This life of Mine is NOT going well...HELP!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
OK...this is pure emotion oozing from my heart!
I lost my job last week! It's taken this long for me to stop crying and TRY to examine WHAT I am doing wrong? I really liked working with these abused families but must admit, I didn't really "fit in" from the beginning. This little town I live in, is in the "DEEP SOUTH", so deep that there is actually a language barrier between me and the natives so I've gotten into the habit of nodding and smiling alot or politely asking, "what was that?", not understanding what the heck someone is saying. I am from California, from back in the 50-80's and I'm proud to say a very liberal state (at least back then) and I got a great education. This little town is...well how do I put this? I am in the minority...which I don't have any problem with, at ALL! But when you ARE the only member at your job of the white persuasion, it IS noticeable. What I have noticed is a "difference" within the actual race itself, I mean theirs now. People here tell me it's a "have and have not" mentality which I don't really understand but OK. Not being from here, I can't really understand it all BUT is this why I don't fit in?
I've been meditating twice a day, trying to find some kind of answers...am I putting out some kind of different "vibe" to these people or do I have some REALLY terrible Karma I'm paying back now? AND the weight? Forget about it! I'm the highest I've EVER been in my life, gaining another 6 lbs while working at the shelter (southerners DO eat a terrible diet though and I SWEAR I only tasted a couple of things). I am waiting to hear about my disability case, having x-rays and dr's appts this week. The ONLY income I have now is a drug testing study I volunteered for - how pathetic is THAT! Honestly, I hope I get some weird side effect that shortens my life considerably...someone HELP me see this differently...I REALLY need help! No health insurance means I can't get mental health help (needed MOST right now) and I can't afford to move to another country which I would in a heartbeat if possible. I know there are others facing the same mental anguish as I...please tell me what has helped you...I AM desperate!