CBAILEYC
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Downs..

Sunday, October 02, 2011

I'm very happy about the arrival of Ms. Poppy (I think I'll call her Ms. all her life, I don't know. I called her Bump before she was, born, but that's another story..) so I wanted to document that separately. Overall, this has been an emotional weekend from h*ll and I didn't want to taint the goodness, pure beauty and love that is a new baby, with my issues.

I'm honest with you all, by extension of being honest with myself. I don't always share everything though, and that's simply the nature of living your life privately and only allowing glimpses at the bigger, more general picture.

I think things have been building up lately, moreso than usual. There are always stresses and issues and ups and downs in life. For whatever reason, it's all built up and spilled over Saturday morning.

I'm registered to run the Girlfriend's Half Marathon on October. 16. I'm registered. I've been training half-heartedly. I was supposed to run 7 with the Galloway group Saturday morning, and wrap up with an extra 3 to 5 on my own, since last weekend's run of 14 miles was a failure. Why? My legs were hurting, my right shin was aching, and to top it all off, I got stung by a bee, on my ankle, between the tongue of my shoe and my ankle. Sigh. It just was not meant to be. I may have been able to continue on if it weren't for the fact that the floodgate of tears opened up. I cried all the way back to my car because.. well, just because. It didn't hurt that badly, but it did sting, and I was just a mess.

I'm not overtrained for that Half. If anything, I'm undertrained. My head though. My head and my heart simply are not in it. I don't have the excited anticipation that I had with the Foot Traffic Flat Half in July. I have a senses of blahs. Not quite dread, but nothing really positive. Well, that's not entirely true. There are other Sparkers and friends who are doing the Girlfriends, so I think that makes it a cool event, from a personal standpoint. But from a running standpoint? Nope. Just not feeling it. I feel like I've paid for it, so I should at least show up and make the attempt. I may feel better emotionally between now and then. It could happen. Or I could feel worse, and totally avoid the event all together. I don't know yet. I just don't.

Yesterday, all that not knowing came pouring out. As I got ready to leave to meet up with the Tribe, I paused and told Bill that my head and my heart just aren't in it. Then I fell apart. More waterworks, more sobbing, more... emotional wreckage. He gave me permission not to go if I didn't feel it (not that I needed permission, or maybe I did need someone to say 'it's ok'..) so I stood in the kitchen crying my heart out for a half hour. Then I went a little sideways, and got out of my running capris and changed into jeans. I asked Bill to help me harness up the puppies, and to drive us out to the Gorge.

I've been wanting to go to the Gorge, to see our waterfalls, all summer. We just never took the time to do it. I love reading Roxxxit's blogs about her hikes, and the pictures she shares, because I WANT to do those things. I don't feel like I have time to do them though because I'm running on Saturday mornings, then playing catch-up the rest of the weekend with chores and errands.. or by sitting watching every episode of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix and not stirring off the love seat except for going potty and to eat everything in the snack cabinet. Yea, I did that last Friday and Sunday. Nice, huh?

So he got himself together, we got the girls in their harnesses, and got in the car. It's a short drive out to the Gorge, and we stopped often to let the girls out to potty and stretch their legs. One of the main waterfalls I wanted to visit was Bridal Veil falls. I've only been there once before, years ago. Like 5 years ago. At that time, I was able to walk down to the water, but could not walk up a series of steps to the platform to view the falls. It was too much for me. Walking back up to the parking area was too much for me, then, too. I had to stop several times along the way up stairs and the inclined paths.

This time? We made it all the way down to the platform.




It was beautiful, and it was good. This is not to say that I didn't cry 60% of the trip out to the Gorge, or along the way down to the falls. Or during the rest of the trip. I did. We spent 3 hours driving through the Gorge, stopping at falls, walking the girls, simply being outside. I knew enough that if I stayed in the house, I'd end up staring at the tv all day, or curled up in bed all day. I didn't want to give in to that completely.

After our getaway, we then did a little bit of errand running. I didn't realize until we were done and home for the day how horrible I looked. I hadn't put on make up, my eyes were swollen, my face was blotchy, I must have looked as bad as I felt. I don't normally go out in public looking horrible if I can avoid it. I'm vain enough to want to look at least presentable, and I simply didn't.

What I did do was eat a bag and a half of potato chips for dinner. Lovely, eh? Whatever. I logged it. I mean, really? What's the point of logging it? So I can say I did? So I can claim it and be righteous and say I'm starting over? I don't know if I am. I'm not out of this funk. I'm not crying as much today, but there are tears. There's also a plan.

