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It is what it is.. and it ain't..

Thursday, December 01, 2011

I know, I haven't reported on the Hot Buttered Run, and I'm sorry about that. It was a good 5K experience, and it was nice to get back to a fun run instead of a stressful event. It was neat, too, to run into Kashmir and KEakman and other running ladies that I saw at the Girlfriends', too.

The HBR was well organized, offered a great race tshirt (I ordered an XL, and it really is far too big, yay!), for-real Hot Buttered Rum and Hot Chocolate, and a good course. I ran to my C25K podcast and really enjoyed myself. I finished in 42:32, which surprised and pleased me. I wanted to do anything under 50, so I was very pleased. I'd like to finish the Jingle Bell 5K this coming Sunday in under 42, but if I don't, that's ok. I'm still looking forward to it.

November started off as a good month for me. I was mid-Reboot, and experiencing quite a nice loss during that time. I did well the first week post-Reboot, but then it came on Thanksgiving week, and things started to slide. That is, my better judgement wasn't what it should be. As I told a friend just a bit ago, I lost my 'give a d*mn' and pretty much gave up.

Thanksgiving was supposed to be simple - Bill was going to grill steaks, we'd have a nice little dinner, it would be a tasty treat, and we'd move on. Great!

But instead, he bought a 14 lb turkey for just the two of us. The sides we made were relatively healthy. My portions were ridiculous. Yes, I can have ANYTHING I want to eat, at any time, as long as I have a healthy, moderate portion. 1/3 of a pumpkin pie at one go is NOT healthy nor moderate.


I'm struggling. Yea, you can tell, eh? Sorry.
I'm having a hard time with relationships right now.

My dad has been gone for 6 1/2 years now and I miss him dearly. For whatever reason, this fall has been particularly hard without him. In addition to missing him, I'm missing my daughter, who has moved from Cali. to W.Va. I know, I wouldn't be seeing her or talking with her any more were she still in Cali. but at least I could convince myself that she was on my side of the country and not so very far away.

My mom, when I mentioned to her in our last phone conversation, that Bill and I had a period of time where we weren't speaking to each other, piped up and asked "Does he resent your running?"
Not simply asking 'why?'.
Not even asking what HE did - she is MY mother after all, I'd like to think she'd be on my side initially.
She doesn't approve of my running. She thinks I'm doing too much. She thinks I'm obsessed. She shot me with that 'obsessed' zinger about my fitness and running back in September and it took me out of the game for nearly two months. I know I shouldn't have let it, but I did. And then, I finally get back on my feet again, start to feel better about myself again, make progress and strides again, and she zaps me one more time with "Does he resent your running?"

Bill and I have been at odds recently. Or more accurately, I'm at odds with him. For the record, no he does not resent my running! I feel alone, and lonely. I feel very isolated, without anyone to confide in, no one to defend me in a stupid step-family conflict, no one to push me when I need it, no one to cheer me on when I need it, no one to.. whatever. I love all y'all, but it's not the same as having a bestie around to pick up and go somewhere to do something with or do nothing and talk with. I haven't had that in a very very long time, and I'm suffering because of it.
He brings crap into the house because HE's not on a diet, he can eat whatever he wants. My willpower, when I'm this down, is not that strong. I crave and I cave far too easily. If I don't have X, Y, or Z in the house, then I can't eat it. Just because he's not fat and doesn't need to lose weight doesn't mean that he should be eating the crap that he keeps bringing home.
The step-family stuff really is just stupid, but I've had crappy in-laws before, I don't want to deal with that kind of thing again. You don't get to talk crap about me and expect me not to ever say a thing about it.

I have more good days than bad, but the bad ones really do suck. When I'm out'n'about with people, I'm ok. It is the isolation and long stretches of silence when I'm in my own head that it is the worst. Is it depression? Yes. Is it situational? More yes than no. Is it related to SAD? Possibly, although this week in PDX has been very nice, and dry, with a few sunny days... while I'm in the office!

My plan for getting through today is to change once I'm done with work and go run the waterfront. I did the same thing Tuesday evening, and it was really good. I was out on the path by 4:15 or so, and yes it was dark by the time I was done, but I liked being on the familiar run along the waterfront. (Warning - nutball statement coming up) I draw energy from water, and running along the river is peaceful and energizing and calming all at once for me (end nutball statement, sorry). I ditched ST and Zumba last night because I was simply too tired. My main goal for the Jingle Bell run on Sunday is to be well rested so I can enjoy the experience, rather than being tired, grumpy, and stressed out. Sometimes, something has to give, and last night, it was going to the gym.

