When I chose this picture for my profile image, it represented many things to me...what I desperately wished for, a sense a freedom and openness that I craved, letting go of past hurts, hurdles, and emotional baggage, and letting in an inner peace of harmonious balance.
I still have a long way to go, but I have traveled far, and have gotten to the point where I FEEL that I am fitting into that profile image...slowly but surely.
For me personally, the past six months have been filled with disappointment, fear, anxiety, relief, challenges, hopes, goals, increasing knowledge about how my body works, determination, strength, enlightenment, appreciation, and small successes!
This past fall challenge has been an extremely unique one for me. I have been a Lime since 2008, with missing maybe one challenge somewhere along the way. That has been a lifeline for me in many ways during my time on spark. The support of a team was huge, and having a place to force me to be accountable with weigh-ins and any assigned challenges from the team.
When I look back on my patterns during all of those years, it was definitely inconsistent in a yo-yo pattern....gaining and losing the same pounds over and over and over again. I even blogged about this in the past. The problem, I think, for me is that I was clinging to belonging to something where we were all in the same boat, and that kind of support is INCREDIBLE, but I was allowing it to be a place where I could make excuses for myself. No matter what was going on in my life, some unavoidable and some very preventable gains were always excused and supported by my team, and I was not always deserving of that excuse. I was not really facing my journey head on! I was floating! I have been on a perpetual treadmill of going nowhere with absolutely no permanent progress. The problem is with my old habits, emotional baggage, insecurities, and lack of pure focus and effort. My biggest mistake was that I was starting to use Sparkpeople and my team more as a social connection, rather than also seriously focusing on why I was here.
Everyone was so kind, warm, loving, and I always knew that it was safe there. A safe and sheltered blessing that I will always be grateful for, and always recognize as a loving, giving, and supportive group of women.
The only downfall to that, with my personality, is that I was never having to be truly accountable to ME. I never really had to face MYSELF...
When I started doing research six months ago, reading everything I could get my hands on, I found a common thread throughout every resource shouting out to me what I needed to do for MY body type, MY body chemistry, and My quirks.
I took that as a serious message to start REALLY focusing on cutting out the fluff that I was padding myself with...no more excuses...RAW honesty in my attempts...Sincere effort with self-reflection...stop letting my existence on the lime team be an existence only...I am sure I could have just continued to enjoy the comraderie, love, and support for many more years without ever permanently losing and keeping off any significant amount of weight. The Lime team deserved better than that from me as well!
I needed to either pee or get off the pot...I turned 50 in June and I was still in the same basic boat (different shape and color, but still the same boat), I have been in since I was 28...with no noticeable lifestyle change! So, this is really about ME, my issues, and my personality. It was clear to me that it was time for ME to stand on my own two feet and create a custom plan for me, and hold myself more accountable. I have learned much about myself, and much of that came from sharing with the Lime team...I just lost sight of the real reason I came to Sparkpeople in the first place.
This past challenge had really great challenges (thank you Nikki!!!), and great management and support (thank you Shan!!!!), awesome dedication (thank you BarbaraRose!!!), and incredible reporting and acknowledgements (thank you Ginger!!!). I so appreciate ALL of the Limes, and what a great team of support you've been! I can only hope that I have offered you all the same!
There's no need to say goodbye, or think that things are really going to change that much, because I will continue to spark, and continue to support and share. I feel like this is the path for me, and I have noticed a definitive difference in the air with my journey, and I am dedicating myself to seeing this through and reaching my goals and really living a healthier, more fulfilling lifestyle...
I am fighting like mad out there on the battlefield of obesity...I have donned my stockings, boots, armor, and put my game face on! I have every tool that I can think I would ever possibly need...I am giving it my ALL for the long haul...how long it takes me to do it is not my focus...JUST DOING IT is all I need to worry about. I am energized, focused, driven, and reflective...being mindful every step of the way, whatever it takes to win this battle for ME!!!
We can all achieve our heartfelt hopes and dreams, and I really believe we WILL do that! Thank you, wonderful Limes! Let's continue on our journeys in full throttle!!!
Opening myself up for engaging and participating in my life, instead of remaining a bystander!