The past six months, and this past challenge

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

When I chose this picture for my profile image, it represented many things to me...what I desperately wished for, a sense a freedom and openness that I craved, letting go of past hurts, hurdles, and emotional baggage, and letting in an inner peace of harmonious balance.

I still have a long way to go, but I have traveled far, and have gotten to the point where I FEEL that I am fitting into that profile image...slowly but surely.

For me personally, the past six months have been filled with disappointment, fear, anxiety, relief, challenges, hopes, goals, increasing knowledge about how my body works, determination, strength, enlightenment, appreciation, and small successes!

This past fall challenge has been an extremely unique one for me. I have been a Lime since 2008, with missing maybe one challenge somewhere along the way. That has been a lifeline for me in many ways during my time on spark. The support of a team was huge, and having a place to force me to be accountable with weigh-ins and any assigned challenges from the team.

When I look back on my patterns during all of those years, it was definitely inconsistent in a yo-yo pattern....gaining and losing the same pounds over and over and over again. I even blogged about this in the past. The problem, I think, for me is that I was clinging to belonging to something where we were all in the same boat, and that kind of support is INCREDIBLE, but I was allowing it to be a place where I could make excuses for myself. No matter what was going on in my life, some unavoidable and some very preventable gains were always excused and supported by my team, and I was not always deserving of that excuse. I was not really facing my journey head on! I was floating! I have been on a perpetual treadmill of going nowhere with absolutely no permanent progress. The problem is with my old habits, emotional baggage, insecurities, and lack of pure focus and effort. My biggest mistake was that I was starting to use Sparkpeople and my team more as a social connection, rather than also seriously focusing on why I was here.

Everyone was so kind, warm, loving, and I always knew that it was safe there. A safe and sheltered blessing that I will always be grateful for, and always recognize as a loving, giving, and supportive group of women.

The only downfall to that, with my personality, is that I was never having to be truly accountable to ME. I never really had to face MYSELF...

When I started doing research six months ago, reading everything I could get my hands on, I found a common thread throughout every resource shouting out to me what I needed to do for MY body type, MY body chemistry, and My quirks.
I took that as a serious message to start REALLY focusing on cutting out the fluff that I was padding myself with...no more excuses...RAW honesty in my attempts...Sincere effort with self-reflection...stop letting my existence on the lime team be an existence only...I am sure I could have just continued to enjoy the comraderie, love, and support for many more years without ever permanently losing and keeping off any significant amount of weight. The Lime team deserved better than that from me as well!

I needed to either pee or get off the pot...I turned 50 in June and I was still in the same basic boat (different shape and color, but still the same boat), I have been in since I was 28...with no noticeable lifestyle change! So, this is really about ME, my issues, and my personality. It was clear to me that it was time for ME to stand on my own two feet and create a custom plan for me, and hold myself more accountable. I have learned much about myself, and much of that came from sharing with the Lime team...I just lost sight of the real reason I came to Sparkpeople in the first place.

This past challenge had really great challenges (thank you Nikki!!!), and great management and support (thank you Shan!!!!), awesome dedication (thank you BarbaraRose!!!), and incredible reporting and acknowledgements (thank you Ginger!!!). I so appreciate ALL of the Limes, and what a great team of support you've been! I can only hope that I have offered you all the same!

There's no need to say goodbye, or think that things are really going to change that much, because I will continue to spark, and continue to support and share. I feel like this is the path for me, and I have noticed a definitive difference in the air with my journey, and I am dedicating myself to seeing this through and reaching my goals and really living a healthier, more fulfilling lifestyle...

I am fighting like mad out there on the battlefield of obesity...I have donned my stockings, boots, armor, and put my game face on! I have every tool that I can think I would ever possibly need...I am giving it my ALL for the long haul...how long it takes me to do it is not my focus...JUST DOING IT is all I need to worry about. I am energized, focused, driven, and reflective...being mindful every step of the way, whatever it takes to win this battle for ME!!!

We can all achieve our heartfelt hopes and dreams, and I really believe we WILL do that! Thank you, wonderful Limes! Let's continue on our journeys in full throttle!!!

Opening myself up for engaging and participating in my life, instead of remaining a bystander!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I can relate to so much that you have said, I often lie awake at night wondering if I will still be the same five ten fifteen years from now or if I will have finally achieved my goals.
    3203 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6223170
    I'm so happy for you!
    you GO, girl!

