Emotional Day Update...
Friday, January 07, 2011
I still feel some extra emotions, but I believe that I am finally starting TOM. See, I realized I had not had my cycle since the beginning of September. I had symptoms, but no Aunt Flo. So, after 3-4 months, I guess my hormoes really whacked out, but if I really have a cycle this time, maybe I will feel better. Right now it is more like spotting, so that is why I am not sure if I am actually starting or not.
Wednesday and Thursday were better at school, I got more in the groove and felt more at peace, although the emotions would threaten to take over, they weren't as strong. I went to the doctor on Tuesday afternoon and am being sent to the gynecologist to figure out why my cycle is messed up again. Of course, now I will start, right? Oh well, I need to go to the gyn, because I have not been since 2006, I believe it is... so it's all good. He did increase my Effexor from 75mg, to 150mg. It is an anti-depressant or in that family of drugs and has been known to help in alot of different symptoms, issues, several of which I have or may have. Like it is supposed to help fibromyalgia and I think I have that, even on a small scale, but it has not been diagnosed. Anyway, I have taken it two nights in a row.
My supervising teacher and all the people at the school where I am at seem really nice and sweet, etc... BUT, it does not feel like I "fit". That could be ALL me, I know that. Of course, it could just be that my first placement teacher and I connected so well and I am missing her alot too... who knows, but I just do not think it is the teachers or people at the school I am at now. I think I may just be having a disconnect. Plus, we have had snow days and long breaks from school and that keeps connections from forming as well, ya know? My supervising teacher says I am doing well, so to quit worrying and being so nervous. :)
I think I might be grieving my "old life". You know, the one where I can stay home and make my own schedule, etc...?? I mean, I WANT to be a teacher, and I want to work and get some income for my family, but it is change and changes are scary sometimes. I know that once student teaching is done, I have no more excuses, I must be out looking for a job, etc... Does that make sense? I LIKE being home if the kids are sick or being home to have some down time without the kids, etc... It's just different, it's change...
I have three weeks of student teaching left, IF I do not have to make up anymore snow days. I am already making up a whole week of snow days. So, hopefully, I won't have to make this one up and there wont be anymore and I can get done by the 28th of this month... as much as I am grieving not having my "home" time, I am ready to be DONE with student teaching and move on. If I can substitute, I can bring in some money and it will be alot different than student teaching. i will, for the most part be on my own and that will be good experience and I do not like feeling as if I am being "watched" all the time. I know it is the supervising teachers job to make sure I am doing it right, but I think it is intimidating sometimes to be watched all the time. It's nice to know that sometimes she tunes it out and does not pay attention. :)
I know I am rambling, just getting some stuff out here that has been on my mind. I am gonna get off here for now though and go upstairs and take a nap with John and when we wake up, we are rearranging our room, which I do not look forward too, but at the same time, maybe it will be good and we will sleep better at night.
Over and out, (not sure I can take a nap, but I can lay down with him and watch TV if nothing else)