The Reawakening Of Me
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
For those of you who don't know me, I joined SparkPeople one year ago yesterday and this journey has truly been all the wonderful things you all read about from countless of Sparked members: adventurous, exciting, uplifting, empowering, and the list goes on and on.
Yesterday, I took some time to reflect and revisit different points of my journey throughout this past year and it was an eye-opening experience. I took an honest look at my Spark Journey through the use of my weight loss graph. I analyzed it, evaluated it, and realized quite a number of things.
At first glance, that graph line was SIMPLY MAGNIFICENT, staying well below that targeted red line and plummeting down with such ease while heading straight towards my goal. Then right around the holidays, it slowed down just a bit, and then picked up sometime around February (thanks to The Spark's 28-Day Program). What struck me is that from about April/May to now, the struggling that I've been going through became so obvious to me. And what made it so striking was that it was right there in front of my face in the form of an objective, scientific graph.
It got me thinking. I looked at the months where I was fighting tooth and nail for those ounces of weight loss as well as fighting for those same ounces not to come back on. What was happening back then? Why couldn't I hold it together?
I remembered all the trying things; I realized how I allowed myself to fall into old habits because it was easier than dealing with my challenges or stressful situations or pain.
Then my objectivity turned into criticism. All this accomplishment for all these months and then THIS??? How could I have done that to myself, to my goals, to my journey?
On that graph, I could easily see my unraveling, the loss of self-control and focus, as that graph line started to move upwards... then a bit downwards... then upwards again... and so on. It killed me to see it. It's as if I had allowed myself to meander into that old, comfortable zone of denial and yo-yo'g, and the sad thing was it took that graph staring at me right in the face to wake me up.
What I started to do next was also comfortably familiar; I started to beat myself up. The following thoughts started creeping in: "Look at all the time you've wasted! You should have taken off twice this amount of weight by now!" When all of a sudden, a voice from deep within spoke back with reverence and conviction: "No, I'm not doing this to myself! I've worked so hard for so long and IT IS a journey, and my journey has NOT come to an end just because that graph line took an upward turn. IT IS NOT OVER; IT IS NOT FINISHED; AND I WILL FINISH THIS. What happened to 'It's not about the number on the scale, Debbie?' Why is that philosophy good enough to use to coach your SparkFriends and Team Members, but not good enough for you? That line can easily come back down; you CAN make it come down; YOU are the only one that can make it keep going down. But you have to stop playing these mental games with yourself and with the scale and honor the vow you made to yourself one year ago today. IT'S GOT TO BE ABOUT TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF, PERIOD."
I'm proud to say that I am back on track as of today, and I wanted you all to know because I want to share this moment with you. I want to own my struggles these past few months and find value in the lessons learned; I want to celebrate my accomplishments this past year without diminishing them because of a timeline that wasn't met, and I want to own this moment of my reawakening, this moment of recommitting with renewed determination.
And to all the pitfalls I have encountered along the way, I say this to you, and I say this to you in my strongest of SparkVoice:
I am stronger than hurtful comments; I am stronger than my fears; I am stronger than I give myself credit for, through the turmoil, stress, and tears. I am stronger than I was yesterday, for I have the power of today; and the spirit of tomorrow promises more strength with each passing day.
1. Dig Deep. 2. Find Your Inner Warrior. 3. Be Brave and Be Done With It.