BLESSEDINBAMA

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Trying to Get Back on Track

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Friends, I've been away for far too long and so much has changed in my life. In the last year, my Meniere's Disease and positional vertigo has worsened to the point that I must use a cane if I'm walking more than a few feet and have had to obtain a handicapped parking tag. I also have MD in both ears now. Added to that is spinal stenosis, a narrowing of the spine that is pressing on the nerve root, causing pain and numbness in my lower back and thighs. I have not felt good in nearly three years, and it finally wore me down this year.

In hopes of getting rid of the positional vertigo, I recently underwent canal occlusion surgery and at four weeks post-op I am finally seeing a tiny bit of improvement. I should continue to improve for eight more weeks and by then we'll know how much it really helped. I have also had a serious of three epidurals for the spinal stenosis, but it has not helped much, and you can only have them every six months.

I have been deeply depressed for the last year or so--obviously situational depression. I don't even know myself sometimes; I used to be so optimistic and upbeat--a "people" lover.

Because I also have nystagmus (involuntary eye jerking) whenever I'm in a place with visual stimuli, I have been forced to forego anything that involves public places, people moving, bright lights, loud noises, etc. I haven't been able to go to church, shopping, or anywhere but work in nearly two years. That's prettyy tough for a "people person." Luckily, my boss gave me a private office or I would not have been able to keep my job, which I love. God has blessed me with compassionate co-workers who try to help in any way that they can.

During these last two years, I have been forced by my health issues to become almost completely sedentary. Between that and the depression, I have managed to gain back the 46 pounds that I spent 13 months losing, prior to the vertigo. I still can't exercise or even walk more than a few feet without getting sick; can't bend forward or sideways, reach up or down--without getting vertigo and nausea. All my hopes are pinned on the recent surgery. It was my chance to relieve the positional vertigo which is the one that is constant with every movement of my head. Please pray with me that it will be successful. The recovery was so horrible and debilitating that I can't fathom going through another surgery on my ear--but neither can I imagine going on like this for the rest of my life. I am only 54 years old, but I feel like I'm 80 most of the time.

I want to be faithful to sparkpeople, if only for the wonderful support; but there are days when I'm feeling so down that I simply don't care. Doesn't that sound awful when I actually say it? I really get disgusted with myself when I sound so weak; but only the grace of my God has kept me sane so far. And I know that He is in control and will help me, if only I can be strong enough to do my part.

I plan to take baby steps. I am starting with this blog and I plan to check in on some of my old groups. If I can watch my diet, I will. But I am promising not to bear myself up when I'm already depressed. My number one goal is to get myself in a better frame of mind through the support of all you wonderful people going through similar trials. Your prayers are appreciated. I need all the help I can get!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • FOST40
    I'm so sorry for all that you have to deal with. You might need to think about getting on some anti-depressants for awhile to help you cope. I've been diagnosed with spinal stenosis.
    3243 days ago
  • GRAMMACATHY
    Checking on my friends to see who was still on SP. I am glad you are back and hope that you are still making gains against the vertigo. Please blog again and let us know how you are doing.
    3756 days ago
  • BELLACUDDLES
    B aby steps will get you where you want to go.....just need to keep taking them every day and see the light at the end of the long tunnel!! God will help you; lean on Him even more. Sending up prayers for you, friend.

    Barbara
    3798 days ago
  • DK1973
    i hope you feel better soon. you have a lovely spirit and it comes out in your blog. prayers and happiness coming your way. emoticon
    3800 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6576689
    I am sorry for all you are going through, and I hope that in time you find that the surgery did help. Do what you can to eat right, and don't beat yourself up!!! Check in often and know that there will be many to offer support and some cheer when you need it. Good luck!
    Kristi
    3803 days ago
  • CASAGRANDMA
    It's so good to hear from you again. emoticon My heart breaks at the challenges you've had to fight your way through. emoticon I do want you to know that you've helped me tremendously in the past to handle my own vertigo and dizziness (I separate the two as to how they feel to me). emoticon So all those experiences you've had to deal with have helped others of us. Many thanks for the help!! I will continue to pray for you, as I have been all along. emoticon It does help to know where you are in this in how I pray though, so again thank you. Hang in there, Friend. I know it is hard but our precious Lord must have something tremendously awesome in mind for you once all this is over with -- Multimillion dollar book deal on how to survive the unsurviable or something like that. emoticon emoticon

    Yes, like the others, I've been wondering how you were doing. I'll be praying more now and more specifically. emoticon emoticon Diana
    3803 days ago
  • SPARKINGINMASS
    I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time. I hope that you can get some more relief soon. sending thoughts and prayers.
    3803 days ago
  • BIGDAD1211
    Welcome back my friend! Glad to see you again.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon Back!!!!
    3803 days ago
  • DEBANNE1124
    Well hello there stranger. I have foten wondered about you. I'm so glad you are back.
    I hope youa re feeling better. I've missed you.

    april 1st last year I had surgery to implant a Cochlear implant. it has helped me tremendously. But my vertigo remains.
    Hugs
    Debbie
    3803 days ago
  • DEBANNE1124
    Well hello there stranger. I have foten wondered about you. I'm so glad you are back.
    I hope youa re feeling better. I've missed you.

    april 1st last year I had surgery to implant a Cochlear implant. it has helped me tremendously. But my vertigo remains.
    Hugs
    Debbie
    3803 days ago
  • BLESSEDINBAMA
    I chose the photo because it expresses how I often feel--bleak and cold--just needing some light and sunshine back in my life. Then I remembered how blessed I am--a wonderful, loving husband, children, and God; I do have Light in my life emoticon
    3803 days ago
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