ogres have layers
Thursday, May 27, 2010
I would post a Shrek picture here, but I'm not that savvy and frankly, I'm having time management issues anyway ---- which leads to one of the layers:
I have waisted time lately which has uncovered a layer. Yesterday I briefly saw a guy who owes me an apology which no one thinks he will deliver. He bullied me, so I exposed his bully behavior. He's not about to stop bullying. I didn't get to sleep last night imagining the next bully encounter ---- and that pattern comes from childhood. The pattern of getting stuck in a thought pattern and losing time -- whether it seems to be a pleasant or unpleasant imagined interaction comes from the dysfunction, intimidations and abuses experienced in childhood. I have successfully shelved this history, but here's one of the layers. After the last upset with a funeral, this thinking style has re-emerged. I have a few tricks in my bag for retraining my brain. I've already used a couple of theme this morning. There is no reason to give my power over to someone else. There is no reason to sacrifice my goals for another person's personality quirks. (psst, I'm not really afraid of his bullying, but it has made certain aspects of my life more uncomfortable. This is due to the nature of where our life paths' cross)
So, I see now that my program needs to have another aspect of strength training is for my brain. I need to love my ogre through this fixated pattern and back into real life effort and see it through to the results.
I recognized the need to express this on SP as a way to interrupt the pattern. I have put off activities whether exercise or home care or music or whatever the goal is, to stay in a thought space, suspended by that old pattern. So this is my kicking my head right out of that space. I am owning that reaction so that I clear the space to train myself out of it (again). Each time I do this, it gets easier to recognize it and redirect.
I know I haven't worked hard enough on changing my weight, size, and fitness. I am not using my upsets as a reason for delay on that progress. I'm gonna go for crawling towards being true to my goals, if that's what it takes to be consistent.
Thanks for hearing me rant on myself.