Friday, December 31, 2010
Seriously...one year later and out of all days of the year, it's New Year's Eve.
I hate New Years Resolutions: they're like failed opportunities. They start you off so hype and not too many people make it through it. I despise the end product from New Years Resolutions but I'm trying to be optimistic.
One year later...
I have some of the same (and worse) health issues than before. A number of my friends are depressed and concerned about my health and I managed to piss off a few friends last night from my comment after they told me not to get a second serving. What can I say...I said what I felt and feel most days: "Well, you're going to die from something so why not be happy doing it..."
Yes, I know it's screwed up but this is the way I feel most mornings waking up. I'm trying to figure out when did Tickle Me Elmo laugh me into a fat suit. I get through most of my days laughing at things because reality sucks like hell. I don't care if two people went through the same thing at the same time at the same point...everyone goes through it differently.
I'm so tired of people telling me to be strong like I'm not allowed to feel a certain way or be depressed. Since when did I choose to be effin Superwoman. I don't have a cape, magic underwear and some leggings that I'd be fine wearing in public and screaming "duh, duh, duh, duhhhh Super Fat Ass!" C'mon really?
I spend most of my days saving everyone else from their own lives and I lose time to save myself. I love me but I damn sure don't like me. I'm disgusted most days. I laugh at my weight, even buy some cute things and love Ashley Stewart because I don't have the weird clothing going on but I'm terrified most days.
Who am I? Really...who AM I...I know what roles I take on, the way people view me and humble that people view me as one of the strongest people that they know but who AM I...really.
I wake up to being sick, throwing up some days because my stomach chooses it's not going to like food today or there's days where I luck up and my stomach gives me a break but to others who don't understand the severity of my health want to lecture me about how much I'm eating. I feel like a bear. Am I hibernating? Eat what I can eat when needed and on days that I'm too nauseas, use my reserved? Is this really the way?
Lord help me...because I wonder some days if I have the strength to help myself. I'm only...::chuckle:: 220 - 235 lbs yet I see people with more weight than me who aren't going through my health issues. An umbilical hernia that may not be operable if I cannot lose some of this weight.
I'm 25 with a kid, a husband and one of the "backbones" of my family and friends and I'm kissing death because I have a hernia trying to come back because of my weight. How the hell am I supposed to feel?
I need a start and the only piece of advice that makes any sense to me is the part that I got last night: "...I'd rather know that you left this place trying to do what's best for you than leaving succumbing to an uncertain fate..."
It's cliche but 2011 is my year...or it will be my last year. I don't want this to work...I NEED it to work. Hell, who else is going to raise my bad ass child, :/