The Big D....

Sunday, March 07, 2010

I thought I better write something because it isn't like me to not blog on here. I am really having to force myself to do anything right now because I need to confess something I have been battling with all winter! The big D.....DEPRESSION!
Man this winter has just absolutely done a number on me! I have been fighting this feeling ever since the first of 2010 but things just have been going south for me for some odd reason. Then we had the worst winter practically in the history of Iowa or at least since I can remember and I found myself slipping down that dark deep path of depression. I fight it hard but I have a problem with it because of my Asthma condition anyway. Plus I have SAD which plays hell on me during the winter months of low sunlight. I try to be a very positive person and I love bringing joy to all that know me so I really hate it when I feel this way. I don't like blogging when I don't feel up and positive. I love encouraging people and I am all about being a source of support to my friends that are in need. I hate feeling victimized by depression. I know when the weather gets better I will be able to bring myself above this much faster. Right now all I want to do is sleep and be with my animals. But SparkPeople keeps beckoning to me and makes me feel a need to keep in touch and keep plugging away at it. Although my weight has done nothing over the past weeks except fluctuate a pound or two up then down I still have been keeping true to my nutrtition tracker. Fitness has been sporadic which is a bummer too. If it wasn't one damn thing getting in the way of it it was another....some of it I just didn't have any control over either! I really dislike writing this blog because it is such a bummer to me and anyone reading this but I didn't think it was fair to my friends to not let you know what has been my problem over the past few weeks. It would make me feel even worse if any of you thought for one minute I was ignoring you because you all mean so much to me but between my work schedule, my health, losing a loved one and battling the road conditions as well as the crappy weather all winter it has finally pushed me to surrender to a very depressed state of mind.
I will keep forging ahead and try to bring myself up and out of this slump I am in. Just know that I love you all very much and I will keep fighting to get the old me back ASAP!!

“A lot of people don't realize that depression is an illness. I don't wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it.”

~Jonathan Davis~

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Ruth, Ruth, Ruth! PLEASE don't ever hesitate to ask your Spark friends for support!! There is absolutely no reason why we cannot return the favor that you give to us!! I have been down that same road on numerous occasions so I do know what you are feeling! All of us love you and are here for you any time you need us!! Talking to my Spark friends when I'm in the dumps definitely helps me! I haven't lost a pound this winter and have found it hard to be consistent with exercising as well. I KNOW it's hard but try to look at the positives in your life. You had the pleasure of knowing your SIL for years and she obviously changed/impacted you in some way. You haven't gained any of your weight back. You have a husband that loves you and you have lots of fur babies that love you as well. You have lots of Spark friends that love you and will be here whenever you need us. I could go on but you get the point. I really do understand that is hard to look at the good things in your life but try to take a moment and think about it.

    LOVE YOU RUTH! You are an awesome Spark friend!!!
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    4152 days ago
    Ruth, my lady, it is a proven fact that grey skies and dreary days cause a certain type of depression. With my aging brain cells I can't think of the name right now. I always got it in Germany, and that is why I hate snow, because I associate it with being depressed. I love El Paso, because that was the first place in my life where I was continuously happy, because the sun was shining almost 365 days a year.

    You are not alone. We have had a dreary winter so far - very wet and often grey and I feel it, I have to pull myself up and make myself do things.

    I wish you plenty of sun and budding blossoms and butterflies and chirping birds.


    4156 days ago
    Dear Ruth,
    Please know you are not alone in suffering depression. Also, having grown up in Michigan, when the long winter would sit in, I knew where my emotional stability was going...down the tubes. Please allow the rest of us support and sustain YOU through this time. It is your turn to get help. There will be a time when spring and summer returns that you will be able to reach out and help others. Its all about taking turns in my book. Bless you and may peace enter your heart. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4157 days ago
    Ruthie Ruth, DO NOT apologize. Stop worrying about us, we are fine and you don't have to be Sister Save-a-Spark 24/7. Much as we love you and your fierce support and strength, you deserve to have quiet time for yourself and you're allowed to cry if you hurt and scream if you're pissed off and smile when the sunshine returns to your soul!

