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Monday, August 22, 2011

MaggieRoseBowl had a great blog today. Well, she often has great blogs! Check it out, here:

Her blog got me thinking, and I hope I don’t offend anyone with this train of thought, stream of consciousness thing going on here.

I am a fat girl. I may release the next 50-60 lbs eventually (please let me get rid of it, really) but even once it’s gone, I will still be a fat girl. I may not be fat physically, but in my mind, in my body, I will be. Are some of us who are overweight.. obese.. morbidly obese.. are we akin to alcoholics? Where, even if we kick our habit, we will always be that addict?

Now, I’m not saying I’m addicted to food. I believe I have control and choice over what goes in my mouth (isn’t that what an addict says?) and to that end, I have released the last 60-odd pounds. I have improved my health and my well-being, my shape and my form. But will I always be one bad decision away from gaining it all back?

Part of why I’m looking at things this way is the fact that for me it seems SO easy to gain or maintain weight. Why can I work hard, in earnest, for weeks, and have a bad day or two and I’m up X lbs? I know, I know, there are a variety of scientific reasons for that gain, anything from sodium to time of the month to amount of sleep to .. yea, I get it.

I’m not complaining about where I am right now. I’m actually starting to understand where I am right now.

I’m dealing with a fair amount of anger. I am internalizing my anger, I am rationalizing my anger, I am adopting the “X happened even after losing weight, so obviously it doesn’t matter if I lose or not, X happened and can happen again, regardless of what I lose” dangerous attitude. The only good thing about that is that I’m starting to recognize it. That’s good, right?

Name the enemy, and take away its power. Face it, and triumph.

I’m gaining right now. I’m eating very very poorly right now. I can keep it together at work, for breakfast and lunch, and for snacks. But once I get home it all goes to hell in a handbasket – and it’s an ugly handbasket, not even a pretty decorated one, it’s just trashy.

Oh, to clarify – Maggie’s blog did not bring me to these conclusions and last few paragraphs. I’ve been trying to figure out where my head is lately for a while now. I busted poor Teresa’s chops over drinking Coke (I’m still grateful you know it wasn’t meant meanly or spitefully) and yet I’m .. I’m out of control myself. It may not be Coke that’s doing it to me, but it’s food in general. It’s eating out. It’s making lousy choices. It’s hurting myself with food. It’s feel stuffed and uncomfortable, and going back to the cabinet to see what else I can put in my mouth to try and satisfy the taste memory that’s going on in there. It’s always easier to point that wagging finger outward than it is to curl it back and point it at yourself.

I’m angry and hurt and I have to figure out a way to deal with it. The logical part of my brain has a pretty good idea of what I need to do, but I’m not there yet. Swallowing the anger is not working, obviously. Because the more I swallow my emotions, the more I try to stuff it down and keep it in with food, food, some food, more food, maybe a bit more food, how about more food, and food.

That is not going to work. Not anymore.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BAM-MA
    You know, I sort of missed this blog while my computer was down, so I am late in commenting, but I hope you will see it anyway.

    I know exactly how you feel. I am sure that we all go through times like this. But... we HAVE come SO FAR..... I don't think that we can really go "back". I think that we have learned too much. This is a journey of Wellness... of body, mind and spirit.

    We WILL find a way through. Whether it be through sweating it out, therapy, talking to each other, or even journaling. Iknow that you WILL find a way through. You ARE STRONG!! Youa ARE an inspiration to others. (Me included)and We love you!
    3579 days ago
    While I am on vacation I been jeopardizing my efforts every dinner I eat. And even a lunch too! I been great with Breakfast and snacks and most lunches but the dinners and desserts! I don't normally have desserts but holidays and vacations seem to call for dessert.

    I believe I am a thin woman with a healthy appetite. That occasionally loses control. Care to joined me?

    Mind over matter. Okay Duck? Thin woman, healthy appetite.

    hugs, Anne
    3580 days ago
  • ROXIT22222
    All I can say is emoticon you've gotten some good advice here and I hope you have better days soon.
    3581 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1035627
    I agree with what you have stated here, and really don't have much to offer on it. I know that food will always be hard for me, yet I sit here giving people advice that say things like "Hang in there", and "Take it one step at a time" - as I have trouble not reaching for a Rice Krispy Treat (I actually want one right now, even though I have TONS of healthy stuff on my desk).

    HUGS, and Love - and know that you aren't the only one in this boat. I'm paddling along with you, and if there is even a slight hope we get where we want one day - then the paddling is worth it.
    3581 days ago
    You know, it's a funny thing. I had a family issue come up for the umpteenth time, and it almost broke me, as it usually does, and this time I sought out therapy. And what's been so funny about therapy is that I didn't realize that there were so many things in me -- feelings, memories, etc. -- related to so many different issues. Therapy has already helped immensely with my anger at some family members, and I'm working through other stuff. So, I found it helpful and therefore suggest it to you.

