WHEW!! That was a CLOSE one!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
As some of you noticed on my status update yesterday, Tuesday was not a fabulous day for me. I don't have a real reason, it was cloudy and rainy and I guess it just got to me. I was "PMS-ey". And I was STARVING, all day. I didn't even track my dinner last night, because with mini-wheat snacks and TWO veggie burgers, I was pretty sure I went over.
So today, I went back and tracked it because I have made a committment...I'm a part of this team, this is our weekly challenge, and even if I went over calories, I still get credit for tracking. So I tracked. And even with my little bit of emotional eating, I was WITHIN my calorie limit!!!!!!!! Because I didn't have a snickers bar, and opted for mini-wheats with strawberry filling instead, I didn't go over!!!!! That was the best feeling in the world...I can actually live, and not destroy all my progress. Awesome. :o)
Second...I've been giving some thought to my goal weight. Currently, I have it set to 145lbs, which is the low end of the healthy range for someone who is 5'9". It's what I weighed in high school, at my lowest. But a dear friend pointed out to me that a) when I weighed 145, I did not look healthy, because my hip bones protruded terribly...I have wide hips, and that was before my kids were born, they're wider now! And b) I'm almost 36 years old. And maybe my body can't and SHOULDN'T go that low again. Maybe there's a more reasonable goal.
At first, I ignored this advice. It seemed like taking the easy way out, to me. After all, I have declared October 9th National Fall Back a Year Day, so I'm not ALMOST FORTY...I'm going to be...um...24 again this year! You know, I've been saying that so long, I have actually begun to believe it. Maybe in part because mentally I still FEEL like I'm in my early twenties. But my friend is right...I'm *not*, and it's time to face that. My body is not 24. It can't bounce back like it used to. And I have Chiari Malformation, and it's got active symptoms now, which it didn't when I was in my mid-twenties. It's really time to face the facts that my body needs me to cut it some damn slack!
Which doesn't mean I let myself be fat. But it does mean that maybe I don't need the body of a 16 year old to be happy with myself. I was down to 170lbs last time I lost weight, and I hadn't exercised so it wasn't toned....and I was happy. I would have liked to tone it, but I was never ashamed of myself. I fit comfortably into 14's and honestly as a grown adult, 11/12's have been the smallest size I've ever been in...my legs are too long, my hip bones too wide, for anything else. I could wear sleeveless shirts, wear shirts that came closer to the body, and I felt not just ok but proud of myself. I wasn't ashamed to look in a mirror, get in front of a camera. I was really just....very happy!!
So I'm thinking of changing my goal weight from 145lbs to 170 or 175lbs. Not because I'm giving up on myself, because hell...I'm still 240 right now, y'all, I still have a path ahead of me! LOL! But because I deserve to not push myself to an unrealistic body weight because it's what society wants to see. I'm almost 40, not almost 25. It's ok for me to look like it. Seriously.