Tuesday, May 03, 2011
Ok, so this is not really how I wanted to get everything out, but here goes. My husband and I have been having trouble. Finances, personal, kids.
Financial: the money coming in does not equal the money going out. And, I'm the main wage-earner now, a big shift from before. However, he still thinks he needs to spend, spend, spend! I can't tell him any different, he just goes and does.
Kids: are horrible. The oldes is bi-polar, though she's not been diagnosed. The middle is a whiner, no seriously, she whines over everything, even when she's just talking to you about something the least little bit worrisome. The youngest is very mean and wants to boss the others around. Which goes over horribly with the oldest who is a boss and bully and the middle who whines. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, it's just that everything is getting to me now and that's part of it.
Personal: ok, maybe a little too personal. In the past year, we've had sex like 4 times. Nothing in 2011. So, ok, we've talked, and he's all like "I dont' know what's going on, I'm just not interested." Ok, whatever, he's 41 now and I'm 33. We're both overweight. So, I come home yesterday and find out something I've suspected all along, he's sitting there masturbating to porn. He swears up and down he wasn't masturbating (I'm not totally against porn, but I think that in a marriage, you should watch together), but when he's adjusting his waistline when you walk in, and trying to cover himself where you can't see, what do you think is happening? Am I completely stupid? Does he think I'm completely stupid? We just celebrated our 10th anniversary, and nothing! I'm just so over being a slave and nothing else to him. I love him to death, and he swears up and down he loves me. I don't think he's cheated, yet. I don't think he will, I think he will leave before it happens. But, I still can't get over the fact that he doesn't touch me. We say "love you" daily, several times a day, but nothing physical. I need that!
So, now, I've gone from eating all the time when I'm a mess to not eating because I feel disgusting. I'm making myself eat lunch and drink water. That's all I've had the past two days. I just can't deal with all of this right now. Not with a job that doesn't appreciate the staff, a Girl Scout Troop I've been thrust into the Leader position since the Leader was recently diagnosed with MS, kids getting out of school soon and I have no idea how I'm paying for daycare for all three.
I do feel better after getting this out, but now, I don't know what to do!