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Uncertainty

Friday, March 25, 2011

As many of you know I have been coping with a knee injury that has left me in limbo as to what was going to happen.
I am a gung ho for exercise and like to do as much as I can.
The knee threw a wrench into my retinue.
All the cardio that I want and need was now limited due to the knee injury .
That's like telling a race horse that they have to sit the next 10 races out.
All I want to do is function at my full potential. I don't like limitations.
With me it's all the way. I have lived my life that way. I give 110% to any project or job I take on. I don't like to fail. I always play to win. And my present project is "ME"
So once I was on such a roll with my weight loss and workouts I felt invincible.
But I got knocked down with the knee injury.
At first I could keep going, maybe a day or so off, but I pushed on.
But in the back of my mind I had the thought , , What happens if it goes out completely?
The uncertainty of what will happen started to weigh on my mind.
I wondered will I fall back into old habits? . Will slowing my workouts result in weight loss coming to a standstill? Will all the hard work I have put in be lost?
Then I started to wonder about the actuality of having a knee replacement. Will I have complications? How long will I be out of commission? All the uncertainty, the doubts were flooding my mind.
I kept going through each day , trying to stay positive. But the uncertainty was starting to take it's toll .
I was not eating as much, My appetite suffered. I was not sleeping trough the night. I was having bad dreams.
I tried to shake it off.. I meditated and that helped some. But still the cloud hanging over my head was the uncertainty of what was going to happen with this knee problem. A knee problem that first surfaced in 1995.
I was hiking at Green Peter Dam and slipped on the trail and fell. tearing the tendons and creating some bone chips that had to be repaired. Once the Doctor took the MRI it should damage from my years of running and jogging. One operation and it seems fixed. But then complications, and in 1997 , another operations and I was living with a damaged knee. My previous doctor would not replace it due to my weight which by that time has ballooned to 245. Now I know there are many people who have replacement surgery at that weight or heavier. But my doctor was adamant that it would not hold up at that weight. So I did not question him , I accepted his opinion. In hind sight maybe I should have. But I'm not gonna ,should have, would have, might have. What's past is history. And history only belongs in books not in our everyday lives.
This past week with my knee finally going out to the point it did not look like it was getting better. The uncertainty I lived with became more real.
When I saw the doctor Thursday and he said I can see that more cortisone is not going to help you.
My heart sort of sank. I sat there with a worried look on my face.
He said I have some bad news and good news for you. I just looked at him, expecting the worst. He said first off I can fix up your knee, we can make you 100% like new in say 3 weeks. But the bad news is I am leaving this practice and after June , I will have to let one of the other doctors take over . I really like this young new doctor , he's what my last doctor was not. He's up on the latest techniques and I trust him completely.
I was sorry to hear he was not going to be my doctor, but I was more happy to hear that I was not going to have to wait till May for the help I so desperately need and want..
All of a sudden I felt a calming relief come over me. the uncertainty of what was going to happen had been answered. or sure there was little questions, but I have such faith in my doctor and in my own ability to over come obstacles that I know everything will work out.
Last night for the fist time in a few weeks I slept much better. Even with waking up with the knee pain, I managed to over come it and get back to sleep. I work up this morning with much more purpose. Now I have a date, 4/19/2011, a plan. I have to make arrangement for the dog, for the office . Now I feel like I am in control. The uncertainty is gone.
Yesterday while I was at the doctor he had to drain some of the fluid that was pooling around the joint. That way it would reduce some of the swelling. That is one painful procedure .
But I have had it done before and I know in the long run it helps.
Suprizing if you know something is going to be painful but afterwards you will feel better, the procedure doest hurt as much. At least that's what I tell myself. Smile!!
Today I woke up trying to convince myself that my knee was so much better, that I could go to the gym. My doctor has said, when ever I feel like I can stand on it, I can continue with water aerobics. of course I can use the machines on other body parts, anytime.
But better sense prevailed and I decided to wait till Monday.
Once I have the knee replacement I can not do water aerobics for 4 weeks. I will be in rehab and there are lots of others exercises I can do. I have already been given a DVD of exercises to work on. That way I will have the exercises perfected so I won't have to refer to a DVD or book to see what I need to do.
The same day as the operation , I will be expected to get up and walk on the leg. The next day you are expected to be able to walk 50 feet. Once that is mastered you can go home the next day. That way you are able to get around your home with out help.
My doctor said I will probably be asking to walk 100 steps to prove I can go the extra steps..
He also said he thinks I will have an easy time. With all the weight loss, the healthy eating and exercise I am in very good physical shape , I am a poster women for complete success.
I smiled when he said that. For that's what my weight loss doctor said about my weight loss.
That I was a poster women for the successful way to lose weight.
Well poster women or not, I just want to be a healthy, fit ,fully mobile women who is free to live and enjoy her life.
The one glitch is I will have to postpone my trip to italy , from this fall to spring 2012..
I will have my left knee done in the fall. The doctor said I can have it done six weeks after the right one, but I don't want to be out of commission for 3 months .
My mon who is 85 is in excellent health and she will be going with me.
So now I have caught you all up on the saga of the knees
Oh I forget about the weight. When I was weighted at the doctors I weighted the same 171.5 dressed as I did last Saturday with no clothes on. So I figured I have lost weight, Right?
Well I got on the scale this morning and sure enough I weighed 169, naked as a jay bird.
Now I just have to try to maintain that loss. I had not been eating as much due to uncertainty and pain. Did you know that with extreme pain it takes your appetite away?? At least with me it does. But I don't want the pain to continue, that's no way to lose weight.
I have the size 10 pants that have a 3 " gap in the front to fit into , as motivation. Plus the skinny jeans that I can only fasten by laying down and sucking in my breath, Smile!! I would hesitate to ware them out, for if I had to go to the loo, I would never get them fastened again. Smile!. Just in case I had better ware a long top to cover up the gap in the front.
I've got to close this , i'm getting silly now.
You can probably tell I am probably getting cabin fever , I need to get out of here.
Maybe I will just stop at the gym and use a machine or two, just break up my day. Smile!1
I'll call up some friends and go out for lunch. I think that's a better Idea.
Besides I have already done over an hour of exercises. Planned to do another hour.
The one thing I won't do is more shopping. besides they only have senior discounts on Wednesday. Smile!!
I hope you all are having a good day.
The struggle to over come food addition is being won.
You are staying strong and committed to the change of healthy eating and getting fit.
That is the best thing you can do for yourself and those who love you.
Peace and Love,
Tisha

