"Forget will-power; it's about WANT-power. How badly do you want it."
- George Comalli
I posted the above a week or so ago as a status. I referred to it again today. And now, here I am yet one more time.
I want it. I want it really badly. Like, a lot. LOT. But.. what is 'it' exactly? What am I working on, driving toward, striving for?
I've been tired lately. The last two weeks or so I've felt sapped of energy. I'm still mostly sticking to my fitness routines - Zumba and ST, and running. I'm mostly sticking to my nutrition plan, determined to stick to the lower end of my range - which plummetted to the lowest range in a year's time when I reset my weight-loss goal. My goal used to be to go from 285 to 165. Now it's to go from 225 to 170. Ok.
When I get tired, I tend to lose my goofy side and settle into an over-analytical state, picking apart every little thing. It is tedious. I'm beginning to recognize when I'm doing it, and I know I need to stop or change the process - and get more sleep!
So what do I want, really?
I want to lose weight.
You've lost weight.
I want to release even more weight.
How much more?
Down to 170.
Why not 165? That'll put you in the healthy BMI category.
Because 170 sounds more reasonable for some reason.
Ok, so you want to be a slacker and only get down to 170.
How are you going to get there?
Fitness and nutrition!
Then why did you skip running Thursday night and go out to dinner instead?
Because sometimes, there will be fish and chips.
I've been more consistent since then though.
Yes. You've been better about what you're eating. Good.
I want to figure out how to fit Kettlebells into the mix again.
Just do it.
Thank you, Nike. Care to tell me when?
What about on Sunday?
That's a rest day. Supposed to be, anyway.
How badly do you want it?
Point taken. Maybe I can do a session after I finish my Tues/Thur runs.
Ok. Kettlebell this evening after the run.
I want to run.
You already run.
Yes, but I want to run better.
I would really like to not be last again. Ever.
Sorry, no guarantee there.
You didn't go to track practice Tuesday.
I have a reason.
I was last, every lap, that first practice. I was the slowest person on that track last week. The workout increased (logically so) for this week and I knew I'd be last, again. Every time. I was last on Saturday, for the "easy" 3 mile trail run. I'm not as brave or determined as I seemed last week. I'm tired, and my ego is a bit more fragile this week than last.
I want to run, and I am.
I'm running a 13 min/mile more consistently. That's a big improvement over 16 m/m.
I'm concentrating on my form - but if I continue to run like a girl, well then that's alright. I AM a girl, I can run like one.
I still enjoy running. Even after the trail run whooped up on me big-time, when it was over, I thought I'd like to do it again. It's like childbirth maybe? You forget about the agony that you endured during the event, and somehow figure on doing it again another time would be a good idea. Nuts. Completely nuts.
I'm looking forward to running with the Tribe on Saturday. 7.5 miles, my longest distance yet, starting at OMSI and heading out Springwater Trail and back.
I'm not going to be a elite runner. I'm going to continue to be a recreational runner, and do it because I enjoy it. If it starts making me feel worse about myself, then it will no longer benefit me to do it.
I'm not in competition with anyone else but myself.
I'm running because I can.
I'm running because I want to.
I'm running because I had always secretly wanted to but never thought I could.
So if I don't go to track practice again (and I might, once I get over this grumpy, vulnerable patch) that's ok. It doesn't make me less. It makes me old and tired, and done and showered and eating dinner before they even START the workout.
I want it. A lot. I am willing to work for it. I have to find that balance, that point where I'm doing enough to continue to meet my goals, even exceeding and improving my efforts, but not so much that I wear myself out, physically or emotionally.
Time to get some rest and get my goof back. I prefer that attitude much more!