A friend took advantage . . . what would you have done?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

This past Sunday my youngest son played with his Tango group for the first time in the Chicago area. This was the first time I got to hear the group live and was happy to share the experience with my friends. Three of my girlfriends went with me - they didn't know each other - just me. It was held at a greek restaurant on the north side of the city. There was a cover charge of $15 and since it was at a restaurant I told my friends that I was planning to have dinner there before the music started. So we made plans to get to the restaurant well before for dinner - the plus side of this was to get a really nice table to sit at to enjoy the music and watch the dancers. We had a nice dinner and enjoyed the music. Plus there were lots of tango dancers that were just incredible! When the band played their last song, we got our tab for the evening and everyone pulled out their wallets - except for one gal. She said to me "I didn't bring enough money, pay for me and I'll pay you back tomorrow." I said I didn't know if I brought enough to cover not only my part of the bill as well as her part. She said I could borrow the money from another of my friends and when she paid me back - then I could pay my friend back! I immediately said absolutely not! I'd planned ahead for myself and was not going to do that! I did have enough (barely) to cover not only my portion, but also her part. But . . .

I was dumbfounded! I didn't want to embarrass her, but I also didn't want to shell out for her part of the tab. The four of us drove together and I would have been happy to stop at a bank or store for her to get the money, but she never said a word until the bill arrived. What would you have said to her when she asked for the money?

Plus she said that she'd pay me back the next day & didn't. So this morning I called her and asked when she intended to pay me back. She said she would, but didn't volunteer to bring it over. So I flat out told her I do not do well with lending money - and that I wanted to be paid back this morning. She was upset, but did drop it off. Now she's acting offended and that ticks me off!

I simply could not believe she did this and wondered what others would do in my place.
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    Friends can be difficult sometimes and also a joy. I have had friends borrow money even to get a divorce. Silly me! Thousands of dollars for different reasons. I have three kids now and strapped for money and have had no offers from friends for help. When you lend money, you have to kiss it goodbye. When my oldest daughter was 10, she went to a rec center dance and some friends in our neighborhood went with her. My daughter has always been mature for her age. I bought all the kids dinner before they went which really put a strain on me more. However, I didn't want the other kids begging for money. I gave her $5, literally kissed it goodbye ( I kissed it goodbye and said out loud, "I kiss you goodbye". My daughter usually brings back change. All the kids saw me. When my daughter came home, I asked her about it. Sure enough the other children kept bugging her about it until she gave and gave it to them. I had already kissed it goodbye so it didn't bother me as much. When you lend money, that's what you have to do because the lender seems to lose. You either lose a friend, the money, or both. None of the people that I lent money to are friends now. If you have to lend the money, have her pay what she has and then set up when she can pay you back; which you did. I know she didn't misunderstand. I would definitely talk to her about it if you want to continue to have a relationship with her. Tell her what bothered you. For example, You're strained for money, it put a strain on your friendship, etc. Ask her if she needed more time and why she didn't call and talk with you. Also, let her explain her feelings and how it made her feel. You get the idea. My daughter did fine by the way the night of the dance. Good Luck!
    3980 days ago
    That's a tough call to make.

    If you are asking for my opinion, here goes.

    Maybe she got the impression that I was treating her to a free meal and there was some miscommunication on one of someone's part that each person would be responsible for their own share of the bill.

    After being asked by her, for me to help cover the bill for her, I would have said that I could lend her the money temporarily and then asked her when she thought she would be able to pay me back.

    That would have at least have helped both of us save face so to speak and defuse a bad situation at least for the moment. (Sort of like when a child misbehaves in public, you wait until you can get away privately to speak and find out what is transpiring rather making it awkward for everyone.)

    I always like to give others the benefit of a doubt and look for the best in them. So surely there must have been a reason for her behavior and request but just don't know what it is at the moment and trust that it will come forward eventually.

    My gut feeling is that my friend is having some serious financial difficulties at the moment and doesn't want me to know for one of two reasons: pride, or the fact that I might put her down for it because maybe she already knows that she is in "deep do-do and needs help" but doesn't want anyone to know about it.

    If I didn't have the cash on me to cover both of our bills, I could always put it on my charge knowing that I could pay the bill at the end of the month, and in which case, it would have given her enough time to pay me back before the bill came due. )

    Then I would make a mental note of the amount of money she owed me and hope for the best that she would be true to her word in paying me back.

    And when the bill came in, I would give her a call lettng her know that the bill came in and that I would like to be reimbursed for the her portion of it.

    Then if she still says to me that she doesn't have it, and has a very good explanation for why, then I would consider it a "write off" so to speak, and maybe the relationship as well if the excuse is a lame one at that simply because "friends" don't treat one another that way.

    So.... the question now will be, do I or do I not want to continue this particular relationship?

    But only you can make a call like this.

    I hope it helps you.

    3990 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/20/2010 5:45:12 PM
  • no profile photo ZOOLOVER
    You did the right thing. You did not invite them to dinner and show at your expense. She tried to take advantage of you. I glad you stuck to your guns and insisted that she pay you back the money. It was very rude on her part to expect you to cover her and then not pay you back when she said she would. You might lose her as a friend, but I don't think she was much of a friend to begin with. Let her grumble all she want, you ere tight and she was wrong. emoticon
    3991 days ago
    honey be careful their our people out there who would ask to borrow your teeth if they thought that they would get away with it . I am sorry i do not lend money either and it makes me uneasy to have someone ask for money . NOw I'm NOT TALKING ABOUT MY CHILDREN WHO ASK FOR MONEY A LOT . THEY GET WHAT THEY ASK FOR MOST OF THE TIME . not all the time either .
    3991 days ago

    3991 days ago
    Friends help each other out when they can. It was nice of you not to case a big tizzy and pay her half, and it was wrong of her not to stop at an ATM or come over the next day and pay you back like she promised.
    I dont know if I would have demanded the money back right then and there, depended on how much it was for. I might have said to her...ok then you are taking ME out for dinner. Then it would have been even and you both would have spent some time together and had a fun ladies night out.
    I did that in the past. A friend of mine asked me to lunch but I didnt have any money and I told her that upfront. She offered to pay so I went...I then told her I was paying next time so right then we set up another lunch date and I paid. It was a great time and no ones feelings were hurt.
    3991 days ago
    Well I personally don't lend money to friends also cause it can cause many issues within the friendship , secondly they expect it next time around for some reason also. I totally agree with you on this , it was rude of her to not mention it PRIOR to dinner and secondly to do that in front of your other friends had to be embarrassing on her part also. She is being very immature if she gets upset and she shouldn't have made you ask for it PERIOD !!! Just my take on it, but I agree - 100%.
    3991 days ago
  • LIZK007
    She caught me off guard that's for sure! She IS afraid of Sadie!
    Plus when she dropped of the money she asked me to give her poodle a haircut! She suggested Thursday - I don't know what's going on with her. She knows my time is very limited because of Greg's needs. She is a good friend, but I've never encountered anything like this (her wanting me to pay for her as well as the dog haircut) . I used to have two toy poodles & know how to cut their hair, but . . .????
    3991 days ago
    emoticon I am sorry this happened to you. It depends how much her friendship means to you. I think that you handled it quite well and she did I am sure learn a lesson here. I am sorry you were put on the spot. emoticon Sick Sadie on her!
    3991 days ago
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