    Most of us have been down that dark road and will face it again and again in varying shades of gray...it's called life. The combination of the severe winter and your loss of loved ones has just come crashing in on you. Completely understandable. I get the same way about feeling like I'm whining if I'm not feeling up to a perky blog and we have to shake that, it's part of the people pleaser syndrome, remember? The thing that led to so many of our bad eating choices and self-destructive thinking? You know how I go in peaks and valleys of school anxiety, fury, and depression. But I took a deep breath, let it all out and leaned all over you and other SparkFriends as I wallow through the muck that is my career. It's what has kept me on track and kept me from the really depressed days and behavior that were becoming so routine for me.

    I'm coming to see you in August, come hell or high water (please don't tell me you get lots of flooding there...that darn snow better be done melting by then!) You've got a new grandbaby to look forward to, those nasty cigars and catfish (there's something just not right about a fish named for a cat!) and your flowers and the promise of spring. The thaw is a comin', without a doubt. Get your jigsaw out and create something. Crank up some tunes and dance your pants off. Take your hubby out and make him learn some cowboy line dancing. (Just don't expect me to listen to country music when I come see you...I have to draw the line somewhere!!!) Rent some funny movies and have a snort of something strong! Hang in there darlin', better days ahead!
    x0x0x0x Kim emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4158 days ago
    Oh sweetie, I am sending big hugs and lots of sunshine your way in hope that it will help cheer you. We want you as you are, for better or worst, happy or sad. You do not need to be up for us all the time doll. Let us help to cheer you up on those bad days. We are all here for you.
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    4159 days ago
    I find it interesting that whether regarding weight loss or life in general whenever someone is struggling, and needing the support and comfort of others the most, is when they choose to step back. I've noticed this in my over 12 years on weight loss boards. Well I'm here to tell you to knock that crap off girl! I don't expect you to be riding on a white unicorn all day spreading happiness and support to others while letting yourself suffer inside. That's pointless, you dig? Yes, we appreciate the support but don't deprive the rest of us from returning the favor just because you don't like to be a downer.
    4159 days ago
  • MTNHIKER1971
    I'm sorry to learn that your days are gray, and that smile of yours has temporarily disappeared... be rest assured though, that you're not alone, and we all go through some form of depression as life is tough as nails sometimes and you have to be tougher... when your energy is zapped and your strength is waivered... that's what we're for... to give you that extra push and love to let you know you're loved and this too shall pass.

    Shake it off Ruth, focus on things that make you happy and put problems on the back burner until you're stronger.

    4159 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4997715
    As someone who suffers from clinical depression, I can relate. I am currently in remission but I know it can come back at anytime. I never say that I am cured of it because I don't think you ever are, it just goes away for a while.

    On the bright side, spring is coming and the sun will be shining before you know it! In the mean time, here is a bit of sun for you... emoticon emoticon
    4159 days ago

    Hey Ruth!!

    I'd try the "sun lamp" that Anita suggested at least for the SAD, if it does ok by the dope it might just give you a lift.

    I can't imagine what it's like to suffer from depression, suffice to say that all your Spark friends are always here to chat to and to lend and ear for you to vent.

    Keep on going
    4159 days ago
    Ruth, I am with you regarding the big D and this Iowa weather. They just do not mix. Take heart in that the signs of spring are showing. The local coop is talking about chick days. Have been hearing of flowers showing where the snow has melted and robins being sighted, I have been watching a squirrel out my window build a nest and my personal favorite - interaction between the male and female cats. With your animals can not help but think you are like me - seeing a baby puts a smile on your face and helps release the big D.

    Take care and enjoy a no new snow week! Karen emoticon
    4159 days ago
    You have had more than your share of winter this year. I think you got the Wisconsin portion too! Look forward to that first really nice day when you can confidently say, "I AM VICTORIOUS; I SURVIVED THE WINTER!!!"

    The day is coming soon!

    I know what you mean about not blogging when you're not feeling positive. I do the same thing. I hope it helps to know how many people care about you; that's been helpful for me.

    4159 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4363972
    As you can see, you are in good company, Ruth. I don't know if I am just more aware, or if it's because I am not self-medicating with chocolate, but I am definitely feeling it this winter too. I keep bouncing between depression and anxiety. I am hoping for a change, but so far all the changes that have occurred have just increased my anxiety!

    I am glad you let us know you were still around.
    4160 days ago
    Oh, Ruth, never worry that we are feeling ignored. We know that you have been going through some very heavy things the past few months and we understand. I am just sorry that you have had so much to deal with lately. Like some of the others who have responded I have an up close and personal relationship with depression and SAD. It is a battle and can be very draining. Keep fighting, Ruth, and you will come out the other side of this dark time. Your friends are here for you.

