Friday, December 31, 2010 year later and out of all days of the year, it's New Year's Eve.

I hate New Years Resolutions: they're like failed opportunities. They start you off so hype and not too many people make it through it. I despise the end product from New Years Resolutions but I'm trying to be optimistic.

One year later...

I have some of the same (and worse) health issues than before. A number of my friends are depressed and concerned about my health and I managed to piss off a few friends last night from my comment after they told me not to get a second serving. What can I say...I said what I felt and feel most days: "Well, you're going to die from something so why not be happy doing it..."

Yes, I know it's screwed up but this is the way I feel most mornings waking up. I'm trying to figure out when did Tickle Me Elmo laugh me into a fat suit. I get through most of my days laughing at things because reality sucks like hell. I don't care if two people went through the same thing at the same time at the same point...everyone goes through it differently.

I'm so tired of people telling me to be strong like I'm not allowed to feel a certain way or be depressed. Since when did I choose to be effin Superwoman. I don't have a cape, magic underwear and some leggings that I'd be fine wearing in public and screaming "duh, duh, duh, duhhhh Super Fat Ass!" C'mon really?

I spend most of my days saving everyone else from their own lives and I lose time to save myself. I love me but I damn sure don't like me. I'm disgusted most days. I laugh at my weight, even buy some cute things and love Ashley Stewart because I don't have the weird clothing going on but I'm terrified most days.

Who am I? Really...who AM I...I know what roles I take on, the way people view me and humble that people view me as one of the strongest people that they know but who AM I...really.

I wake up to being sick, throwing up some days because my stomach chooses it's not going to like food today or there's days where I luck up and my stomach gives me a break but to others who don't understand the severity of my health want to lecture me about how much I'm eating. I feel like a bear. Am I hibernating? Eat what I can eat when needed and on days that I'm too nauseas, use my reserved? Is this really the way?

Lord help me...because I wonder some days if I have the strength to help myself. I'm only...::chuckle:: 220 - 235 lbs yet I see people with more weight than me who aren't going through my health issues. An umbilical hernia that may not be operable if I cannot lose some of this weight.

I'm 25 with a kid, a husband and one of the "backbones" of my family and friends and I'm kissing death because I have a hernia trying to come back because of my weight. How the hell am I supposed to feel?

I need a start and the only piece of advice that makes any sense to me is the part that I got last night: "...I'd rather know that you left this place trying to do what's best for you than leaving succumbing to an uncertain fate..."

It's cliche but 2011 is my year...or it will be my last year. I don't want this to work...I NEED it to work. Hell, who else is going to raise my bad ass child, :/
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I can relate to some of the things you said.I too, am one of those people always putting out fires and saving people from themselves. It feels like crap when the people you love are the ones that hurt you unintentionally with comments like that one. Sure they want good things for you, but could you say that a whole lot nicer and QUIETER!! We dont need to alert the officials in Brazil, that Im eating another piece of "whatever I didnt get enough of". (BTW, had that happened with the old me, I would have to repent sho nuff!LOL)I have shopped and ate to make me feel better and neither one of those things I could afford to do because I spent what I didnt have and my butt got bigger. I have sat in a dressing room and cried because the dress "in my size" looked like you-know-what on me but looked great in the display. I joined SP in March and have lost a total of 9lbs. because I havent made time to put me first. Im busy being everything to everybody and nothing to myself. Ive had people say, "Whats wrong with your hair? Its nappy!" (Im natural) And,yes I have cried out to God,too.

    All those things really hurt. But it didnt count me out. You can do this. Shoot, Im gonna do it. I dont know you, but you sound strong. Dont lose the most important thing you need for this journey--YOU! You are on the right track just keep going. That wonderful husband and son need you to be around. And dont worry, I commit with you, to do what what we both need to do.
    3784 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/2/2011 8:27:54 PM
    I don't want to be one of those people who give the same old saying like "it's your time to shine", "you've got this", or something mundane such as that. But in reality, You've done it before, it can be done again. Through cyberspace I can really tell that you are strong. We as women are a lot stronger than we realize anyway. After taking care of the kids, working, and trying to be as supportive to everyone who ever mattered in our lives, it's important that we take time and assess the importance of "us".

    I can honestly sit and say that for the last six months, I have been stuck at the same weight, and in September I even gained 6 pounds trying to re-adjust to a new job and different hours. It's is entirely up to us to take control of our lives. The main thing is, is that you have to want it bad enough.

    I've been on spark for the last 2 years and just a week ago I decided to go and get a membership at a gym. Not because my home workouts weren't working, but because I knew I needed a change of scenery or else I wouldn't be motivated enough to stick with it. I want badly enough to reach my goal weight and say I did it.

    Had someone told me not to go back for a second helping, they probably would have been cursed out so I understand your frustration. It's your life, and you do with it what you want to. But the main thing is that you put life into perspective for you, your son, and your husband. No one can hold your hand and do this. It's up to you to take charge of your life. This past two years I've had no one to help me along in my journey. I've even had a sabotager or two, but I made a commitment to myself, that I would be thinner and healthier. Why don't you make the commitment with me? I promise if you need me to, I'll hold your hand along the way!!! emoticon
    3787 days ago
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    It sounds like you've had a really crappy hand dealt to you, and in my opinion you are allowed to be upset about it. I'm sorry I don't have anything inspirational to share. But if you would like, I volunteer my services as your cheer team. You can do it! emoticon
    3787 days ago
    3787 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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