When You Are Alone!
Monday, February 08, 2010
I must warn you ahead of time, this will probably be one of my more lengthy blogs, but in my opinion it may be worth the read.
A while back, several of you had read my blog where I had not been able to feel God's presence. Well this is the journey I went on from there.
It is a very cold, very dark, and very unforgiving world out there. Things can be so hard, especially if you don't feel that you have anyone to turn to. Days don't seem very bright when you look up and wonder why You can't feel God's presence. You begin to wonder what it is you are doing wrong. What in my life needs to go before God will let me feel Him there? You read the word but never heard God's voice, you sing worship songs but for some reason you just can't get into them because of that something missing. I tell you, it has been some of the most heart broken, stressful, and lonely months of my life, as I felt like I was going through everything alone.
Now don't get me wrong. I have been a Christian long enough to know God will never leave me. But no where in the bible does it say that He will let you know He is there. The song going through the motions became such a real thing in my life, only not the way he sings of... In his song, he says he doesnt want to just go through the motions but to feel everything God has to offer, to give his all and all to the Lord. What do you do though when You give your all and all and still feel like you are just going through the motions?
It is such a heart breaker for a Christian to sit down and sing a song that once made you look to the skies and close your eyes and sing with your mind focused only on God., but not be able to feel nothing. Can't seem to focus on anything but the loneliness you feel because you dont feel God. To read your bible every night, wondering why God doesn't whisper to you. To lose the desire to pray whole heartedly because you can't face the let down so many times in one day. I hate to admit it, but these are things I felt. I felt like not only did I let God down really bad, but that He let me down too. My heart was still so in love with the Lord, and I still wanted more than anything to feel Him, but things kept getting harder and harder as time went by. I would sit around at church, unable to do much more than sing the praise songs, sometimes unable to go without crying because I wanted to be able to get into the worship and praise God as I see those around me praise Him; praise Him how he deserved to be praised. You would look around and see people with their hands raised, some even jumping up in excitement about God's love and just complete and total worship and think how much you miss being able to feel like that.
Of course during times like this, satan has a field day. The thoughts come pouring in about how I wasn't special enough to hear God talk to me, I mean who am I? I am no one. Those thoughts that normally would consume and finally break just about anyone in my situation, but thankfully I knew better. I knew that there just had to be some reason I was going through this, and with faith and trust and well, going through the motions as best I can, I just knew that the Lord would tell me when the time was right. The first couple of months were really tough, but they don't even begin to compare to the the months to follow. Feeling God's presence consumed my every thought and desire. So, I was let down even more each time I came expecting and felt I was the only one not included in feeling his presence in the church. I mean I could look around and I KNEW HE was there. I still read my bible nightly, I didnt pray as much because my prayers mostly became crying fests as I begged God to reveal Himself and His plan to me. Life really began to feel like it wasnt worth living (dont get me wrong I wasnt thinking suicide just thats the best way I could describe the feeling).
I got to thinking about my relationship with my mother. All my life I have always tried to make my mother proud. She abandoned me when I was younger and I always felt like it was because I wasnt worth keeping, that I just wasnt good enough for her. Even now, over 20 years later, I still feel like the fifth wheel in the family even though I do anything I can for my mother. I feel like the last on her list. I have two older brothers and an older sister, I know they all come first and I have in most ways accepted that. I have always just wanted to make her proud and to actually hear her tell me shes proud. Not just proud but proud with no buts... or I should have done this or that or the other. Every time I did anything in my life I could not wait to tell my mom, mostly because I wanted to hear those words so bad. I am 32 years old, and she has never said them. I still try, even though Im pretty sure its all in vain, but I dont try as often, you can only be let down so many times.
Well this is how I have been feeling with trying to feel God. This is why praying just seems to get harder and harder. Its not that I love God any less or think he loves me any less, it just gets too hard. Ever hear the saying, I want to learn patience and I want to learn it now? Well, patience has never been my strong suit and sometimes waiting on God seems like forever. Even tonight as I write this, not much has changed. I still feel so far away from God. I have tried so many things, but I will NEVER give up.