    4160 days ago
    I can relate, dear friend. Been there and I know what a dark, nasty place it can be. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I fell into a slump last Spring and though I'm felling much better in my head, I'm still fighting with myself to get back into the exercise swing of things. If you need to vent or need a shoulder to cry on, I'm here for you. You are a wonderful person and I know you'll pull out of this.
    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and if I can, I'll sent you some sunshine to help lighten your mood. emoticon
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    4160 days ago
    I haven't known you very long but feel like we've been friends awhile.
    I just want to encourage you and say I l can totally relate and Love you
    4160 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2704651
    As a fellow midwesterner I can truly relate, this has been the worst Nebraska winter in memory, and that is saying a lot! I have been feeling that too and I am hoping with the temperature going over freezing we will start feeling better, so hang in there, it has to be over soon!
    4160 days ago
    I'm sorry that you've been feeling depressed, but glad that you felt like you could share your feelings with all of us. You've been through a lot recently with the death in your family, and your weather certainly hasn't helped. Not to mention how many times over the last few months you were fighting a cold. Kim's right about the vitamin D3, it can help. Have you talked to your doc about it? I hope that as spring approaches, you feel the sunshine on your face, you also feel the sadness slipping away. As always, you're in my thoughts.
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    4160 days ago
    Dearest Ruth! Please do not feel badly about a blog that is not cheerful and upbeat--I checked the "blog by-laws" and there is nothing in there that says all blogs must be sunshiny and rosy. In fact, I see that your blog, even if it is not the height of cheerfulness, has indeed encouraged others in knowing that they are not the only ones out there who suffer from the big D! I am one of those as well, which I think you know. This last time when I felt myself sliding down that slippery slope, a friend suggested 1,000 mg vitamin D, a B complex and fish oil. I started taking those daily and that has helped immensely. I know you have dealt with this before so you have probably tried that but just thought I'd add my 2 cents... Know that you are loved whether you're blowing sunshine or snow up our behinds and we're here for you!!
    4160 days ago
    If you are battling SAD - have you ever thought of one of those - "sunlight lamps" Sorry I can't think what the real name is - but I know a few people here in Winnipeg that suffer from SAD - our winters are so long, dark, cold (whimper) - so they have the lamps, and for them it has made a HUGE difference.
    4160 days ago
  • no profile photo SPARKHIGH
    The big D oh yes know it well the physical aliments. And sometimes I to would rather not talk to anyone. Just hold up in the house with my 4 legged kids. This condition affects more people than we know, and for the ones that don't seek medical help I feel sorry for them. To you my friend we are much better for it. There is that light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it seems it's a long way just to get there. This winter sure has been a test of time. We all await the newness of Spring and rebirth. We all look forward to good days coming. So you take care and all will be good with the Ruth.
    4160 days ago
    I feel ignored emoticon emoticon emoticon Honey I feel we are in the same boat this year has sucked so far and last year almost the whole year with DH laid off I thought this new career would be a turn around..it's been nothing but hell..now a leave of absence dealing with sickness...and the SADD suffered badly with it up north from nov-march..I was ok in florida till this last winter..and freezing my @ss off in the 30's cold and wet...come home today and wished their was an island between work and home cause I don't want to be at either...I'm doing the same thing hanging with my baby..I was even thinking of adopting a rescue before he got sick and snuck him home while he was on the road...the unconditional love of an animal is a blessing from heaven..Hang in there us old broads are tough...the tides will turn and the flowers will bloom...yada,yada,yada Hugs
    4160 days ago
    I completey understand. I have been hit by the big D a bit this season too. Mine tends to be more on the anxiety side of it but I can certainly relate. Just getting out and getting some sun finally this weekend has been extremely helpful so hopefully we can all get out of the doldrums and look forward to sunnier days and feelings. Take care!
    4160 days ago
    Ruth my sweet friend we are truly sisters.. i too suffer from sad.. and the "d" word is bad.. i wish that i was there for you.. i do not even want to leave the house some days..
    i am having spring weather now a feel so much better..
    i need it.. we got all are baby's groomed and they look so nice now..
    have a great day my sister my friend
    Amy emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4160 days ago
    I to battle with depression
    4160 days ago
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