Feeling pretty fat these days, and not liking it!

Monday, April 05, 2010

Be prepared this is a woe is me blog!

My family and I have been on quite the rollercoaster ride for the past 3yrs with job losses after job losses. We were preparing to sell our home this month and low and behold my husband gets a job. He's had a job for the last 1.5yrs but it hasn't been enough. We have gone through all of our savings, CD's, Life Insurance, 401k's, Roth's, and our kids savings-thank you God for having those things...otherwise we'd be on the streets. So needless to say while feeling like our life is slipping away my weight loss has also slipped away.

When I first started on my journey this whole job loss thing was new and I was POSITIVE we had enough to be ok, for a bit...not 3yrs of this! So I was able to focus hard on losing...and I was focused! Lost 40 lbs in 5months. Then I was so thrilled and proud of myself I began living and not focusing on it as much. Then our money started to run out and we began selling our furniture and anything else we could do. I started cleaning houses and business's more and watching children during the day and making cake's at night. That is when stress got to me. I have completely fallen back into VERY BAD habits. I feel like such a fraud! So many people were looking up to me and the success I had and now I have added 20 pounds back on and I feel like I am completely spinning out of control. I am ashamed! I don't want to see family or friends b/c I am so afraid to be called a hypocrite. For almost a year I was conscious of every bite I put in my mouth and tried burning as much as possible. My life revolved around diet and exercise. Now, I have no time to work out no money to buy good healthy food and no energy / will power left. You would think after my hubby getting a better job last week that my momentum would totally turn around, but it is completely the opposite...I feel defeated!

I remember how awesome I felt, oh how I want that back. Is it dumb to say, I don't know how to start up again? Cause, I feel that way. I know these are all excuses, b/c I could totally find the time like wake up at 5-6am and exercise...a lot of people do this. Eat less! I used to do that! I am feeling really bummed about letting myself go. I will be seeing my sister who began her weight loss journey the same time I did, but she did it doing WW and ABSOLUTELY no exercise. While I THOUGHT I was doing it the right way, eating right and exercising...but who lost 55lbs and have kept it off(she did) while I am gaining my 40 pounds back...ok fine only 20 but feels like 40!!! I need a good swift kick in the arse!

So that is where I am right now. My schedule is never the same weekly b/c of watching other kids and cleaning 4 different family's homes and business's, and making a cake about every other week. I am very blessed to have all those money making opportunities, and I thank God everyday...but I want to take care of myself better-so badly! I know you all are probably screaming at me and saying "THEN JUST DO IT!" Gulp!!!

Sorry for the sap session, I guess I needed to voice it. Ok so there it is, time to make some changes. I am conscious of everything I eat starting tomorrow morning! I will focus on being btwn 1200-1550. No more cheat days, b/c it has turned into a cheat year...and that is not cool! It is destroying me. When I can exercise I will...I love it and I want it. Consistency is key no matter how long it takes! Go me! You've had it in you once you can do it again-even better!

Thanks for listening!

Let me end in a better note, here are some fun family Easter photos! Enjoy!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Yes You deifintely are NOT alone! Many of us have probably gotten stressed and let 10, 20, 30 pounds creep back into our lives - I for one, am feelin you! Alas! you are the girl who not long ago said that we should lose theses pounds once and for all ! And we will!
    Financial stress is the worst! Feel the shame sure but then let it go :) by letting the past lay in the past and looking at the bright moment of opportunity and change in front ofyou you will find the strenght and courage to do this! You will lose that 20 pounds and then some! you can do this! One small change at a time. That 20 pounds doesn't define you! You can do this! one good eating day and one exercise session at a time! You go girl!
    4089 days ago
  • TBABY912
    in no way are you a fraud. you're an awesome Sparker... going through real life issues. i totally understand not having enough money to buy all the healthy things that i want. of course there is always "a way." but my way and your way are different and you have to do what is best for you and your family.

    from the first time i saw your cakes... and all your cake photos. i admired you for being able to actually make something... be creative... and have people appreciate it and even buy it! as an artist... i can give away lots of things i made... but i want to be in demand. god has blessed you with an incredible talent. and i will also join you in thanking him for allowing you get by with a little of this... and a little of that (cakes, cleaning, kids, etc.).

    okay back the weight... you did it the right way and you can do it again. sometimes life is not so kind to us. don't beat yourself up about it. one day at a time... go back to the little things that made you successful. your beauty is inside.. and 20 or 200 more pounds will never change that.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4122 days ago
    Brenda...you are not alone. We all have our ups and downs and you are going to brush yourself off and get back on this horse, I KNOW IT!

    When we have just time for ourselves, this lifestyle change is a piece of cake...but when LIFE kicks in, and we are no longer first on our lists(husbands, kids, jobs, home, $$ etc) that is when it gets tough and I don't know of many women who have 4 hours a day of "their" time.

