets and taking shots. In my 30's it was a gastric bypass. In my 40's it was Weigh Down. In my 50's it was SparkPeople and still is: Because SparkPeople works better than anything I've done or tried.

    What can I say? It's a weakness. It's ME. It could be much worse. But it's only weight. I can deal with that.

    Will I continue to fight the good fight? Oh yeah. Because I want to celebrate my 50th Wedding Anniversary with my wife. We just celebrated our 39th. I want to continue my career (College Teaching) until I am 80. I want to see what my children become in life and see my grandchildren graduate from college and then attend their weddings.

    The goals and what I want to do require the Skinny Me. The Fat Me will stop me way short. There is too much life left to stop now.

    Go for the Gold!

    4172 days ago
    You are absolutely right, this journey is never over.

    Great job on your weight loss!!!!
    4172 days ago
    Thats it, the truth of it all, its not about losing weight, per se, its about developing a healthy lifestyle. emoticon
    4172 days ago
  • 2BSIZE6
    This is very inspirational to me. Your starting weight is only 1 or 2 pounds under my starting weight! And I'm only 1 inch shorter than you. I may take a different road to get there. But you are proof that it's possible and I'm thrilled with your results. I just checked your sparkpage and I really want to show my husband your husband's before and after picks! You guys look totally HOT!!! Way to go, and thank you for sharing!
    4173 days ago
    It sounds like I could have written this blog... I can so relate in every single way.
    Thanks for saying it so eloquently!

    4174 days ago
    Super. Your before and after look crazy awesome, like something you would see on TV. Keep it up.
    4175 days ago
    please add as a sparks friend as I need encouragement
    4175 days ago
    So True!!!! Great Blog and congratualtions on your accomplishments. The changes you have made are your new lifestyle and not temporary. Keep making good choices and you will be the person you want to be.
    4176 days ago
    sounding like me!! .
    4176 days ago
    sounding like me!! .
    4176 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3990357
    This is me!
    4176 days ago
    So very true-- when you have lost the weight-- that is when the hard part begins!! Congratrs on your amazing accomplishment
    4176 days ago
    Congrats on all your hard work. You look great and hopefully you'll feel even better about your victory. Stay strong and it is a long road, it's life.
    emoticon emoticon
    4177 days ago
    Thanks for your entry! I have also thought about the mind games that will take place if/when I lose the weight....I liked what you had to say, Monicatj, about no longer living in fear and shame, of divorcing ourselves of the mindset of shame centered around being overweight once we have lost the weight....and I wonder if we could accept ourselves and divorce ourselves of this shame no matter what size we are. I am working on accepting myself, my body, at its biggest. It comes from the idea that in order to move on and move to the next moment of life, to live in the present, you must first accept the past and what is. This requires a LOT. I am not there yet. We are all works in progress, but it is something to work toward! Self Love and acceptance can only make the world a more beautiful and loving place.
    4177 days ago
    Great blog!
    4180 days ago
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your fears. I share them. I'm not sure who I am, and I'm so close to my goal that I'm thinking constantly about maintenance. Can I do it and how? I've regained weight SO many times. I look forward to watching how you manage on this journey too!
    4181 days ago
  • AKA639
    Great blog. I'm in a similar place.

    One thing that I keep reminding myself: "You are what you do."

    I am a healthy eating, active and strong woman. You are too. We choose what we will become with each and every action that we do. Keep up the great work. Setting new goals is exactly where I'm headed. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4182 days ago
    Great blog! Just keep setting goals - there is no finish line!!!

    Take care
    4183 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3733918
    Great blog! I think that anyone with a lifelong weight struggle can relate to your words of wisdom. emoticon
    I am just starting back on my road to healthy and know that the thin me is "the real me"....but once I reach my goals, that "bigger me" will be trying her best to burst out again.
    I guess the weight-loss battle is really more of a war...once you win one battle you have to make sure to keep your defenses up and be aware of any impending "attacks".
    4184 days ago
    very insightful blog. this is something that i'd been playing with in my mind but had not yet been able to verbalize yet. it is scary to think that you really can never relax totally into laziness again, but i am learning to appreciate my lifestyle now, so i'm not sure i'd even want to go back to how my life was before. realizing that is pretty comforting. and you're right, it is comforting knowing that we have such a great support system at our disposal.
    4186 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5423271
    Wow! You vocalized my greatest fear. I've still got about 40 lbs. to go, but I'm already struggling with what I'm going to do once I get there. I also feel like "the thin me" is just itching to come out, but my current fear is that my expectations of "the thin me" are too high. I know life isn't just going to be perfect because I hit my goal. I'm scared of falling apart once I realize that the struggle is not and looks like it will never be over.

    The thing that struck an even greater fear in me was your comment of not forgetting about the shame, disappointment and self-loathing you used to feel when you were overweight. I know what you mean, but wouldn't it be better to concentrate on how good you feel now (no shame, pride, in control, and loved) instead of wallowing in the past? It just seems like we will live in fear for the rest of our lives if we go through life worrying about getting fat again.

    I don't mean to sound preachy, because I still live in the past more often than not and that triggers my eating, so I'm trying my hardest to live in the present. I know it is easier said than done, because I've had the same thoughts. I've just never written them down, so to see them in black and white really struck me. Thank you for sharing. It really helps to know I'm not the only one and I hope it helps you too!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4189 days ago
    A very honest and frank blog. And it is true, the journey never ends...and even when it ends...its just the beginning somewhere else.

    The fact that you reached your goal is fabulous but our "health" which is entirely different from weight goes on until our physical self has been absorbed back into the universe. (wow...I'm starting to border on new age here) My point is you are right. The improvement never ends.

    Which is kinda cool actually if you think of it as an opportunity. We have our mental (cognitive and emotional) health, our spiritual health, our home health (in which I mean how toxic or "green" is your home) and the preventional measures we can take to ensure we have the best health possible in our later years. And that doesn't even include the influence we have on our family and children's health.

    Thanks! Glad someone said it.
    4189 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/3/2010 6:16:48 PM
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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