    Other than that, I'll simply say, whatever you feel, whatever you do, it's okay. I still think you're a rock star. Like you, I'll always be the fat girl, even if I'm thin. But that's okay, too. We are who we are.
    3581 days ago
    Oh, what a real blog, and yes .... you're facing it now, and therein lies the answer.

    I see you being so encouraging to so many people here - and I think it's time for YOU! Be encouraged, you're on your way. I read a couple of comments written by others and I agree with them - keep going, let it out, face the anger, work through this. I believe you can because you've already overcome so much (and maybe that first 60 was the easy part, and now you've come to the point of facing the emotional baggage - good, do it!).

    I believe you can get through this, and I'll be following your blogs, cheering you on.

    On a positive note ... while your eating after dark may suck, at least you're keeping to the plan for the rest of the day, still moving, still here. Thinking of you as you sort through this (((hugs))).
    3581 days ago
    Candy you have some very wise fiends. Regretfully, I don't have the eloquence of word that others have shared with you, but I will share my two cents. I understand your feelings. I've been having a bit of a struggle myself. I'm feeling good, thin, energetic, and food is such a form of socialization, celebration, etc. I've eaten unhealthy, and occasionally too much lately. I even went three days without exercising. The first two I was fretting with frustration, but by the third, I didn't want to exercise. Grrrr... that was the pits. For me, I think I am a food-a-holic, and I will always need to count calories and be aware. It is a small price to pay for my new body. Also, I've worked hard to identify emotions correctly, and explore the truth behind them. I agree that I will be a fat girl inside for a long time, but just as eating healthy has become a habit, thinking healthy is coming along towards being a habit as well. I encourage you to stop as you seek out food and identify the emotion and further the truth behind the emotion. It's painful and scary, but once faced, it can be dealt with. Go easy on yourself. You've come so far and with time you will arrive at your goal. The changes we've made have been hard work, at least for me, all the planning, thinking, and challenging myself has required a huge effort. I'm of the opinion it is ok to just coast for a while. When I'm on my bike, and I coast, returning to pedaling comes with renewed energy. I don't see why the same won't work for this health journey I'm on... You too!!
    3582 days ago
    I wish I had something to offer. I'm so beat down today that I can barely think. Your post and Maggie's post both hit home. I am afraid of what is to come, as I know I have stuff buried deep within, but because of you and others I know I can face it and beat it. I have thought that isn't carrying around the weight and shame for so long enough to heal. Why isn't it just as simple as eating healthy and exercising?

    I wish you much luck sorting out these emotions. You have come so far and you are such an inspiration...even when you are struggling and not perfect, you are still an inspiration. We're all here behind you if there's anything we can do.

    In the mean time, many
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3582 days ago
    I know those feelings SO very well. In fact, “X happened even after losing weight, so obviously it doesn’t matter if I lose or not, X happened and can happen again, regardless of what I lose” is EXACTLY why I gained all the weight back and more after I lost 60+ pounds in 2003. Which made me realize that having set up those expectations in the first place (I was going to "show him" that dammit I could lose weight and other people would find me attractive and THEN he'd start noticing me again) I totally set myself up for failure - because if he DID then it meant all his words about my weight not mattering to him had been a lie, and if he DIDN'T...then it was really just ME he didn't want anymore. Damned if I did, damned if I didn't. It took making this solely about ME and what *I* wanted (well that and getting rid of that toxic relationship) to finally get me to the point I could even think about trying again.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    You CAN do this! You are worth it!
    3582 days ago
    Holy Cow did this hit home with me when I read it this evening. I've been trying to swallow both anger and frustration from work and my personal life. emoticon And because it's sticking in my throat it's choking the happiness out of my life.

    Have I figured out how to fix it? Not completely............but I'm working on it. Will it be easy, no, but I can't give up.

    You are strong, feisty, awesome lady. Keep your chin up, be proud of what you've accomplished, and where your going to go.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3582 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8072637
    Oh honey! I'm sorry to hear that you are battling these demons, but it sounds like you may be on the brink of revelation here. I believe you are at a tipping point with the anger, and your last line gives me hope. Dr. Phil always asks people who are in the middle of some dysfunctional behavior, "So how's that working for ya?" You've already recognized that it's not working for you, and that's half the battle! It's those darned emotions that make it hard to do what you know you need to do, so the key is to work on developing tools that can help explore the emotions. They have to come out someway, somehow; otherwise we wear them on our body (and in our body...I believe all that negative energy causes aches, pains, and illness). I have no idea if you keep a private journal in real life or not, but that might be a good start if you don't already keep one. Write it out and go back and look at it later on to see if you can find clues to help you develop a strategy for dealing with all of this. ALL of your success thus far has come from having a positive attitude, developing a strategy, and powering through! You CAN do this with the anger and the other emotional stuff; it will just take time. I'm quite an emotional person and I know I have to be VERY intentional about working on my emotional life in order to feel good. Otherwise, I eat my way into numbness at night so I don't have to deal with myself and my emotions. Please know that I am here for you if you need to talk privately. I love ya honey and I want only the best for you. emoticon emoticon emoticon Christine
    3582 days ago

    Truer words have never been written/spoken: "Name the enemy, and take away its power. Face it, and triumph". A very courageous woman spoke those words - I think you know her. You are a strong woman -you have accomplished a lot. You will accomplish even more with every step you take.

