The Reawakening Of Me

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

For those of you who don't know me, I joined SparkPeople one year ago yesterday and this journey has truly been all the wonderful things you all read about from countless of Sparked members: adventurous, exciting, uplifting, empowering, and the list goes on and on.

Yesterday, I took some time to reflect and revisit different points of my journey throughout this past year and it was an eye-opening experience. I took an honest look at my Spark Journey through the use of my weight loss graph. I analyzed it, evaluated it, and realized quite a number of things.

At first glance, that graph line was SIMPLY MAGNIFICENT, staying well below that targeted red line and plummeting down with such ease while heading straight towards my goal. Then right around the holidays, it slowed down just a bit, and then picked up sometime around February (thanks to The Spark's 28-Day Program). What struck me is that from about April/May to now, the struggling that I've been going through became so obvious to me. And what made it so striking was that it was right there in front of my face in the form of an objective, scientific graph.

It got me thinking. I looked at the months where I was fighting tooth and nail for those ounces of weight loss as well as fighting for those same ounces not to come back on. What was happening back then? Why couldn't I hold it together?

I remembered all the trying things; I realized how I allowed myself to fall into old habits because it was easier than dealing with my challenges or stressful situations or pain.

Then my objectivity turned into criticism. All this accomplishment for all these months and then THIS??? How could I have done that to myself, to my goals, to my journey?

On that graph, I could easily see my unraveling, the loss of self-control and focus, as that graph line started to move upwards... then a bit downwards... then upwards again... and so on. It killed me to see it. It's as if I had allowed myself to meander into that old, comfortable zone of denial and yo-yo'g, and the sad thing was it took that graph staring at me right in the face to wake me up.

What I started to do next was also comfortably familiar; I started to beat myself up. The following thoughts started creeping in: "Look at all the time you've wasted! You should have taken off twice this amount of weight by now!" When all of a sudden, a voice from deep within spoke back with reverence and conviction: "No, I'm not doing this to myself! I've worked so hard for so long and IT IS a journey, and my journey has NOT come to an end just because that graph line took an upward turn. IT IS NOT OVER; IT IS NOT FINISHED; AND I WILL FINISH THIS. What happened to 'It's not about the number on the scale, Debbie?' Why is that philosophy good enough to use to coach your SparkFriends and Team Members, but not good enough for you? That line can easily come back down; you CAN make it come down; YOU are the only one that can make it keep going down. But you have to stop playing these mental games with yourself and with the scale and honor the vow you made to yourself one year ago today. IT'S GOT TO BE ABOUT TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF, PERIOD."

I'm proud to say that I am back on track as of today, and I wanted you all to know because I want to share this moment with you. I want to own my struggles these past few months and find value in the lessons learned; I want to celebrate my accomplishments this past year without diminishing them because of a timeline that wasn't met, and I want to own this moment of my reawakening, this moment of recommitting with renewed determination.

And to all the pitfalls I have encountered along the way, I say this to you, and I say this to you in my strongest of SparkVoice:

I am stronger than hurtful comments; I am stronger than my fears; I am stronger than I give myself credit for, through the turmoil, stress, and tears. I am stronger than I was yesterday, for I have the power of today; and the spirit of tomorrow promises more strength with each passing day.

1. Dig Deep. 2. Find Your Inner Warrior. 3. Be Brave and Be Done With It.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon LOVE this blog! You Rock!

    emoticon LOVE this: 1. Dig Deep. 2. Find Your Inner Warrior. 3. Be Brave and Be Done With It

    It' a perfect Warrior Woman Chant!
    3921 days ago
  • REJ7777
    I needed to read this this morning. The pounds are getting harder to lose and I feel I'm losing my focus. This is a kick in the butt to get back on track. Everybody struggles! Thx. emoticon
    3927 days ago
    You are a warrior Debbie, fierce, fabulous and unstoppable!!!
    3934 days ago
    I absolutely love your page and this blog! You are truly an inspiration!!!! Thank you for being you!
    3935 days ago
    Oh Debbie, I loved your blog! I'm approaching my 1 year anniversary too, and share many of your feelings. Stress has taken hold of my life the last three months and has left me floundering, and working to find my way back. I hope that you don't mind, but I would like to copy the last paragraph of your blog for my journal, because it hit home for me! Thank you for sharing your feelings and inspiring me!
    3935 days ago
    Glad to hear that you're feeling good about where you are. I'm coming up on my 1 year mark in a few days and I have to admit it's a bit dizzying to think of how long its been, and how many of the people who joined about the time I did are surely gone by now. The amount of change that can happen in a year is tough to get your head around, even when it's not as much as you expected.
    3940 days ago
  • JPRICE217
    great blog
    3941 days ago
    Think I just found my new motto:
    1. Dig Deep.
    2. Find Your Inner Warrior.
    3. Be Brave and Be Done With It.

    emoticon for writing this. I needed it.
    3941 days ago
    Our journeys continue indeed!

    I can't tell you how many comments I've gotten that I am not alone. It's like a lot of us were going through the same things at the same time... Weird, huh?

