I'm very happy about the arrival of Ms. Poppy (I think I'll call her Ms. all her life, I don't know. I called her Bump before she was, born, but that's another story..) so I wanted to document that separately. Overall, this has been an emotional weekend from h*ll and I didn't want to taint the goodness, pure beauty and love that is a new baby, with my issues.
I'm honest with you all, by extension of being honest with myself. I don't always share everything though, and that's simply the nature of living your life privately and only allowing glimpses at the bigger, more general picture.
I think things have been building up lately, moreso than usual. There are always stresses and issues and ups and downs in life. For whatever reason, it's all built up and spilled over Saturday morning.
I'm registered to run the Girlfriend's Half Marathon on October. 16. I'm registered. I've been training half-heartedly. I was supposed to run 7 with the Galloway group Saturday morning, and wrap up with an extra 3 to 5 on my own, since last weekend's run of 14 miles was a failure. Why? My legs were hurting, my right shin was aching, and to top it all off, I got stung by a bee, on my ankle, between the tongue of my shoe and my ankle. Sigh. It just was not meant to be. I may have been able to continue on if it weren't for the fact that the floodgate of tears opened up. I cried all the way back to my car because.. well, just because. It didn't hurt that badly, but it did sting, and I was just a mess.
I'm not overtrained for that Half. If anything, I'm undertrained. My head though. My head and my heart simply are not in it. I don't have the excited anticipation that I had with the Foot Traffic Flat Half in July. I have a senses of blahs. Not quite dread, but nothing really positive. Well, that's not entirely true. There are other Sparkers and friends who are doing the Girlfriends, so I think that makes it a cool event, from a personal standpoint. But from a running standpoint? Nope. Just not feeling it. I feel like I've paid for it, so I should at least show up and make the attempt. I may feel better emotionally between now and then. It could happen. Or I could feel worse, and totally avoid the event all together. I don't know yet. I just don't.
Yesterday, all that not knowing came pouring out. As I got ready to leave to meet up with the Tribe, I paused and told Bill that my head and my heart just aren't in it. Then I fell apart. More waterworks, more sobbing, more... emotional wreckage. He gave me permission not to go if I didn't feel it (not that I needed permission, or maybe I did need someone to say 'it's ok'..) so I stood in the kitchen crying my heart out for a half hour. Then I went a little sideways, and got out of my running capris and changed into jeans. I asked Bill to help me harness up the puppies, and to drive us out to the Gorge.
I've been wanting to go to the Gorge, to see our waterfalls, all summer. We just never took the time to do it. I love reading Roxxxit's blogs about her hikes, and the pictures she shares, because I WANT to do those things. I don't feel like I have time to do them though because I'm running on Saturday mornings, then playing catch-up the rest of the weekend with chores and errands.. or by sitting watching every episode of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix and not stirring off the love seat except for going potty and to eat everything in the snack cabinet. Yea, I did that last Friday and Sunday. Nice, huh?
So he got himself together, we got the girls in their harnesses, and got in the car. It's a short drive out to the Gorge, and we stopped often to let the girls out to potty and stretch their legs. One of the main waterfalls I wanted to visit was Bridal Veil falls. I've only been there once before, years ago. Like 5 years ago. At that time, I was able to walk down to the water, but could not walk up a series of steps to the platform to view the falls. It was too much for me. Walking back up to the parking area was too much for me, then, too. I had to stop several times along the way up stairs and the inclined paths.
This time? We made it all the way down to the platform.
It was beautiful, and it was good. This is not to say that I didn't cry 60% of the trip out to the Gorge, or along the way down to the falls. Or during the rest of the trip. I did. We spent 3 hours driving through the Gorge, stopping at falls, walking the girls, simply being outside. I knew enough that if I stayed in the house, I'd end up staring at the tv all day, or curled up in bed all day. I didn't want to give in to that completely.
After our getaway, we then did a little bit of errand running. I didn't realize until we were done and home for the day how horrible I looked. I hadn't put on make up, my eyes were swollen, my face was blotchy, I must have looked as bad as I felt. I don't normally go out in public looking horrible if I can avoid it. I'm vain enough to want to look at least presentable, and I simply didn't.
What I did do was eat a bag and a half of potato chips for dinner. Lovely, eh? Whatever. I logged it. I mean, really? What's the point of logging it? So I can say I did? So I can claim it and be righteous and say I'm starting over? I don't know if I am. I'm not out of this funk. I'm not crying as much today, but there are tears. There's also a plan.
I've mapped out how far it is to run a while from my office, along the waterfront. I know the distance. I know approx. how long it'll take. I don't know how my legs/muscles/shins will react. I don't know if I'll be able to run it, or if I'll be walking it. I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe I'll run. Maybe I'll cry my way along. Maybe I'll have some revelation, some epiphany, some resolve. Or maybe I'll give up, come home, and turn on Grey's Anatomy and use that as an excuse to cry some more. I'm a mess guys, and while I love supporting you and cheering you on - and I appreciate the fact that you do the same for me - right now I don't even know if I can do it for myself, and I know no one else can do it for me. But I'm trying.