well.... hehe whoops.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Ok, so I can start this off by listing the excuses I have ready in my head... but I've got to be honest with myself: I've been lazy.
I have people that love me and are telling me that I look fine but at the end of the day... I hate the way I look. I was practically born vain (again, being honest with myself) and I've never LOVED the way I looked, but at this point I would LOVE to look the way I did two years again. But most of us want to look the way we did when we were 17, don't we?
I stopped getting on here and I honestly have no idea what happened after that. College kicked my ass and I gained a bit of weight there. When college didn't work out so great, I started a desk job (40 hrs a week at a desk an hour away from home, so that's 50 hrs of sitting down a week just for work) in the middle of the country where we only have Burger King or a mexican restaurant 10 miles down the road. Got a new boyfriend... that is VERY country and can cook... imagine deer backstrap stuffed with cream cheese and jalapenos and wrapped in bacon so that the cream cheese doesn't melt out of the meat while it's on the grill... absolutely SINFUL. But amazing and addicting. Plus his tacos made with deer meat are the best damn thing I've ever tasted.
I think I'm almost self destructive lol. If you look at the things I've surrounded myself with it's almost as if I want to be fat. WHAT THE HELL?! lol
What hit me today was when my little sister (who is now a junior in high school and a thin cheerleader) came over and we searched through my many dresses to find things we could wear for Halloween this weekend. I tried on my prom dress from my senior prom (a year and a half ago). I looked like an overstuffed sausage. Ok, I knew I had gained weight. No biggy, right? Maybe if I tried on the ball gown that I wore to my junior prom I would feel better. After all, it was an altered size 14 (I was a size 8-10ish but it was the most beautiful thing we'd ever seen so we had to get it) and it was still too big a year ago. It wouldn't even zip all the way.
I actually teared up. Then I had to watch my half naked skinny little sister try on all the clothes that used to fit me... What the hell happened to me?
I've GOT to lose weight... ASAP!