    Just know that you are in a great place here with tons of support.

    You have supported me these past few months and I hope that I can help you in return!
    4124 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2644837
    Brenda you have such a BEAUTIFUL family!

    You are not a fraud! You are human and you have been dealing with A LOT!!! WOW! You have 3 jobs going. You are SUPERWOMAN!!!

    You probably needed that time to not be so strict on yourself. That's okay.
    This is a good time to get back on track. You can do it and you deserve it!
    But, take it easy...you don't have to do it all perfect. Just take those little steps.
    Like you said start tracking your food and exercise when you can. You'll start to feel better and then you can slowly add more to your plate when you are ready.

    I'm proud of you for all you are doing!!!
    And I'm thankful that God continues to provide for you and your family!
    And, thankful that your hubby finally got a better job! WOOHOO!!!!

    Times have been so tough on us too, so I understand! *BIG HUGS*
    4130 days ago
  • CARSON09
    You have a gorgeous family!! I don't really feel like I'm the best person to give advice right now. Motivation comes and goes for me on a weekly bases. Try and stay positive!!
    4130 days ago
    Oh my goodness....what an absolutely beautiful family - you must be so proud!

    You know...that's what I love most about this site - the ability to share our successes and our struggles - diet related or not. And we feel this sense of community, support, and encouragement.

    I hit goal in 2007 and STILL struggle w/ food issues. And I spent the past year 15 pounds over goal - and I didn't give up, but for me it was much more difficult to stay strong and resist the urge to overeat when the scale was continually moving upward anyway.

    You can do it - you can get back on track and continue to move toward that goal. Forget the fact that you've been off track - you've made yourself be accountable here and we're cheering you on. Stay consistent - you'll get there!!
    4130 days ago
    You are not alone in how your feeling. I have wondered the very same things about myself. I lost 50 and gained back 25 now. I worked my butt off to lose 50 lbs in 7 months. I felt powerful and on top of the world. I looked back at my notes today from Aug of 08 when I was the weight I am now. I was so proud of myself back then. Feeling great, knowing how far I had come and excited to keep moving forward. I'm starting with a fresh slate and new attitude right now. Accept who you are today and move forward. You know what you need to do and you can do it again:)
    4130 days ago
    Wow, you sound like a pretty amazing person! Don't beat yourself up, you are a hero for taking care of your family like that! I am really impressed- we need more of your kind of person in this world!

    Just move forward from here! The past is the past and you can't change what happened. You are such a strong person- I know you will succeed!

    You have my support if you ever need it!!
    4131 days ago
    Just start with those little steps chica, you can do it!
    Your family is so beautiful! You should be so proud of how GREAT you guys made it through all those stressful times. Now it is time to spend some minutes every day on YOU!!!

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    4131 days ago
    Very cute photos.
    I know you will be able to make those changes you need. :)
    4131 days ago
  • 13-1GIRL
    Beautiful family!! emoticon Let's kick it into high gear for 2010, I need my arse kicked too!!
    4131 days ago
    I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. I can definitely commiserate with the feelings of frustration with weight loss. You should be so proud of yourself for losing the 40 lbs, and for keeping off 20 with all the stress you have been under!! I'm trying to make changes I can live with - baby steps. I can't find an hour to excercise, so I'm fitting it in when I can - 15 mins here, 15 mins there. It's more than nothing. TO me, being sick of being fat is my biggest motivator! So, good luck to you and try to keep a positive mindset. Try to pick up your good habits, one at a time, and don't beat yourself up too much over mis-steps along the way. emoticon
    4131 days ago
    You summed it up very well. You know what to do cause you have already done it before. Forget what others might think of you for now. I think they will realize that you are human and your family is going through a very rough time right now. If they have something negative to say then they should help you out.

    You are beautiful and your family is too. So all you need to focus on is eating better, getting in some exercise when you can and taking care of your family. I'm new to SP about 2 months in, and right now my stress levels are pretty low (not that I don't have any problems...trust me I do, I have just stopped worrying about everything to the point of not being happy. I've read many stories like yours and I always ask what would I do if I stopped Sparking? If I lost interest in it? Right now I can't imagine not being here but who knows. If I ever get to that point I hope you will reach out and pull me back.

    emoticon Please, don't give up on yourself, I know I won't and I know your family loves you unconditionally. emoticon
    4131 days ago

    Hey bella! You sound like me - we should get off each other's wavelength, eh? You need to do some reading on stress, cortisol and weight loss - it isn't your fault! You just need to work around these things! (and me too)

    Congrats to your husband for finding a job! =)
    4131 days ago
    I'm sorry for your struggles! I do know how it feels to let yourself go and to have those bad feelings about yourself. I too am struggling to keep weight off after losing 20 pounds and I don't have all your other stresses.
    Good luck with everything!
    4131 days ago
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