How I REALLY feel
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
People look at my pictures and comment on how well I have done. They say "You are beautiful", "You look like a different person", "Wow, you must feel so much better."
While each of these statements are great and they give me a rush when I read them I have to admit. I don't feel beautiful. I don't think I look any different. And yes, my health is better but I still feel dumpy and awkward. I don't know how to get myself out of this mindset. I try so hard to convince myself I am all of those things but it doesn't work. I look in the mirror and don't see the changes everyone else does. I can see it when I put pictures of myself next to each other but to see myself face to face in a mirror, that same feeling of self loathing is still there.
I know I have done well, with losing 106 pounds so far. I have gone down many sizes in my clothes and that's a great feeling. I have another 40 to 60 pounds to lose still yet and it seems like it's so out of my reach at this point. I exercise, I measure, I weigh, I eat healthy and the pounds slowly come off. And I feel no different.
Is there something wrong with me? Will I ever get past this feeling that what I am doing is not good enough? This eats at me every single day. Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt I will get down to the weight I need to be to be healthy again. It may take me a long time to accomplish this but it will happen because I refuse to give up on me.
Maybe this is just a funk I am in but if so, it's been going on for a very long time. I hate it.