    3941 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/23/2010 4:53:15 PM
    This is so well written and truly comes from the heart. Way to go, Debbie! You are awesome, and we are all in this together so WE CAN DO THIS!
    3942 days ago
    I could have written this one my dear and I am SO very thankful you have put this all behind you. I am once again re-starting my commitment as well.

    Our journeys continue.

    Love you my friend,
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3942 days ago
    Budrfly, that totally makes me feel better...

    I guess this is part of realizing and accepting that I'm in it for the long haul. And I had this knowledge before, but it's like I sometimes forget lessons I had previously mastered or learned, epiphanies I already had had.

    I wonder why that happens.

    3942 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6707085
    It took me 2 years and 3 months to hit my goal. I went through many months of struggles and lack of motivation. I kept trying! Now, I am cruising through maintenance. I still find it a challenge and I will always have to be aware of my eating habits and not slipping back into old habits for too long.

    I am glad you are on the right path again.

    Slay those monkeys!
    3942 days ago
    JOLEEVA, I think I may name you our official Spark Warrior Cheerleader... :) Thank you for that.

    And Laura, you are equally as inspiring and well spoken, my friend. Now, cut it out... you're making me blush... emoticon

    I'm happy to report that today was Day 3 and I feel in control and am making progress.

    Hugs! emoticon
    3942 days ago
    You are just so amazingly strong, thoughtful, well spoken and inspiring, Debbie! I am not glad for our troubles, but I am glad we are both starting fresh this week together. It's comforting for me to be getting back to the good old habits of weighing myself once a week, logging it in, viewing my progress, counting calories, etc. I know these things work and they will work for me now.

    You rock, my friend!
    3944 days ago
    great blog; thanks for sharing...you are a strong, fierce, unstoppable and definitely fabulous Spark Warrior....as well as invincible.....nothing will stop you....not even those nasty monkeys of self doubt, fear, guilt and blame....shoo those monkeys right out that door. Take your broom to them, if need be..or better yet, use the vac on them... emoticon emoticon emoticon

    No monkeys going to get us Fierce and Awesome Warriors down....!!
    3944 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6372002
    3944 days ago
    Awwwww, guys... you all are awesome!

    It did me so much good to blog yesterday... It's like a weight lifted off of me. And to then read your loving messages, well, you've managed to lift me up.

    Thank you for that... Thank you for your friendship...

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3944 days ago
    emoticon I am SO proud of you, emoticon

    3944 days ago
  • TML-2012
    Wow, this is a fantastic blog and really made me think!!!!

    Thanks!! emoticon
    3944 days ago
    So like, can I reach through the monitor and HUG YOU?!!! What a great blog and I want to give you a big hug for that emotional journey you went through privately and then was bold enough to share with the rest of us! I was on the edge of my seat going, 'no Debbie no! Don't beat yourself up!' You are so awesome for pushing through. I know you can push through every, moment, every day. YOU GO GIRL!!!!

    PS- I just noticed- your last blog before this one was early May. You are usually much more forthcoming- we love you on all your days so share with us all the time!
    3944 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/20/2010 11:25:57 PM
    emoticon blog and well said my friend. You have a lot to look forward to, look back only as a tool of what you've learned. Don't let it rule how you move forward. It's a new day, a new beginning. We all struggle everyday, but you know what ~ we all struggle together. That's what makes us friends and a Fabulous Team. Cheers to you! emoticon emoticon
    3944 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/20/2010 11:12:01 PM
    Debbie, thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. No matter what has happened recently, you are not the same person who started this journey a year ago. You have grown and learned and discovered that you have the power and the strength to overcome. You will win this battle, once and for all, because you are truly fierce, fabulous, and unstoppable. And you have Spark Friends to share the journey with you, so you're not doing it alone; that makes a difference. Thanks for being one of mine!

    emoticon emoticon
    3944 days ago
    What a powerful blog - and what a great lesson for us all! This is a journey, and sometimes the road pivots back for a time just so that we can revisit something we may not have seen fully the first time. Either way, our destination remains the same....and I know with your fierce determination you will reach yours!!! And, you will be all the stronger because you took what could have been a weakness a year ago and looked at it for what it is....just another learning experience, faced it down and overcame it! emoticon emoticon
    3944 days ago
    Wow what an open and honest reflection on your year on Spark People. I would say that through your analyzation of your journey on Spark People you have learned a lot and come far. You were able to look at both the positive and the negative and what you gleaned from both you have definitely come out to be the Strong Warrior Woman you are. You are determined to win this battle and it shows. HUGS!
    3944 days ago
    This is a POWERFUL blog! I wish everyone will read it!
    3944 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4429274
    You are stronger, indeed. And thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not alone in saying I can see myself in much of what you wrote. But beating myself up isn't cardio and there is no benefit in "should'ing" all over myself.

    So I'll borrow a page from your playbook and put my energy into the here and now. And then, when I look back again, I won't see what "could have been." I'll see what I have made.

    3944 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.