Struggling to find the right word
Sunday, May 02, 2010
A few weeks ago, I blogged that my focus was gone. I tied the loss of focus in large part to the fact that I'd moved out of my house for 7 weeks for a family whose 10-year son was getting radiation therapy at Mass General Hospital. It was harder than I expected. I looked forward to the day I'd be back in my house, back in control over this part of my life. I felt a little better after I blogged. That's what I hope I'll get with this blog too.
Because when I arrived back in my house, they'd made almost no effort to clean it. It appeared the vacuum hadn't been run. Clean laundry was wadded up at the foot of the bed. It was clear the bathrooms hadn't been cleaned (sorry for the graphic nature of this--I had to deal with wiping up their dripped urine from under the toilet seat). The fridge has sticky messes on the shelves.
For some event, this lack of regard for me has rocked me to the core. There's the basic fact that I gave up my house. I asked nothing in return. I looked the other way when I saw them leaving lights on and damaging my house. But what really gets me is that I killed myself to give them a clean house. I am an atrocious housekeeper. My house is always messy and dirty. To get it ready for them, I gave up many additional hours of my life to declutter, clean and organize.
So was there even a note? "Margie, we ran out of time. SO SORRY we didn't finish cleaning your house." Or a phone call saying the same? NO! Over the course of their stay I got a few slices of pizza, a bunch of flowers for my birthday, a couple of statements of thanks and an offer to pay my utility bill for an added cost resulting from their stay.
So these are a few of the words that are running through my head:
Fat--I'm having trouble not blaming them in part for the 10 lbs I've put on in the past 7 weeks (though of course it's only my own fault)
And yes, Selfish. I know I've been wronged by any measure, but at the same time I'm feeling bad that I'm so hung up on this little thing when they're struggling to support their family of 6 and a son with lifelong health problems.
I'm giving myself until Monday to get over this. Hopefully writing it down will be a big step forward! And by Monday, I hope a sense of control will be making a good return.