I've mapped out how far it is to run a while from my office, along the waterfront. I know the distance. I know approx. how long it'll take. I don't know how my legs/muscles/shins will react. I don't know if I'll be able to run it, or if I'll be walking it. I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't.

Maybe I'll run. Maybe I'll cry my way along. Maybe I'll have some revelation, some epiphany, some resolve. Or maybe I'll give up, come home, and turn on Grey's Anatomy and use that as an excuse to cry some more. I'm a mess guys, and while I love supporting you and cheering you on - and I appreciate the fact that you do the same for me - right now I don't even know if I can do it for myself, and I know no one else can do it for me. But I'm trying.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MILLY61
    I have been busy and have not managed to get to Spark for a week or so and so I have only just read your blog.
    Wow, you are so honest and so reflective about yourself. I admire that.
    And you know how to take care of yourself too, you knew that staying home would make you feel so much worse and your spirit cried out to be in the fresh air, experiencing the natural world...that is so healing.
    If running, is causing stress, is it the right thing to do? If the fact that you're not inspired to run this time is making you feel lacking in some way, is that ok? Is it ok to be telling yourself that you're failing at something?
    Run if it feels good and right..........hike if it feels good and right........whatever you do is right and you are wonderful.
    Be happy Candy xxxxxx
    3548 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8532529
    Candy...sorry you are feeling down. And you truly are such a great friend to all of us! I agree with the others, sounds like you need some rest and I think going to the waterfalls was a great choice. Sometimes it gets really hard just how much time getting into shape takes. And then add to that the aches and pains that go with it, it can be very discouragaing. Sounds like maybe things are out of balance, which is so easy to do. The highlight in all of it is though...you've made remarkable progress...I'm sure you made it back to the parking lot with incredible ease, compared with five years ago. Time to celebrate the little and not so little victories!!! My heart is with you as you work through this. Lots of love...Robin
    3551 days ago
  • WALKAWAY
    Candy,

    I hope that your feeling better today. Wish I knew what to do to help, but all I can do is send emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon and more emoticon 's. I truly believe that every now and then you just have to have a good old fashion cry (and I usually eat my way through the kitchen too.) I get really emotional at times and my DH just gives me that look like emoticon (like really?????) I let too much "stuff" weigh me down, usually other peoples "stuff", try to be too much of a people pleaser and make everyone but me happy. Sunday I made a point of sitting outside and soaking up the sun between loads of laundry, etc. Felt good.

    Hang in there. You've got so much to be proud of don't forget that.

    Addie
    3551 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1035627
    I'm so sorry to hear this. I wish I could make it all go away, but I can't. I think a good rest might really help - listen to your body. HUGS
    3551 days ago
  • KIMSPDX
    Huge hugs to you. And thank you for sharing your downs as well as your ups. I don't have any words of wisdom. Just wanted to tell you I hear you.
    3551 days ago
  • OTTERBEME
    Candy.... First of all I need you to know how much of an extra super-duper special friend you are to me and so many others!
    emoticon
    You have picked me up so many times when I've been down and I appreciate it so very much. I think it's this honesty that makes you even more special, to let us know you are human like the rest of us. We all fall into these ruts once in a while and need support to drag us out. I wish I was near you so you could take me to see those "BEAUTIFUL" falls and go hiking in the fresh air. I think everyone could use the fresh air once in a while to clean out our lungs, minds, souls, spirits, ect....
    emoticon
    I hope you are feeling a bit better today, but if not - meh - take the time for yourself! Sit and watch Grey's, cry if you need to! We all need "ME" time to reset our minds and search for what we are truly missing to make us feel better. Maybe, like everyone is mentioning, you need to take a break from the "races" and the "tribe runs" and just do some fun running. Maybe you could try something new!?!?!

    I bet seeing that beautiful "Ms." of yours at the end of the month will be extra special. Look forward to that time to rejuvenate!!!
    emoticon
    It also sounds like you have a great hubby by your side! And those two furbabies of yours...... sosososo CUTE!

    Sending BIG HUGS your way!!!

    Lori
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3551 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6896537
    Awwww honey.....my heart just broke reading this blog. I just want to make it all ok for you.

    I don't know what is the right thing to do but I do know this; if running is creating that kind of stress in your right now, maybe it's time to put it to the side and just do it for fun. Forget the runs; the races; the Tribe. And just let it be about you and the pavement. It sounds like you and Bill had a wonderful time out and about with the girls and congrats for making it up the falls!! I know that success is incredibly rewarding.

    But I personally think your heart has been missing those kind of things and perhaps that's why your having a hard time. If you're focusing all your attention on running and not enjoying life.....maybe it's time to change course for a little while.

