Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Ok, so this is not really how I wanted to get everything out, but here goes. My husband and I have been having trouble. Finances, personal, kids.

Financial: the money coming in does not equal the money going out. And, I'm the main wage-earner now, a big shift from before. However, he still thinks he needs to spend, spend, spend! I can't tell him any different, he just goes and does.

Kids: are horrible. The oldes is bi-polar, though she's not been diagnosed. The middle is a whiner, no seriously, she whines over everything, even when she's just talking to you about something the least little bit worrisome. The youngest is very mean and wants to boss the others around. Which goes over horribly with the oldest who is a boss and bully and the middle who whines. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, it's just that everything is getting to me now and that's part of it.

Personal: ok, maybe a little too personal. In the past year, we've had sex like 4 times. Nothing in 2011. So, ok, we've talked, and he's all like "I dont' know what's going on, I'm just not interested." Ok, whatever, he's 41 now and I'm 33. We're both overweight. So, I come home yesterday and find out something I've suspected all along, he's sitting there masturbating to porn. He swears up and down he wasn't masturbating (I'm not totally against porn, but I think that in a marriage, you should watch together), but when he's adjusting his waistline when you walk in, and trying to cover himself where you can't see, what do you think is happening? Am I completely stupid? Does he think I'm completely stupid? We just celebrated our 10th anniversary, and nothing! I'm just so over being a slave and nothing else to him. I love him to death, and he swears up and down he loves me. I don't think he's cheated, yet. I don't think he will, I think he will leave before it happens. But, I still can't get over the fact that he doesn't touch me. We say "love you" daily, several times a day, but nothing physical. I need that!

So, now, I've gone from eating all the time when I'm a mess to not eating because I feel disgusting. I'm making myself eat lunch and drink water. That's all I've had the past two days. I just can't deal with all of this right now. Not with a job that doesn't appreciate the staff, a Girl Scout Troop I've been thrust into the Leader position since the Leader was recently diagnosed with MS, kids getting out of school soon and I have no idea how I'm paying for daycare for all three.

I do feel better after getting this out, but now, I don't know what to do!
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    3655 days ago
  • TIGGER2094
    I think he is diabetic. I have thought that for a while, his mom was, he doesn't eat right, etc. Also, he has high blood pressure. Of course, he refuses to go to the doctor or have me check his blood pressure or blood sugar. His cholesterol has to be elevated. There could be so much physically wrong with him. He also stays on the X-Box all the time, when he's not on the computer or in front of the tv. I know I've become guilty of playing on the computer constantly, and that's changing. We haven't fought since Tuesday, the kids have been a little better (or maybe I'm handling it differently, idk).
    3655 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9005788
    I'm sorry to hear that things are so hard on you right now. I have 3 kids who constantly find something to fight over so I understand what it's like to be the constant referee and it really grates on your nerves after a while. With your hubby, if he would just own up to it it would go a long way (I just busted mine with another woman so I know how upset you must be), maybe he is ill and has no energy but that's no excuse not to try. I know we didn't have sex all the time there would be a week or so in between and to be honest neither of us felt like starting something but if you force yourself to take that first step that attitude will change. You'll want to start things more often when you remember how much fun it is..... I know maybe TMI but that's what I've found. As far as not eating, I know you don't want to eat and I'm glad that you're forcing yourself into eating lunch but you still need to force yourself into a breakfast and dinner too so you don't end up sick.... The last thing you want is to wake up in the ER with an iv sticking in you and a doc having you on a 72 hour hold minimum until you get a full psych eval. trust me I was there when I was 13 and anorexic and it's not a pleasant experience. You need to take care of yourself, even if you don't feel like it. If you get mad or frustrated, take it out on your workout and feel free to work so hard you cry, I've done it and it feels better at the end. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you're tired, run down and emotionally drained just please don't hurt yourself in the process. Everyone has rough times just some are far more trying than others and I know you can pull through this, your a smart, strong and wonderful woman who can work hard for herself (you're here for you so that's a huge step and reaching out to us is another huge one!) and I know you'll be okay. If I can ever be of help, just drop me a line!
    3655 days ago
    You can get through this. Does your husband know how you feel? I know that with all that emotion, it is probably impossible to explain it to him without overwhelming him or attacking him. That is my problem, I let it build until I explode, and then he runs for cover or explodes back. Natural, I'm sure! I would suggest that you explain to him how you are feeling in a way that you have time to consider your wording and in a way that he won't feel that you are blaming him, but rather asking him for help in solving an issue. Maybe a letter, or a shared blog if he is a computer user too. My husband and I have been working through our issues by using a shared blog. I blog to him, he blogs back. It works for us. I hope you can find something that works for you.
    Another suggestion is that you separate sex from affection. I'm not saying that they aren't different for you already, but men don't think like we do. Explain to him how important casual touch, hugging, kissing is to you as symbols of his love and affection for you. If he has weight issues as well, the sex issues could be related to that (performance issues, anxiety) and it is hard to not take it personally, Perhaps you could take matters into your own hands (and out of his!) by setting up a romantic evening, and you could opt for the porn you think should be watched together after all.
    It is hard NOT to get into the blame game when things get quiet in a marriage. Just remember though that he may be struggling with it too and not know how to fix it either. Reach out and touch him, and maybe he will learn. I hope so!
    Sometimes with kids we have to stop and re-evaluate and figure out a new direction to go in. I would definitely discuss those issues with your husband as well, and come up with ideas on how to proceed together so you are on the same page. All kids are brats sometimes, though, I promise. Mine are!