So.. where does all this leave me? Left wanting, certainly. I want things to be better. I want relationships to improve, one way or the other. I want to figure out how to feel good about the coming holidays. We're having house guests starting tomorrow through next weekend, so there'll be additional stress due to that as well (maybe, we'll see).

I have an opportunity to do what I want for the rest of this month. I can make it as good or as bad, as productive or lazy, as bright or as dark as I want. It really is up to me. I am not.. I Will Not be defined nor defeated by others.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I did not know you were feeling this way... emoticon
    3470 days ago
    Other thing:

    What a totally sucky thing for yer ma to do. Really, really sucktastic.

    FWIW, I'm super proud and a little envious of your motivation to run, and to continue to run despite all the familial, seasonal, and regular day to day roadblocks that crop up.

    I'm sure your mom is all sorts of awesome, so please don't see me as dissing her, but really, her comment totally sucks.
    3480 days ago
    I'm sorry to hear about your rough times, and even more sorry to hear of the isolation/lack of a bestie to turn to.


    This may be off topic, but this book really helped me out when it came to besties, friends, the whole nine yards. It gave me a really good perspective on friendships, the roles they take, and how the friends we have can fill some roles and not others. It's also got some tips on getting over lonliness without a bestie to getting motivated and how to foster closeness in friendships.

    Truth be told, the reason I got this book is becuase of a horrible, horrible friend break up I had a couple of years ago that was still hurting years later, but this book had so much more help for me than just that incident. In no way is this a commentary on the friends you have or anything... but I've been in a place before where I've needed a friend to talk to and not really felt like I had anyone in my life to confide in... this book really helped me to realize how wrong I was, and how to foster closeness....
    3480 days ago
  • GAYLEP67
    So sorry to hear that you're going through a rough spell, Sunshine. It's bad enough when 1 or 2 things in our lives aren't great but to have multiples is lousy. I'm glad you can find some solace in your running down by the water and think you should continue with the things that make you happy.

    You have done a marvelous job at physically transforming your beautiful self over the last year+ and I'm incredibly proud of you. You're right, it IS up to you and like your journey to all of your other accomplishments, you will be successful.

    Hang in there, honey!


    3486 days ago
    I hope things are going well with your house guests if they are still there or hope they did go well. I know all too much about the relationship issues. I have been married 4yrs and it's been HARD but things just recently took a turn for the better thank God! I hope the same happens for you. As for the food that your hubby brings home, I think it sucks that he does that but for the rest of our lives there is always going to be food around that isn't good for us. I think it's just about thinking of it differently. Maybe he could hide it, or at least keep it off the counter. I find that if it's in my face on the counter, then I'm more tempted to eat it. Just make rules for yourself to help you stay focused on your goal. My hubby is skinny too and works out every night. I get mad that he just has to do the bench press a few times and eats whatever he wants and doesn't gain weight but, I watch him and really he doesn't eat that much. He never finishes his food and he goes long periods without eating. He eats slow and he has a lot of muscle so he burns calories faster. And he does something active no wonder he stays that way! lol He's actually wanting to gain weight! And I'm the one who brings in the junk food so he and the kids can have it...but then of course I end up eating it. I get angry when I see him do one set on the bench press and think how bad it sucks that I can't just do some pushups and be skinny but the truth is, I'm mad at me for letting myself get out of shape in the first place. In the end we just have to take control of our lives no matter how bad it sucks and no matter how hard it is. We will always struggle with this in some way or another. They say maintaining is the hardest so I guess we better get used to the struggle and accept it. It's tough but we can do it!! Best of luck to us all during the holiday season. :)
    3487 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8072637
    Hey sweetie!

    I'm sorry you're having issues with relationships. I'm sending some (((positive vibes))) your way and hoping that you continue to find things like running along the waterfront to boost your mood and recharge your soul. I, too, am a water baby...I feel so peaceful and energized when I get to be near the water (that's part of MY misery here in Ohio, not near a good body of water). And I totally feel you on the bestie issue. My bestie is in Florida and I'm here in Ohio. We haven't lived in the same area for 6 years and it's tough not having anyone to go out for a coffee with. Hubbies are ok to talk to and for support, but it makes such a difference having a LOCAL girlfriend.

