Monday, November 07, 2011
…that's been my life for the past few weeks. I went into temporary panic at the beginning of October, where I came within a few pounds of my goal weight and then wondered what I was going to do. I'd been there before and it only lasted a few months. In the past, I "rewarded" myself by allowing myself to quit working out and watching what I ate, telling myself it would be temporary and when I felt the waistband tighten again, I'd start exercising/eating right again. Well that didn't work too well, and I was afraid it would happen again. Still am afraid of that to be honest, but while I have slackened some on the exercise and food tracking (seriously, that is not meant to be something you do for the rest of your life; watch what you're eating of course, but don't live and die by every calorie; food is a pleasure!)
I withdrew into myself to figure out what I needed to do. How I was going to make this different. And I am really proud to tell you that I think I will succeed this time! Not that I don't expect bumps! But I have been able to exercise regularly and enjoy it, and to indulge in food but also to step back from it. I am learning to trust myself that if I miss a workout, or eat a stromboli, that it's not the end of the world, that I won't fall back into an "all or nothing" mindset, that I can "stray" and still keep my eye on the prize, which I am learning is not my weight, but my compassion and love for myself, and for others.
My heart knows that it will not be all blue skies and green fields out there, but my heart also knows that's ok; that's how it's supposed to be. That the blue skies and green fields are STILL THERE! Even in the rain! The rain allows the blue skies and green fields, actually it makes them. So I'm learning to embrace every feeling and obstacle. And to come back to them again and again because that's how you learn. That's where the peace is.
I've missed my friends here, and I want to stick around and to keep up with everyone's journey because really, just because you reach a goal, it's not the end of your story.