Though I haven't felt God in my life, I have learned so much as I go through this... Some would say that its God telling me this stuff, so I think, maybe my whole idea of hearing God is not like what it truly is. I mean to hear others talk about hearing God, its as if He was sitting right beside them. So many are so sure that it is what God had planned or told them to do. I have never felt that. I have never felt, without a shadow of a doubt, that God led me anywhere. I picture God talking to me as almost like my conscious but with a distinction that is unmistakably different. I wait for whispers I wait for feelings. I wait for some sign, some over whelming sign that it is in fact God and no one else. Not my desires, not my hopes, not what I would do if I were in charge, no I want to know it is GOD ALONE.
So, to move on. This is where I have been for about almost 6 months now. Struggling to find out, why I am alone. Its interesting that when you are going through something, you dont always know right away that you learned something new. One day you just look back and say WOAH I learned all that from this situation? It usually doesnt come in the middle of the crisis either, usually it comes as the storm calms. Mine, came when I needed it most, but still being in the same situation I am surprised I could see it already. And again, I would like to believe with all my heart it came from God, I know He had His hand in it, but not in a way I would expect to hear God talk to me.
So what have I learned? This morning at church, I could only partly focus on what was being preached. I couldnt tell you what verses were used, I couldnt tell you all of who was mentioned, but I can tell you what it taught me about my situation. The sermon today was on alone time. The main point was that sometimes God has to get us alone in order to deal with us. I mean think about it because it really does make sense.
When we pray and read the word, we should find a quiet place alone. Sometimes when we pray, fast, or worship, we should do so alone in our closet, for the person who does so openly on the street, that will be his reward, but if we do it alone, God will bless us. Through out the bible there are so many people who not only just felt alone, but spent so much time alone. They went through trials where everyone turned their back on them, they got thrown in jail and other drastic measures to "break them" as I like to call it. If I am arrogant I am not much use to God in that state, but if God humbles me He can use me. Think about Jesus' life. He spent COUNTLESS hours, days, months alone. All He ever did was good, and He was probably alone more than any of us have ever had to be. Praying on the mountain, in the garden, and Jesus has even felt how I feel right now. When He was carrying that sin and God had to look away until the job was finished. Only He didn't just feel alone as we do at times, no He WAS alone. At least with me I know Im not really alone, not ever.
Something else happened today too. For the first time in a LONG time, I completely submerged myself into a worship song. I cant say that I felt God there either, but I know that I was able to sing it to Him with all my heart, my soul, and my spirit. That alone is a step in the right direction and opens the door to so much more hope.
Some of you may be wondering why I am pouring my heart out to you today. Its simple, its because I love you and if I can open my heart to what I am going through and it help even one person not feel alone, than its worth the time, the tears, the pain, and the look into my heart.
If you feel alone in any way, please know you are not and never will be. God made us all for two reasons, one because He wants us for Him to love us, and two, to love Him back. It doesnt matter what we look like, how many mistakes we have made, the person we think we are or the person we fail to be. He loves us for the person we are, inside, deep within that even we dont know ourselves as much as He knows us. The Lord had a bunch of clay and instead of making us into a waste basket, or a tree, or a dog, or a sparrow, He made us into who we are and He did it so He could love us.
When I first started this letter I really thought it would take an entirely different route. Apparently, I was mistaken. In some ways I feel like I didnt even scratch the surface to what I really wanted to say tonight, but I am crossing my fingers, and having faith, that this is exactly what some one needed to read. I may not hear God's voice like I picture others hearing it, I may have no idea where He wants me to be in life. I may not know what it is like to be completely filled with the holy spirit, and I may not know what it feels like to sing a song and have the look of seeing the face of God before me. But I do know that, just because I can not feel Him, doesnt mean He isnt right there. Just because I dont know which direction Hes pointing me in, doesnt mean He doesnt have a plan for my life.
Oh and another major thing I found out. If you ever ask God, Lord please teach me patience, be ready to wait a really long time!!!
Lord, I pray that this blog may comfort the heart of someone out there. I pray that if anyone is feeling alone, that You reveal Yourself to them. Wrap them in Your loving arms and bless them. Use me, use this message in any way You see fit. I am Your humble servant, where You go I will follow. Thank You Lord, for the things You are teaching me and for the knowledge that no matter how alone I may feel, You will never leave my side.
I love and praise You, In Jesus name,
God Bless everyone