    I'll be thinking of you honey and hoping that your visit with your house guests goes well. It's always nice to see folks, but it's also tiring to have people staying in your home. Just went through that at Thanksgiving with Mark's parents being here for almost a week.

    Hang in there. Do you have a SAD light? I don't know if it would help, but it might be worth a shot. I'm thinking of trying some St. John's Wort to get me through the situation I e-mailed you about. I know e-mail isn't the same, but I'm here for ya if you need to write and let it all out. From one nutball to another. emoticon

    Love you!

    3488 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8532529 are such a wonderful person! I also have a mother who makes zinger statements. I want to be close to her, but I end up not sharing my heart with her because I don't want to be hurt. So I keep it superficial. I don't know what to say about Bill...I've not exactly been successful in my past relationships. It seems to me he could eat his junk food away from home. And I understand why you would feel sabotaged. Everytime I look at your profile I'm struck by the fact that you don't even look like the person you did when you began. The change is unbelievable! So, don't get sucked into all this crap, as much as we want relationships to be peaceful especially this time of year, most of the time they just aren't. Draw your peaceful feelings from those who are in your corner and from running along the water. Water is a powerful force, you are definitely not a nut! And remember we have a wonderful creator who loves you more than anyone on earth can EVER! Be strong Candie! You will be in my thoughts and prayers! Hugs...Robin
    3489 days ago
    I'm so sorry about the struggles and the stress right now . . . wish I lived close enough to meet up and hang out awhile, I hear you on not having a bestie nearby. I'm not sure why some times we miss those who are gone more than others, either; my mom died about the same time as your dad, and there are days I miss her so much it hurts.


    Oh, and nothing nutball about your statement, you're not alone there, either!
    3489 days ago
    I've always said that being lonely in a relationship is the loneliest lonely there is! I get that and it's part of what I'm going thru right now too. I identified with so much of what you wrote. I too cave way too easily and I'm working on that.

    I get the water giving energy. It seems to affect me that way too. I'm glad you know yourself well enough to get that run by the water in there.

    I'm such a Grinch about everything, not just the holidays but especially the holidays. I'm going to see my folks on the 10th and I have to have their Christmas things ready to go. That's too soon! Ugh.

    I'm really rooting for you and hoping you have a fabulous December. Hang in there, maybe we can get thru this stuff together.

    I've fallen in love with this group and this holiday song really summed it up nicely for me. I've been laughing about it all day.

    njoy! emoticon
    3490 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1035627
    I'm sorry things are rough at home. And your Mother and my Mother should totally meet by the way - when I told my Mom I completed my farthest training run ever the other day she actually told me I was killing myself... and HER. ARGH!

    Hugs. Here's hoping the night run tonight will give you some energy. emoticon I don't think you are crazy at all. I believe that our natural elements are our true resources, and we all need them.
    3490 days ago
    So apparently we just must be fellow nutballs! The first place I can be found when I need to find some peace is the water. Lake, river, even a pool in a pinch! It just soothes my soul.

    As for the rest, so sorry you're in such a rough patch. Families can be really, REALLY tough. My DH and his sister are barely even speaking. Don't even get me started... I'm just trying to stay out of it and support DH. My brother and his wife, married this past May, are currently sleeping in different rooms of the house. Makes me feel sane... LOL!

    I know having us isn't quite the same. If I were closer, I'd just give you a great big ole hug and go for a walk by the river with you! Hang in there and take care of yourself. I'm thinking of you and sending you happy thoughts!
    3490 days ago
    Nutball statement - nutball would be to run along water and not draw the wonderful energy nature provides!

    As for the difficult time you are going through - I hope you find some answers soon, but you need to be the one to find the answers - not your mother. She may mean well, but it is your life and you don't have to let her comments upset you.

    May you be blessed with better days.

    Best of luck on this weekend's race.

    3490 days ago
  • LISA01605
    I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time. Eating right and exercising is hard enough without additional emotional stress. My DH recently started caring about what he eats but he hates veggies which is most of what I eat these days. There is always food in the house that I "can't" have. I have learned to think of it as his food that is off limits to me. Granted he shouldn't be eating junk but I am not the food police. Maybe you can have a cabinet where your DH can put his junk so that you are not tempted by it. Then all you would have to do is stay out of that cabinet. You wouldn't be seeing it everywhere. Just a suggestion.