    What's the point of getting healthy if you can't enjoy it??

    I know that you'll find it in you Candy. I know that this time will pass and you'll move forward stronger than ever before. BUT don't beat yourself up for how you're feeling now. We all go through the valley; there's nothing wrong with that. Unless you stay there. So allow yourself this time. IT'S OK! You have the tools and the skills to wallow in it for a time and then you'll have the strength to pull yourself out of it. I know you will.

    XOXOXO

    3552 days ago
  • GETFIT2LIVE
    emoticon

    Running and especially running races should be FUN. When it stops being fun, it's time to do what you did, STOP and go do something you really want to do. Leave the running behind and do something else for awhile that brings you joy, like going for a walk with the dogs, dancing around the house, or whatever does it for you. I hope the funk lifts soon for you; take good care of yourself and do what you need to for yourself. You're worth the effort.
    3552 days ago
  • IRISHBEANERGAL
    I'm saving (most of) my comments for an email I'm composing for you. Just know that you are appreciated, and most importantly - strong and courageous for being so honest.

    Look for my email. In the meantime, big (((HUGS))) to you ... and to Bill for being the support you need right now.

    ~Irish
    3552 days ago
  • IMIN2GENES
    Oh, my dear friend! I'm so sorry you're in such a funk right now. I'm with Bill though... it's okay not to do the Girlfriends half. If it's making you feel like this then you're heart isn't in it and it just isn't worth forcing yourself to do it. It's just not worth it when you're not 100%, full on, full heart into it. Give yourself a chance to recover so your feet and shins don't hurt. Sit down and listen in the quiet. Your heart will tell you what it wants to hear. You have accomplished so much and done so well. You know you can do it.

    I was so glad to read that you went hiking to the falls. That sounds like a really good soul food kind of day. You said it yourself, the last time you were there you couldn't do what you did on this trip. Be proud of that. Those pics were beautiful! Your pups are quite cute! DH isn't too bad either... LOL!

    Hang in there my friend! Don't give up on yourself, 'cause I'm sure not going to give up on you! You are worth it!
    Chris
    emoticon
    3552 days ago
  • DDESERTDDAWN
    I'm not a runner. Not even near. But you've been an inspiration to me in your honesty. so thank you!

    Sounds like you need a good cry! Go for it, blotchy and all. I love what was said about sweat and tears looking a lot alike. Go for it. Cry and don't fear what needs coming out. Ad what needs calming.

    thanks for the honesty and the perserverence and the reminder that being healthy is about enjoying and being part of life! Even if that means crying into a beautiful waterfall.

    cheers for tears,
    dDawn emoticon
    3552 days ago
  • JOELLEY23
    i'm sorry you're in such a funk. i know how difficult those can be. all i can really say is that it won't last forever, and in the end you'll be stronger when you come out the other side of it. also, if your not up to your half-marathon, don't do it. i would hate for you to kill your love of running because you forced yourself into it when you weren't mentally up for it. emoticon i hope you feel better. also, bees suck, i would have cried too.
    3552 days ago
  • NEWHORIZONSR4ME
    Hi Candy~ I'm sorry you are having a rough patch. I know you worked really hard to get where you are and that you don't want to go back to where you were. I don't have any wise words for you, but I wish I did. Staying fit and healthy takes time, commitment, and determination. If you want to stay fit you need to work at it. There is no alternative. Myself, I've lost a lot of the "high" feeling of the journey and am kinda just dragging along. It takes a lot of self-talk to get on my bike, but once I'm on it, I have a great time. I guess the honeymoon is over, and it's onto the hard work of doing this for the rest of my life! On another note, I owe you a HUGE THANKS for posting about all your running experience. I started the Rookie C25K in August and haven't exactly kept up with it, but I'm doing my own thing and I'm getting stronger all the time. I totally credit you and your enthusiasm for piquing my curiousity about running and "could I really run?" I love it. My favorite time to run is around dinner time to sunset which is really weird because generally I like to exercise early in the day. Anyhow, I hope your funk passes and that you learn what is triggering your emotions so much. Until then wear some tighter pants as a reminder not to eat too much. It works for me!
    3552 days ago
  • BIGMAMAT
    My precious sparkfriend. emoticon it must have been the week for melt downs, or maybe you felt my pain all the way across the country which lead to your melt down or visa versa.
    At any rate, we are not to be stopped. We are sparkers afterall. Sending love across the miles. Tricia emoticon
    3552 days ago
  • NUTSNUTSGETEM
    Sorry you are having a s%&^y couple of weeks. You're entitled to feel the way you do.