    Take a deep breath or ten, and just know that you CAN get through this and that people do care. Keep blogging, keep reaching out. I'll be thinking of you. emoticon
    3656 days ago
    Hmmm, after a little thought on the matter I am wondering if he might be dealing with health issues that haven't been diagnosed. My husband and son are both diabetic and until they got it diagnosed and under control they both had physical and depression issues. In my husband's case that included his sex drive. If you are not well your energy level can be so low it can be very difficult to be interested in doing anything. We found out the hard way, with our son. He went into a diabetic comma for 4 days. We had the rest of the family tested and that is when we learned my husband was also diabetic. The doctor sent us to diabeties center to learn how to control it.
    3656 days ago
    You need to maintain the best attitude you can and I know that is hard. First thing is to decide what do you feel is the biggest problem. What has to be fixed NOW. Deal with that problem first. If you can't afford counseling and don't want to go to a church- hit the library. There are tons of good relationship help book out there that you can both read through together. (look online for reviews to help you find the best) There are even great book on tape which you can listen to together. Also hold a family meeting and explain that things need to change and they are going to over the next few months. Attack one problem at a time. Work together remember you are a partnership and you will not solve a problem alone - only together. Also I know you are angry and hurt but when you talk to one another try not to be too emotional or accusatory. Using "I feel" statements works well- it is how you feel- how you perceive things- sometimes it is not really what is happening. Also when you talk and he tells you something- reword it back to him so he knows you understand. For example he says "I feel overwhelmed in our daily lives" you reply with "I understand you feel overwhelmed and I am sorry for that- what overwhelms you the most and how can we together make that better." I have been where you are (with my own problems though) and it is a tough place to be. But you can get through it. Email me if you would like to talk or any more advice. I am on here all the time :)

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    3656 days ago
    Good Luck
    3656 days ago
    It is quite possible that your husband thinks he is helping you by not making any more demands on you because he knows you are stressed. He may also be dealing with some serious low self esteem issues himself. My husband started doing stuff like that to escape his depression. He was afraid to discuss it with me. He thought I was angry at him and that I didn't want him to touch me! emoticon He didn't realize that my frustration was from lack of attention, not from too much. If you can't open the doors of discussion between you than I would agree with Fairybridge that counseling may be necessary.
    We ended up banning pornography and romance novels(my escape) so that when we needed that kind of attention it couldn't be easily answered by fake attention.
    We also agreed to make dates to spend time together even if we didn't go any where or spend any money. Sometimes the time is spent discussing issues that need to be dealt with and sometimes it is spent on more romantic pursuits but either way we both feel that they help keep our family happier and running more smoothly. Even your children will learn to appreciate that when Mommy and Daddy have time to themselves they are happier and more fun to be around the rest of the time. A lot of the problems you are having with the girls may be stress over concerns about their Mom and Dad. Are they afraid that you are splitting up? Or is you frustration with each other making it hard for the girls to feel secure and happy? If so they probably don't know how to deal with their feeling. emoticon I hope this helps and I hope you and your family can find a way to make the road ahead smoother for all of you. emoticon
    3656 days ago
    If you can't afford to pay, there are services available through churches and other organizations (Crisis Counseling, etc. Google it!). there is someone for you to talk things out. Only you and your hubby can take charge and take control of the kids. If you don't do it soon, it's only going to get much worse! I speak from experience. I was married to a wimp and I was the disciplinarian. You can get through this. I'll be praying for you both!

    3657 days ago
  • TIGGER2094
    Unfortunately, I work for a small company with no benefits whatsoever :( Hopefully, my husband and I can work through this, but I'm not really holding my breath.
    3657 days ago
    First off, emoticon

    Secondly, does your work provide an Employee Assistance Program or any kind of benefit coverage for counselling? You have a lot of stuff to sort through and maybe even some tough decisions to make.

    I was married for 7 years to a guy who prefered porn/masturbation to the real thing so I know exactly how hurtful that is to your self esteem, regardless of your weight.

    Please speak to a professional. I am not recommending divorce, but if that is something you're thinking about, you will need more support than any of your friends or family will be able to give you. If you want to stay and work on all these issues, couple and/or family counselling may be the way to start making things better.
    3657 days ago
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