    I hope you find some inner peace soon.

    3490 days ago
    I too love the water and it does give you energy. I know I love our vacations at the beach cause my husband's family is from the east coast and in order for us to see them...we rent a beach house. There is 8 of us in the family so we can't just stay at someone's house. LOL!! Anytime I can walk near a body of water is so much more soothing to me.
    I'm sorry that you are going through this with your hubby, I hope it gets better. We are here for you if you want to be heard. We support what you're doing and praying for a positive change in all your relationships!! :-) emoticon
    3490 days ago
    emoticon For the record, that didn't seem like a nutball statement to me. Of course, I suspect most people would consider me a nutball, so I'm probably not exactly unbiased.

    Hang in there hon. GO YOU for doing what you need to do for yourself, despite less-than-supportive family members.
    3490 days ago
    First off, not a nutball statement in the least. You want to hear a nutball statement? My hubby periodically says he has to "water his Jenn." Yeah, I literally draw energy from it, too. (too bad I live in landlocked western PA...) Yet another thing we have in common?

    Secondly, I hear you on the isolation stuff as well. Last year and this year, the hubby has been traveling for work for the entire Christmas season. (This year he has been home this week, but he leaves again Monday and is coming home the 21st or 22nd). Shopping, decorations, etc alone is very lonely; so while it's not the same situation, I feel the sentiment. I am so sorry you are feeling it this year.

    I don't have any beautiful words of wisdom; I wish I did. Just know I am thinking of you, praying for you, and sending hugs on the wind.

    PS Still planning on JASR? I really really really want to meet you in person!
    3490 days ago
    I'm glad you had a wonderful Hot Buttered Run! I love the name of that one and I want to do it just to get a shirt with that name. Congrats on this shirt being way too big. That is an awesome NSV!

    Oh have In-law and step-family BS too. I'm so sorry. I know that is hard.

    I'm sorry you are having a tough time with your DH. I count my blessings every day to have a DH more or less is in this with me, even though he only needs to lose a few pounds to be at a perfect weight. He doesn't like most veggies, but he powers through. I'm sorry that you do not have that.

    Drawing energy from the water is NOT nutball at all if you ask me. I think the water is at least part of the reason why I moved from the MW to WA. There is something magical about being near the water. Or maybe I'm a nutball too, in which case it's nice to know I have great company. I don't run by the water, but I live for being near it when I can make it happen. One of these days I will have to try a run.

    I'm sending you a few hugs while you think of your dad. I'm glad you have him in your heart even if he isn't here. I don't have that feeling with my parents and I've finally given up any hope for that to happen.

    But you do have all of us. When you feel alone, post us or ping us and we'll all be here for you. Even when we're not online with you, we're here. I know that isn't the same. I wish there was more. Let us know if I can do anything.

    3490 days ago
    Sorry about hubby, communication is key ;)
    3490 days ago
    Ouch... sounds like a rough patch (geez that statement is so lame, but for lack of a better...) right now.

    I get the whole family thing, at least on my own level, and it ain't pretty. I'm sorry. I miss my mom like crazy this time of year (she passed Dec 26, 2004), so I understand that ache from having a parent gone.

    I'm sorry your mom didn't step up and give you what you needed. Been there, done that too. It sucks.

    I don't have a 'real time bestie' either, and I used to - so I think I can relate there as well (fortunately, or unfortunately - take your pick)

    I LIKE your last statement "I Will Not be defined nor defeated by others" - sums it up quite nicely. I'm sorry things are so sucky right now- but you ARE right - it is up to you to make of it what you will/can.

    Please let me know if I can do anything. And take care of yourself, gal. You are so worth it.

    ~Irish emoticon

    PS - I echo Pixiemom- not a nutball statement at all - running along the water sounds cool to me.
    3490 days ago
    I'm sorry you're going through a rough time... wish there was something I could do to help!

    I didn't think your statement was "nutball" at all!! I like the water fine, but for me I love, love, love the feel of running in the woods (at least on bike I have yet to try trail running!) There's just something about being surrounded by the greenery and birdsong.

    3490 days ago
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