    Maybe if you look at the girlfriends half as a long training run/walk for the next big thing, that will help. Going in just to finish - not to PR. Going in to run a little, walk a little. You know, sweat can look a lot like tears. So, if you're still feeling down, you can cry, and no one will be able to tell.

    Next time though, cut back to just a bag of chips instead of a bad and a half - there's always room for improvement!

    Congratulations on becoming an Aunt again!
    3552 days ago
  • TURTLERASKIN
    Candy, first of all, I think you're terrific, not just for how inspirational you are, but also because you're being so honest here. You're definitely going through the wars right now, and I wish there were something I could do to help. I also track my bad stuff, because it's a habit now to track and also I don't want to pretend I didn't do it. I got where I am in life, in many different aspects of life, by lying to myself (or at least not being totally honest).

    Hang in there. The funk will pass. Maybe you just need a couple weeks off, and then a rededication. All I know is that you're a terrific person, no matter what, and I'm behind you.
    3552 days ago
  • TRILLIUM22
    Candy, no matter what your exercise is you have to have time to enjoy your new fitness. You can't push, push, push. Your hike is proof positive that you have gotten more fit. If you are doing tough "exercise days" without activities that you enjoy you will emotionally and mentally burnout. Give yourself a break to just enjoy.
    3552 days ago
  • no profile photo CD557571
    Sometimes life just catches up with us and our crazy ideas and patterns. Take a couple days off, or toned down, and try to get some extra rest the next few nights.

    Sounds like your visit to the Gorge was fabulous, and what a realization that you can now do things that not very long ago, you couldn't. There are successes to find and celebrate, even on our lowest days.

    Hope you feel better soon.
    3552 days ago
  • ROXIT22222
    Candy what a blog! I've always appreciated you cheering me on, it's gotten me through some tuff spots. I'm glad I've inspired you to come out and see my 'gym' it's soo pretty right now. Funny is the Bridle Vail falls is one we haven't done during this time. I hate that road down with all the loose pea gravel.

    You've inspired me to want to run more, or not be afraid to run more. I am thinking of doing the Hot Butter Run Thanksgiving weekend and I hope you will be feeling more like doing it then too.

    It sounds like it could be burn out. Having pushed so hard on one actiite that you are now 'board' with it. To be honest I'm kind of boared of my gorge hikes. I'm actually looking forward to a month of gym work out with some hikes on weekends.

    It's ok to cry and be frustrated. You did great with getting out and still doing something, by not staying on the couch and watching tv all day you won the fight!

    You will get through this. It's also hard because of the weather change, with so little summer this year it's hard to see that forcast with all the rain. Interesting as I'm writing about this my husband is on the phone talking to his brother about the winter blahs!! So it's already starting....


    3552 days ago
  • SUSUSUZZZIE
    Candy, you brought tears to my eyes too. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way and I wish I could give you a hug and cry with you in person. LOL! I think it is awesome that you took the opportunity to go for a drive and see the falls. And awesome that you were able to do something you couldn't do last time. I think being out in nature is super-good for the soul. So even if it didn't cure your woes, I'm sure it helped.

    I track my bad stuff because I feel like it makes me own it and take responsibility for it. I'm afraid if I didn't track it, I would let that open the door to eating more chips and cheetos and not tracking and I don't want to go there. So good for you!

    Keep listening to your body and take care of it and your heart and soul. I hope you find a way out of the funk really soon! Wishing you a marvelous Sunday! (Even if you cry some more).

    By the way, as much as it makes me sad to hear about your crying, I understand. I'm a crier too. Sometimes I think we just got to let it out. Hope you feel better soon!

    3552 days ago
  • DARK_CINDERELLA
    While you are right in saying no one can pull you up but you, I want to reiterate that you have friends here. Amazingly enough, just as GAYEMC said, there's a funk in the air. We feel you. We care. We love you, even if it's just over the interwebs. We support you. And whatever is in our power, we will be for you. I won't tell you to "chin up" or things will get better. I don't know that. What I know, though, is you are not alone.
    3552 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/2/2011 2:55:51 PM
  • AUNTKITTY
    Oh my goodness - you need a rest. It sounds like your tear ducts are just trying to tell you something - and maybe it's that - RIGHT NOW - you don't need to be running/pushing so hard. Maybe you just need to go to that beautiful gorge and just BE yourself?

    Whatever it is, try to listen, and you'll get through it.
    3552 days ago
  • GAYEMC
    Oh Candy, you just brought tears to my eyes. I had a melt down Tuesday and had to take the rest of teh week off. There must be something in the air, or is it just the clouds. Poppy is beautiful!
    3552 days ago
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