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Thursday, April 28, 2011

"Forget will-power; it's about WANT-power. How badly do you want it."
- George Comalli

I posted the above a week or so ago as a status. I referred to it again today. And now, here I am yet one more time.

I want it. I want it really badly. Like, a lot. LOT. But.. what is 'it' exactly? What am I working on, driving toward, striving for?

I've been tired lately. The last two weeks or so I've felt sapped of energy. I'm still mostly sticking to my fitness routines - Zumba and ST, and running. I'm mostly sticking to my nutrition plan, determined to stick to the lower end of my range - which plummetted to the lowest range in a year's time when I reset my weight-loss goal. My goal used to be to go from 285 to 165. Now it's to go from 225 to 170. Ok.

When I get tired, I tend to lose my goofy side and settle into an over-analytical state, picking apart every little thing. It is tedious. I'm beginning to recognize when I'm doing it, and I know I need to stop or change the process - and get more sleep!

So what do I want, really?

I want to lose weight.
You've lost weight.

I want to release even more weight.
How much more?
Down to 170.
Why not 165? That'll put you in the healthy BMI category.
Because 170 sounds more reasonable for some reason.

Ok, so you want to be a slacker and only get down to 170.

How are you going to get there?
Fitness and nutrition!
Then why did you skip running Thursday night and go out to dinner instead?
Because sometimes, there will be fish and chips.
True that.

I've been more consistent since then though.
Yes. You've been better about what you're eating. Good.

I want to figure out how to fit Kettlebells into the mix again.
Just do it.
Thank you, Nike. Care to tell me when?
What about on Sunday?
That's a rest day. Supposed to be, anyway.
How badly do you want it?
Point taken. Maybe I can do a session after I finish my Tues/Thur runs.
Today's Thursday.
I'm tired.
Ok. Kettlebell this evening after the run.

I want to run.
You already run.
Yes, but I want to run better.
Define 'better'?

I would really like to not be last again. Ever.
Sorry, no guarantee there.
I know.

You didn't go to track practice Tuesday.
I have a reason.
Same difference.

I was last, every lap, that first practice. I was the slowest person on that track last week. The workout increased (logically so) for this week and I knew I'd be last, again. Every time. I was last on Saturday, for the "easy" 3 mile trail run. I'm not as brave or determined as I seemed last week. I'm tired, and my ego is a bit more fragile this week than last.


I want to run, and I am.
I'm running a 13 min/mile more consistently. That's a big improvement over 16 m/m.
I'm concentrating on my form - but if I continue to run like a girl, well then that's alright. I AM a girl, I can run like one.
I still enjoy running. Even after the trail run whooped up on me big-time, when it was over, I thought I'd like to do it again. It's like childbirth maybe? You forget about the agony that you endured during the event, and somehow figure on doing it again another time would be a good idea. Nuts. Completely nuts.
I'm looking forward to running with the Tribe on Saturday. 7.5 miles, my longest distance yet, starting at OMSI and heading out Springwater Trail and back.

I'm not going to be a elite runner. I'm going to continue to be a recreational runner, and do it because I enjoy it. If it starts making me feel worse about myself, then it will no longer benefit me to do it.

I'm not in competition with anyone else but myself.
I'm running because I can.
I'm running because I want to.
I'm running because I had always secretly wanted to but never thought I could.
I can.
I am.

So if I don't go to track practice again (and I might, once I get over this grumpy, vulnerable patch) that's ok. It doesn't make me less. It makes me old and tired, and done and showered and eating dinner before they even START the workout.

I want it. A lot. I am willing to work for it. I have to find that balance, that point where I'm doing enough to continue to meet my goals, even exceeding and improving my efforts, but not so much that I wear myself out, physically or emotionally.

Time to get some rest and get my goof back. I prefer that attitude much more!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh, Candy! Your and my inner voice need to go out for drinks together! LOL! Your blog was so similar to some of the things I go through with myself it was scary!

    I just went through a similar funk last week. It's better now! I just kept pushing and didn't let myself feel guilty for the time I did take off or the ice cream sunday I ate. You need a few rest days too!

    Spark on my friend! We're gonna make those goals!
    3704 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8072637
    Not only did I enjoy your dialogue because it's real and raw and a bit humorous and relate-able, but it makes me realize that right now my own issues surrounding job and housing are causing me to NOT want it right now. When I was successful back in the fall, it was because I wanted it. Now, not enough to override my other issues.

    I think this is part of a necessary fleshing out process. It helps you figure out who you are, what you want, and what that all looks like in the course of a healthy lifestyle. There's nothing that says you have to continue something if you don't enjoy it and it's not meeting your needs. You obviously know that from what you've said in your blog, so now take that and run with it (no pun intended). This is a crucial part of your journey that will help you define what kind of runner you want to be. A year ago, did you ever imagine you'd be having a conversation about the logistics of a running program in your life? emoticon I wish you all the best as you continue to figure it all out. What a great problem to have! Hang in there hon! Here's to getting your goof on! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3706 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7466362
    As I see it, you've accelerated your running program. Of course you're tired! And with that comes all the other stuff (you mentioned in your conversation). Sleep it off, re-group, then back at "it", whatever that turns out to be. You'll find the balance.
    3706 days ago
    Holy cow that was a real dialogue. It does just boil down to one thing: How bad do we want it? From there it's just a matter of doing what we know is right. I've confidence you will figure it out and I'm so glad you are getting your rest.
    3707 days ago
  • GAYLEP67
    Dude... Ya, dude... C'mon! THIS is part of the journey and part of the new lifestyle. I don't believe the new lifestyle means never going out to eat in lieu of working out. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes LIFE happens! It does involve consistency and you have to admit that you probably ARE pretty consistent. I know it sucks to be last but that's now and that's with THIS group. It doesn't mean you'll always be there and if you are, you're still showing up and doing it which is so much more important. Now if it's demotivating you, that's a different story.

    Your funk and energy levels could be hormonal, seasonal, anything. Getting some rest is probably not a bad idea. Know that the negativity probably won't last for long and your RAWR will return.

    Hang in there buddy! emoticon

    3707 days ago
    Candy, you may be the slowest one on the track and you may be discouraged. It's tough enough that it makes you grumpy and rethinking. Please know that you are still faster than the version of you that is still sitting on the couch.
    I'm with you-yesterday I had several glasses of wine at my golf dinner and not one, but two homemade cupcakes from Easter. Owned it, not proud of it, but feel like I'm slipping. I'm realizing that running for distance is a fun challenge when there's 40 thousand people, but I'm not in love-so I'm backing off. I can't wait to start getting in the pool-think I like the idea of triathalon stuff better but don't know yet!!
    We've both been on about the same amount of time. I feel like I should be back to a size 0 like in my first year of college and able to kick a** in a advanced step class like in the old days. Why isn't my magical body appearing? Oh, yeah, because I had two beers while watching the Blackhawks game and I decided on having two servings of dessert-just because. :(
    Know that we are on the journey with you. It's your journey and it's discouraging when you're not where you think you should be. A 13 mile minute is nothing to sneeze at-fast enough to be a run!!!!!
    Now get some sleep-take a nap if you need to- and get back out there so you can become Candy!!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3707 days ago
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