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Of peace and joy..

Thursday, December 29, 2011

It's time. Time to find and embrace the inner peace that I've somehow lost or misplaced.

Last night, I met with other SparkPortland team mates and we volunteered our time at the Oregon Food Bank. For me, it was a pivotal experience. It was great to meet my new friends, people I’ve been reading and responding to over the last year and a half. More than that, though, it reminded me of the fact that there is a whole huge world beyond the small tight bubble I’ve banished myself to live in lately. There were so many people, none of whom I knew, giving of themselves and their time, to help others. I was a part of something bigger, much bigger and much more important than my own self and situation. There was such simple joy in the doing, in the giving of ourselves to a greater cause. I laughed and enjoyed myself and soaked up the experience. It touched me, softened me, and helped me to realize what I’ve been missing.

See, I've felt scattered lately. All sharp edges and uncomfortable and rattled. You know because you've been kind enough to bear witness to my meager attempts to write it out. I closed off my page, made it private, thinking I'd be able to pour out this angst onto these pages and get it out of my system, but I couldn't. You can't write about what you're not certain of. Flailing about blindly doesn't do any of us any good. So I bided my time.... bid my time? I waited out the rattled feeling, waiting for that moment when I could draw a deep breath and let it out again, a bit more easily.

I think I'm there. Or here. Present.

One day last week some time, I Huddled with the SparkPortland team, wishing them peace and joy. Simple enough words, but I realized that -that- was what I was looking for. I need to find my peace again, I need to remember how to live in joy, rather than in misery.

Do I blame the holidays, and missing my dad terribly to the point of crying each day?
Do I blame it on having given up on myself lately?
Do I blame it on external forces wearing away at my determination?

Yes and no. Those are reasons, but not excuses. They all played into my state of mind over the last.. well, if I'm going to be completely honest, I've been in this place for the last 7 months or so. I regained my balance for a bit, and then toppled over again 3-4 months ago. I fought the good fight, put on the brave face, continued charging forward, but whenever I'd falter, it became harder and harder to get back up and continue on.

I guess I had to fall apart enough to finally reach the point where remaining in this state is untenable and I refuse to live a half life anymore.

Where once I had firm muscle under admittedly loose skin, now I'm just squishy and jiggly.
Where once I could climb the stairs and not be winded, now I'm breathing too hard.
Where once I cared what I ate, now I'm indiscriminately shoveling.

Where once I allowed someone else to define my worth and value, now I'm shaking off that under-estimation of me and counting myself as intelligent, capable, worthy, strong, resilient, and most importantly, at peace.

I have nothing to prove to anyone, but myself. I have nothing to hoist above my head and shout 'is this finally good enough??', I have no need to hang my head and quietly whimper 'why isn't this good enough??'.

Consider this my battle cry. Consider this me putting my body, attitude, emotional health, and my detractors on notice. I can be fiercely, quietly, peacefully determined, one step at a time, gaining back the ground I've lost lately, and striding forward purposefully.

How many ways do I need to say it? How many times do I need to RAWWR to convince no one else but myself that this.. this is the time. It’s time to lift my head, find the peace and joy I had before, and coax is along, steadily, gently. It’s time to stop punishing myself for something that is beyond my control. It’s time to stand up and be worthy once more, and find my way to live in peace and joy.

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I wish you continued peace and joy throughout this year! I'm so glad to hear that you've found what was troubling you and are ready to conquer. Way to go girlfriend! I'm pretty sure I heard that RAWWR.
    3459 days ago
    I'm just now finally catching up with some blogs. The holidays and I don't get along too well so I've kinda been hibernating other than work. Great blog my friend, I'm off to read your others.
    3460 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1035627
    Darling, I love how you speak nothing but the truth. HUGS and thank you so much for giving us an update on your true feelings. I hope things get better.
    3464 days ago
    Candy! You deserve so much joy and peace and happiness just for being you! You are truly a beautiful person, inside and out. To volunteer at that Food Bank and be with others with the same giving spirit must have been a touching experience. You have a special heart that deserves the best! As I've told you before, you have a special spark about you that gives me, and many, many others, a glimmer of hope, a spark, a feeling that life doesn't have to be so hard. Life will get hard sometimes, and that's just the way it'll will be for most of us, but we don't have to let that define us! We can use that negative energy to build a fire in us! Burn up all those negatives and create a beautiful spark to create positives in our lives! I truly look forward to the future, hoping that I can help you in any way find joy, peace and happiness! You can so get this back!!!!
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    Happy New Year Candy!