    I wish I had some magic words to make this resolve for you. (kind of like the magic pills we hoped for when we weren't eating properly or exercising). But I can say this--I am proud to call you my friend and will do anything I can to help you realize each and every goal you take on. And I know I will get the same from you. And this is from two women who have never met??? Pretty dang special if you ask me.

    Conquer your demons - slay your dragons.. and keep moving forward - do WHATEVER it takes, and NEVER quit! This is our life journey - LIVE IT and own it.

    ~Irish (aka The Incredible Shrinking Mom)

    August Mantra:

    "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all" - Helen Keller

    3582 days ago
    Oh Candy, I wish I had some words of wisdom, again, but I've been so off my track lately I don't even know what to say. Most of my adult life I was pretty thin and I still see me that way, until I look in the mirror. I have yet to delve into the psychological reasons why we look in that mirror and not see what is really there, a human being, with faults and perfections blended together. I do know I'm too old to take much of it seriously anymore.
    3582 days ago
    I was in a food recovery group for about a year and a half I think; we worked on the emotional and spiritual stuff behind our overeating. What you wrote here feels so familiar. The stuffing the feelings in, the hurting myself with food, the pacing back to the cupboard.

    Candy, this may sound bizarre, but this is actually a good place to be. You are totally able to say what you're feeling. Those feelings are not being stuffed in at least the same as you used to.

    With how angry you sound, it sounds like a big fight is coming, and you might want it to be a supervised fight. A counselor, psychologist, pastor to help you fight through what needs to be said and to help find a path that may lead to real healing.

    I cannot overemphasize the fruits that I've gained from working through the junk I was carrying. Bitterness, resentment, brokeness, overwhelmed, critical were all so common for me. Working through that junk plus learning how to care for this body of mine has transformed me. I want that for you.
    3582 days ago
    I'm not really sure I can give much advice to you. What I can offer you is an ear to listen anytime you want to talk it out more. For me, writing it down and reading what I wrote sometimes really helps. I hope you find your answer soon and can let go of the anger.

    Take care of yourself my friend! I'm here for you!
    3582 days ago
    3582 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6896537
    You know sweetie, you said to me one time "My problem is I've become content where I am." And I think that speaks volumes for both of us.

    We were the REALLY fat girls before we started Spark. Now we may not be REALLY fat; but we're still overweight; still heavy. BUT much thinner than we were and certainly much healthier than we were. And it feels GOOD! You and I are mirroring each other in so many ways. We've been stuck for months; yet not really gaining. The few lbs here and there. They go up; they go down. Over and over again.

    For now I think we're enjoying the fruits of our labor of the past 12 months. And knowing that we can splurge (see my dinner tonight) and while it may seem like you're out of control, you know you're not. Even though it seems like you're stuffing yourself at night, think about what you were eating 2 years ago.

    But knowing we're not 100% on track brings on guilt. The bottom line is we have to learn to LIVE with this new lifestyle. And that means good days; with awesome runs and great nutrients. Other days watching movie marathons and drinking too many cokes.

    But as long as the good days are still out numbering the bad ones; don't beat yourself up too much. You're in control. Yeah, like an alcoholic you're (me-we) ALWAYS going to have to be aware of "calories in; calories out" but we've learned alot. We know where that line in the sand is and I don't believe for a minute we'll ever cross it again.

    We're a year older; we have less weight to lose; our bodies have adjusted. So it's harder to lose. But as long as we're not going back up on a regular basis.....sit back and enjoy life. This is what you worked so hard for last year. Those last pounds will take care of themselves sooner or later.

    For now, be happy. You've earned it! You look great and you're healthier than you've been in a long time.

    You're right where you should be right now Candy. And you've never looked happier!!

    3582 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10649139
    It's not exactly like being drug or alcohol addicted. It can't be, because we can't say, "I just won't have food anymore". If it were that easy I would quit it like I quit smoking. And, I've noticed, that people aren't as tolerant or considerate when it comes to my food demons as they are to my Dad and his alcohol. (He's been sober 30 years this month, but still battles diabetes because of his food addiction.) Why people insist that one is a disease and the other is a matter of self control is beyond me.

    I am an addict. I know this, because I can overeat good food just like I can overeat junk. Because I'm looking for something to make me feel "better".

    Good luck coming out of your rut. Let me know if I can help in any way.
    3582 days ago
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