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SEATURTLE86
    On my goodness, I feel your pain. I hurt my knee (not as seriously as you) and I could not believe HOW much your knee affects EVERYTHING! I am so glad that you are going to go with the surgery. I think it will change your life.

    My husband has had arthritis in his hips since he was 17. He needed hip replacement for as long as we have been married but the doctors always told him to wait he was too young.
    He finally did get both hips replaced 10 years ago and he says it is the BEST thing he ever did. The quality of his life and OUR life has been so much better. Just to be rid of the pain is worth it. Dealing with PAIN is so hard on you and the people in your life. He can now walk and even RUN on his new hips. Now that we both look back it the time it took to have both surgeries and the recovery time seems like a small "blimp" in our lives. So worth it.
    I do pray that you will do great during the surgery and afterwards and get your life back and can do all the things you have dreams of doing. Just remember the advice my husbands doctor gave him. He said " you only have ONE chance to recover CORRECTLY" so do everything they tell you to do.
    Keep us updated on how things are going.
    ~Pam
    3698 days ago
  • KAMAPERRY
    Struggling not to cry as I read this, you sound so much like me with the workouts. I have to be patient with my physical therapy and it is so hard. I am so happy for you about the surgery, soon it will be all over, and you will be kicking butt and taking names!
    3699 days ago
  • CARLANNIE
    What a relief for you! You will soon be able to take charge of your body and make it perform the way you want it too - pain free! Sleep easy again tonight.
    3700 days ago
  • CURVYMEG
    Sending you some love and skinny vibes!

    Meghan
    3700 days ago
  • HERE2BTHIN
    By Christmas, You'll be "SMOKIN" as Jim Carry would say.......... emoticon emoticon


    Karrie
    emoticon
    3700 days ago
  • JILL313
    I'm so glad you have a date for your knee replacement. You are in such great shape you will be a "model" patient and everyone will be amazed at your speedy recovery. I'd love to go to Italy but your wise to postpone it until your able to walk around and see and do everything you want to do. It's tough having a new Dr. for your next replacement but like Karen said I'm sure he'll refer you to another excellent Dr. like he is. Good genes must run in your family as that is fantastic that your Mom is a healthy 85 year old. I hope your pain is bearable and you'll be able to do some exercises at the gym next week. Way to Go, Tisha!
    3700 days ago
  • MORTICIAADDAMS
    You will have the surgery over very soon and be in recovery!!
    3700 days ago
  • REXTINE1
    I wish you a quick recovery after the knee operation. Be sure to do exactly what the doctor tells you, and you should end up with a fully operational knee. I'm sure you will use good common sense with the exercise. Good luck!
    3700 days ago
  • SPEEDY143
    Oh, Italy is my dream vacation... did you know they have the same weather as we do here on the west coast so next spring will be cooler than our Indian summer's that ebb into fall. But the very best part of your story is that YOU will have two new strong knees to walk around on and a whole year to prepare for a trip of a life time emoticon I'm excited for you Tisha emoticon I know you will be packing your red high heels too... no, no, no buy an Italian pair while you're there emoticon

    emoticon Linda
    3701 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8480036
    I am happy you will be able to have the knee surgery. What a blessing it will be for you to be pain free in the knee. I know losing a trusted doctor is hard, but, hang in there. I am sure he will find you someone else he would trust. YOU have come a long way on your journey. Eating right will see you through the time you will not be exercising due to the surgery. YOU will do fine! How do I know? Because YOU are dedicated, motivated and you really are a WINNER! Have a joy filled day, Karen emoticon
    3701 days ago
  • AEBROWNSON
    Regarding your concern about not being able to exercise...by far the more important thing is watching what you eat. I think I read that weight loss is 80% food and 20% exercise...remember that if you are not exercising (as much), you can't eat as much. I recentlhy had my gall bladder out and couldn't exercise for a couple of weeks, and so I really tried to cut my food intake just a couple hundred calories a day, and I didn't gain. I didn't lose, either, but I hadn't really been losing prior to that, either emoticon
    Also, re: the knee replacement...you are a highly motivated person, so I would just bet that your recovery time will be minimal!!!
    3701 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/25/2011 3:32:17 PM
  • no profile photo DIASTER
    Am thrilled for you about getting the surgery done now. By this summer you will be ready to get going again with your walks etc. You are also right about getting a younger doc, they are up on all the latest techniques and tend to think of patients potential for recovery as regards to activities and sports not just to replace a knee so you can rock in a chair and occasionally go to the bathroom or walk around in the house. They see those muscles and know you have been working out so they want you to continue to shine.
    I worked in rehab for years, those therapists are going to love you and are going to push you to your full ability. What a wonderful upbeat blog today. Thanks
    3701 days ago
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