    3539 days ago
    This was a wonderful reflection of where you have been and where are you now, Casey. I am so happy for you. We all need to find our own way that suits our individual needs. This morphs over the years and it is so smart to constantly tweak and revise. You have done this and have done it very very well!! Congratulations to your success --your health will continue to improve as you move forward, listen to your body, honor your feelings and do whatever YOU need to keep on going.

    I applaud your hard work and research. It feels so good when everything comes together. What a positive 10 week challenge this has been for you!! I'll be cheering you on, my friend! emoticon emoticon
    3542 days ago
    You, my dear, are awesome! So I guess this means you're leaving the team but not Spark, right? I understand your decision. Sometimes I think about moving on too, on the days when I feel low and feel like I'm not giving enough, but I don't feel ready to go on out 'there' by myself yet. Whatever that means!! You said some things here that stood out for me, things that I have thought of too.

    Whether on the team or not, you know I support you girl! You're ready to fly semi-solo girl, it's going to be amazing to watch you!

    CONGRATS on the pounds shed on the fall challenge!!!
    3544 days ago
    YOu have done so well for yourself. Keep up the great work towards a healthier you.

    You have been a wonderful team mate and proud to be a Lime with you.
    3544 days ago
    Casey, you have been such an inspiration to me over the last ten weeks! On Wednesdays I would always look at your posting first to follow your progress, and it always lifted my spirits and gave me hope. You should be so proud of yourself - I total almost 32 pounds in that ten weeks - what an accomplishment! I will miss your postings on the winter team, but you can bet I will still "visit" you and follow your progress. You are one amazing person!
    3545 days ago
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    Congrats on your successes! I love your no excuses attitude! 30.6 lbs is AMAZING! WOWIE! That's AWESOME! YAY!!!

    3545 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10406168
    I wish you nothing but success! You have a lot to be proud of Casey. Good job!!!
    3545 days ago
    I am glad that the Lime team has been a support to you, but yet, you have me thinking about my own journey and that of my limemates... I personally do not think there is anything wrong with support and I've never been good with tough love. BUT... Maybe it's time to think about taking the team in a new direction so to speak. I'm gonna have to think and pray about this... I feel more determined for the Winter Challenge, so MAYBE... if I can have a successful Winter Challenge MYSELF, I'd actually have a leg to stand on for challenges after that! I don't know, but at least I am thinking...

    BTW... You did an AMAZING job this fall and we will miss you on the Limes. I know we will still be friends, but I also know that I will be busy with new Lime recruits and i may not get to all my "oldZ" friends as much.

    Keep on keeping on, you are an inspiration.
    3545 days ago
    Congratulations on your succes. We will be sorry to lose you as a lime but I certainly understand the need to move on and FOCUS on you. I have been doing just that myself and am fidning a new space on my other BLC team I was on for many years and felt the need to expand my horizona and challegnes.

    Lime has been a chance for me to reconnect with some of my earliest spark friedns who started my flame burning on this journey and make some new friends as well.

    You go Wonder Woman - the world is your for the taking!
    3545 days ago
    Casey.... you have lost an amazing 30 pounds over 10 weeks... Once you figured things out and put your newfound plan into place, there has been nothing to stop you! By simply standing by your side, anyone who is conscious will become motivated to find their own answers! There is little doubt that in 8 years on your 58th birthday, you will look back at this year as the one that your life changed entirely... by then you will have all the lessons and practices in place and will have conquered some incredible challenges... I have always known that the secrets are locked inside of you and inside of me.... We have many shared and many unique issues... we have shared approaches and plans and I appreciate being able to bounce these off of one another...

    It doesn't matter what team someone is on... if we stay in the same place.... things are comfortable and we need to get out of our comfort zones.... it doesn't matter much if there is no movement toward the individual goals... The limes are a wonderful group... and will continue to be a wonderful group!

    Congratulations on your enormous growth that has bloomed even more over the last 10 weeks... wow! ten weeks, a relatively short amount of time that could have resulted in more gain and more frustration, and instead.... you have turned it all around... you and your fish!!!
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    3545 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/16/2011 11:37:52 AM
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.