I know, I haven't reported on the Hot Buttered Run, and I'm sorry about that. It was a good 5K experience, and it was nice to get back to a fun run instead of a stressful event. It was neat, too, to run into Kashmir and KEakman and other running ladies that I saw at the Girlfriends', too.
The HBR was well organized, offered a great race tshirt (I ordered an XL, and it really is far too big, yay!), for-real Hot Buttered Rum and Hot Chocolate, and a good course. I ran to my C25K podcast and really enjoyed myself. I finished in 42:32, which surprised and pleased me. I wanted to do anything under 50, so I was very pleased. I'd like to finish the Jingle Bell 5K this coming Sunday in under 42, but if I don't, that's ok. I'm still looking forward to it.
November started off as a good month for me. I was mid-Reboot, and experiencing quite a nice loss during that time. I did well the first week post-Reboot, but then it came on Thanksgiving week, and things started to slide. That is, my better judgement wasn't what it should be. As I told a friend just a bit ago, I lost my 'give a d*mn' and pretty much gave up.
Thanksgiving was supposed to be simple - Bill was going to grill steaks, we'd have a nice little dinner, it would be a tasty treat, and we'd move on. Great!
But instead, he bought a 14 lb turkey for just the two of us. The sides we made were relatively healthy. My portions were ridiculous. Yes, I can have ANYTHING I want to eat, at any time, as long as I have a healthy, moderate portion. 1/3 of a pumpkin pie at one go is NOT healthy nor moderate.
I'm struggling. Yea, you can tell, eh? Sorry.
I'm having a hard time with relationships right now.
My dad has been gone for 6 1/2 years now and I miss him dearly. For whatever reason, this fall has been particularly hard without him. In addition to missing him, I'm missing my daughter, who has moved from Cali. to W.Va. I know, I wouldn't be seeing her or talking with her any more were she still in Cali. but at least I could convince myself that she was on my side of the country and not so very far away.
My mom, when I mentioned to her in our last phone conversation, that Bill and I had a period of time where we weren't speaking to each other, piped up and asked "Does he resent your running?"
Not simply asking 'why?'.
Not even asking what HE did - she is MY mother after all, I'd like to think she'd be on my side initially.
She doesn't approve of my running. She thinks I'm doing too much. She thinks I'm obsessed. She shot me with that 'obsessed' zinger about my fitness and running back in September and it took me out of the game for nearly two months. I know I shouldn't have let it, but I did. And then, I finally get back on my feet again, start to feel better about myself again, make progress and strides again, and she zaps me one more time with "Does he resent your running?"
Bill and I have been at odds recently. Or more accurately, I'm at odds with him. For the record, no he does not resent my running! I feel alone, and lonely. I feel very isolated, without anyone to confide in, no one to defend me in a stupid step-family conflict, no one to push me when I need it, no one to cheer me on when I need it, no one to.. whatever. I love all y'all, but it's not the same as having a bestie around to pick up and go somewhere to do something with or do nothing and talk with. I haven't had that in a very very long time, and I'm suffering because of it.
He brings crap into the house because HE's not on a diet, he can eat whatever he wants. My willpower, when I'm this down, is not that strong. I crave and I cave far too easily. If I don't have X, Y, or Z in the house, then I can't eat it. Just because he's not fat and doesn't need to lose weight doesn't mean that he should be eating the crap that he keeps bringing home.
The step-family stuff really is just stupid, but I've had crappy in-laws before, I don't want to deal with that kind of thing again. You don't get to talk crap about me and expect me not to ever say a thing about it.
I have more good days than bad, but the bad ones really do suck. When I'm out'n'about with people, I'm ok. It is the isolation and long stretches of silence when I'm in my own head that it is the worst. Is it depression? Yes. Is it situational? More yes than no. Is it related to SAD? Possibly, although this week in PDX has been very nice, and dry, with a few sunny days... while I'm in the office!
My plan for getting through today is to change once I'm done with work and go run the waterfront. I did the same thing Tuesday evening, and it was really good. I was out on the path by 4:15 or so, and yes it was dark by the time I was done, but I liked being on the familiar run along the waterfront. (Warning - nutball statement coming up) I draw energy from water, and running along the river is peaceful and energizing and calming all at once for me (end nutball statement, sorry). I ditched ST and Zumba last night because I was simply too tired. My main goal for the Jingle Bell run on Sunday is to be well rested so I can enjoy the experience, rather than being tired, grumpy, and stressed out. Sometimes, something has to give, and last night, it was going to the gym.
So.. where does all this leave me? Left wanting, certainly. I want things to be better. I want relationships to improve, one way or the other. I want to figure out how to feel good about the coming holidays. We're having house guests starting tomorrow through next weekend, so there'll be additional stress due to that as well (maybe, we'll see).
I have an opportunity to do what I want for the rest of this month. I can make it as good or as bad, as productive or lazy, as bright or as dark as I want. It really is up to me. I am not.. I Will Not be defined nor defeated by others.