I just want to eat.....
Friday, December 17, 2010
Well...I've been reading alot of blogs and member boards and I've gotten a ton of inspiration and some great feedback and am SO ready to stary my journey on Monday. All I want to do right now however, is go home and work out. I feel so BIG! I'm sitting at work, ate a footlong sub and a few cookies! Now I'm like hmm what else can I eat...meanwhile I'm sitting here feeling my stomach stretch out even more. I'm at the heaviest I've ever been in my entire life. In part I blame smoking...I quit on October 9th and haven't had any problems with it..except gaining weight. Everytime I used to want to snack, I'd smoke a cig and lose the urge...now I just eat. But I'm glad I quit the cancer sticks..definietly a plus! :)
I'm finally feeling better! No sore throat and no cough but defeinitely not going to be working out quite yet...the lungs are still having trouble breathing..probably because of this large tire I got going on around my body. This is my birthday weekend. My b-day is Sunday and I weigh almost 50 pounds more this year than last year. My bf's family want to do something on Sunday for me and I'm really thrilled that they like me enough to do that but I'm scared they will notice the 5-10 pounds I gained between Thanksgiving and Sunday. ( We live a few hours apart and I only see his family every few weeks.)
I looked in the mirror today after getting all glammed up for work and started crying..which in turn made me redo my makeup...haha..here I was standing in front of the mirror with flawless makeup, flawless clothes, flawless nails and still picking apart my body. I feel so worthless and fat when I look in the mirror. No matter how nice of clothes or accessories I have...I still see the bulges, I still see how something fit me better 6 months ago..or heaven forbid..I can't wear THOSE jeans anymore. I know when I start working out and eating right and start seeing the pounds shed off I will feel better but right now I just loathe myself and am so scared for Sunday...I mean who wants their attractive and very fit son with someone who is overweight...ugh..I hope the rest of my blogs aren't so depressing..guess I just need some pick me up and needed to vent. I'm a very optimistic person and yet here I sit....Tomorrow will be a better day..it just has to be
Good Night Spark Friends!