    You are a true friend!

    3464 days ago
    I seem to be having a lot of downs lately. I don't write about it because I often just don't know what to say and I keep trying to fake it until I make it. Anyway, your blogs show me I'm not alone and give me some hope for getting out of this.

    There's nothing like a dose of helping others to give life some perspective and I'm so happy that you gave of yourself. It's wonderful to hear that you are feeling yourself turn the corner.

    Wishing you all the strength and belief in yourself to make your dreams come true!
    3464 days ago
    Ahh, Sheeeeeeeeee baaaaaaaaaaack!

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    Love ya, Anne
    3464 days ago
    emoticon This is a multi purpose fairy. She comes first and foremost to give you forgiveness, the forgiveness you must allow yourself to have for losing some of your path along the way. After she provides that forgiveness she is providing you with all that inner peace that you have searched. She knows you have it deep within right next to that roaring lion. Yep that lamb does reside with the lion within. It's time to allow them to co-exist. It is a tender mutual existence but one that can indeed be nurtured and allowed to grow. I know you can allow it.
    3464 days ago
    Candy, I have to tell you how much your last 2 blogs have touched my heart. I've struggled more than I care to admit starting in November, each day trying to just put one foot in front of the other, thinking tomorrow would be a brighter day. But all I really wanted to do was pull the blankets over my head and cry. UGH! Slowly I feel like I'm crawling out from under that mudslide that I couldn't hold back from burying me. There's still raw edges, still moments of feeling lost but there is hope.......there's always hope.

    Thanks so much for your email, it meant a great deal during a time of struggle.

    Wishing you peace and joy.

    emoticon emoticon

    3464 days ago
    I too want my joy and peace back. I too want to roar and be fierce about taking care of myself. I even got a book out of the library, "Happiness Project", and thought it would help me. It was a good book but I never implemented it's suggestions so how could it possibly help me?

    I'm glad that you are standing up for yourself. I believe you are an invaluable asset to my life and my self project. I cannot imagine not having you on my journey. I hope others will wake up to your value too.

    Here's hoping for a joyful 2012 for both of us and all those we love. Keep us posted on how things are going. I'm proud of you!

    3464 days ago
    Glad to see you let it all out. It truely helps you feel better and helps others to know they are not alone too. I feel the same way sometimes. I read the other day that people fail all the time and fall "off" the wagon and that made me feel a little better. But I feel even more better when I get back up and get right back to it. Put the past in the past and move on, take time for yourself, love yourself, and take joy in the little things in life, then eventually peace will come. I know it's hard to change for good so just make small changes and eventually we'll figure out how to make this a lifestyle. It's taken me a full year just start small changes and they may be better for my health but I haven't lost weight. Next I need to step it up a notch and stick to it more on a regular basis so I can see results. Results always keep me motivated!! Good luck to you on this journey during the new year! -Jennifer
    3464 days ago
    As usual, you are right inside my head, with all my own insecurities and issues. I am standing proudly next to you, watching you take your own power back.

    You are a force to be reckoned with, gal! And so very very worthy of all you are capable of accomplishing.

    Here's to 2012 and all the wonderful things we are going to accomplish!

    3464 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8532529
    You are worthy! And you haven't gone back to where you were...that's a very distinct difference this time. We are going to fall and get caught in the mire of our demons that got us here in the first place....the important thing is you kept fighting and now you are able to set yourself free. Remember, Candy, even though there are those in your life that don't love you as they should, you have a creator who loves you more than you will ever know. Try to tap into that, feel that love, let it surround you and bring you the peace that you desire! You are worthy and so very loved! Hugs...Robin
    3464 days ago
    I hear you! I am so very proud of you! Way to go on putting yourself as a priority and figuring out what was going on with yourself.
    3464 days ago
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