SHANSHE
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Emotional Day Update...

Friday, January 07, 2011

I still feel some extra emotions, but I believe that I am finally starting TOM. See, I realized I had not had my cycle since the beginning of September. I had symptoms, but no Aunt Flo. So, after 3-4 months, I guess my hormoes really whacked out, but if I really have a cycle this time, maybe I will feel better. Right now it is more like spotting, so that is why I am not sure if I am actually starting or not.

Wednesday and Thursday were better at school, I got more in the groove and felt more at peace, although the emotions would threaten to take over, they weren't as strong. I went to the doctor on Tuesday afternoon and am being sent to the gynecologist to figure out why my cycle is messed up again. Of course, now I will start, right? Oh well, I need to go to the gyn, because I have not been since 2006, I believe it is... so it's all good. He did increase my Effexor from 75mg, to 150mg. It is an anti-depressant or in that family of drugs and has been known to help in alot of different symptoms, issues, several of which I have or may have. Like it is supposed to help fibromyalgia and I think I have that, even on a small scale, but it has not been diagnosed. Anyway, I have taken it two nights in a row.

My supervising teacher and all the people at the school where I am at seem really nice and sweet, etc... BUT, it does not feel like I "fit". That could be ALL me, I know that. Of course, it could just be that my first placement teacher and I connected so well and I am missing her alot too... who knows, but I just do not think it is the teachers or people at the school I am at now. I think I may just be having a disconnect. Plus, we have had snow days and long breaks from school and that keeps connections from forming as well, ya know? My supervising teacher says I am doing well, so to quit worrying and being so nervous. :)

I think I might be grieving my "old life". You know, the one where I can stay home and make my own schedule, etc...?? I mean, I WANT to be a teacher, and I want to work and get some income for my family, but it is change and changes are scary sometimes. I know that once student teaching is done, I have no more excuses, I must be out looking for a job, etc... Does that make sense? I LIKE being home if the kids are sick or being home to have some down time without the kids, etc... It's just different, it's change...

I have three weeks of student teaching left, IF I do not have to make up anymore snow days. I am already making up a whole week of snow days. So, hopefully, I won't have to make this one up and there wont be anymore and I can get done by the 28th of this month... as much as I am grieving not having my "home" time, I am ready to be DONE with student teaching and move on. If I can substitute, I can bring in some money and it will be alot different than student teaching. i will, for the most part be on my own and that will be good experience and I do not like feeling as if I am being "watched" all the time. I know it is the supervising teachers job to make sure I am doing it right, but I think it is intimidating sometimes to be watched all the time. It's nice to know that sometimes she tunes it out and does not pay attention. :)

I know I am rambling, just getting some stuff out here that has been on my mind. I am gonna get off here for now though and go upstairs and take a nap with John and when we wake up, we are rearranging our room, which I do not look forward too, but at the same time, maybe it will be good and we will sleep better at night.

Over and out, (not sure I can take a nap, but I can lay down with him and watch TV if nothing else)
Shan

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • GOODHEALTH4EVER
    HI SHAN,

    I AGREE WITH EVERYONE, SOUNDS LIKE HORMONES ARE OUT OF WACK. GLAD YOUR SEEING YOUR OBGYN:)

    I STOPPED WORKING AFTER 35 YEARS A WHILE AGO AND I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CAN BE TORN ABOUT WANTING TO WORK AND WANTING TO BE HOME.

    ONCE YOUR STUDENT TEACHING IS COMPLETED, IT SOUNDS LIKE SUBBING WOULD BE A GREAT FIT FOR YOUR NEEDS. YOU GET TO PICK YOUR JOBS AND HAVE INCOME AND TIME AT HOME:) GREAT!!!

    I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO HAVE SOMEONE WATCHING YOU. IT CAN BE STRESSFUL. I THINK YOU ARE HARDER ON YOURSELF, THAN ANY OF YOUR SUPERVISORS WILL BE...YOU ARE GOING TO DO JUST FINE SHANNON...BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF, LIKE YOU WOULD BE WITH ANY OF US :0)
    emoticon RETT
    3818 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/10/2011 3:35:57 PM
  • no profile photo CD6223170
    Sounds like it's definitely hormones!
    Don't worry about not fitting in. I'm sure you're doing GREAT! And it sounds like you are feeling too busy. I understand that. Going from being home and doing things on your own time to having to be someplace all the time and not having that freedom is hard.
    But you are GOING places and should be proud!

    3819 days ago
  • LOOKING_UP
    Hormones sure can mess with our minds and bodies!! Be super kind to yourself, Shan, and keep sharing like you did here--not rambling one bit. It's good to just share without screening your thoughts!! VERY healthy practice. I hope you are feeling better today. I can understand wanting to be finished with student teaching and back to a little more control of your schedule. 3 weeks will go by fast and you will be able to sub, say NO if you need to be home or with your kids....it will be so nice for you to have flexibility back in your schedule. Hang in there, friend. Only 3 more weeks!!
    3820 days ago
  • LIVE_TO_LOVE
    I loved reading your "rambling" . I MISS it! I'm glad you and DH had some down time together. I saw you were awake till this morning..I wonder if it was the rearranged room, the nap, the meds or the hormones? emoticon

    I fully understand your emotions about the changes going on. I think that's a god thing, and great that you are acknowleging it. I wish you were feeling more confident in your placement this time around, but perhaps that's a part of it that will be helpful in the future.

    I am anxious to see your subbing and coming into your own as a teacher. :) Lots of wonderful things are ahead for you, my dear friend!!! 2011 is going to be transitional and exciting. :)

    Thank you for blogging!!!!!!!
    3820 days ago
  • BARBARAROSE54
    Sure sounds like hormones acting up Shan, hope your gyn can help straighten you out !
    3820 days ago
  • no profile photo POSITIVELYHERE
    Oh my..no period for 3-4 months would certainly make for a hormonal woman. I think it's good that you are going to the gyn. and yes shannon of course you will start now. :0)

    I wanted to be a teacher. I am envious of you if that helps at all. What grade are you looking to teach? Having someone watch you would be nerve wracking though so I am sure the excitement of having your own class even if it just as a sub is a pretty awesome feeling.

    I completely understand missing your down time. Who doesnt want that? I am never alone. LOL I swear. Its like once in a blue moon hubby and son are both out. I think that is why I can be a bit testy at times.

    I hope that blogginh helped ease your mind a bit and I hope you were able to rest.
    3821 days ago
  • RUTHXG
    Ah, it's definitely hormones then! I'm glad you're doing better, & I hope you get further help from the OB when you go.

    It's not surprising that you'd be more in sync with one school/faculty/supervisor than with the other. Hopefully down the road you'll end up with folks you feel comfortable with.

    My understanding is that substitute teaching requires very little prep! So once you're in that mode you'll have a break--some months of less stressful work.

    Of course you feel some ambivalence as you contemplate full-time teaching down the road! But let me say that working to help pay bills, especially when you're doing something significant to help others, such as teaching, is hugely rewarding. My therapist & I were just talking about this. It feels great to be providing for one's family. It feels great to know that one's work is valued, worthy of a paycheck. It feels great to know that one's work is making a difference in others' lives.

    I think you'll love it.

    emoticon
    3821 days ago
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