I remember last New Years Eve. I was watching my husband pack stuff up from our home and get ready to move to an apartment. We were desperately trying to work things out, but had spent the entire fall living apart. The next day, January 1, 2011 I got the stomach flu. Freaking fantastic!
Right then I should have known this would be no ordinary year! Time and again over the past 365 days, that thought has played in my head. In some ways I should probably HATE 2011, but I dont. I had my heart ripped out and stomped on, I battled many MANY things, but in the end this year has been one of wonderful growth.
SO MANY MANY things happenned this year! I doubt I can remember them all... some of the BIG things then: My back flared up in a terrifying way. It brought me back to the year of hell with my back surgery. I was stricken. A VERY pregnant Runningsoul had to come and help me get undressed and into the shower, and the car, to the chiropractor's (that blessed, blessed man). I couldn't stand to face the idea that I might be headed for a repeat of the agony I had previously endured. Thankfully, it healed and I went on with my life.
Running soul had her baby, Mason. And I was there for the blessed, awesome, terrifying, exciting process. It was something that I would say forged the bond between us even stronger. Mason has been a wonderful addition to my life, I feel blessed to be his 'auntie'.
I wandered my way through life solo, with a husband who lived an exit away and told me he was trying to work on things...but there was sucha distance between us...and i couldn't figure out WHAT it was or WHAT to do about it! there were many climatic moments, times where he told me he just couldnt reconcile when my weight was still such a huge problem, and other times where he said he'd love me forever...but then came the tearing down of what IT was standing between us. He was having an affair! Had been, for almost 2 YEARS!!! I questioned everything I had ever believed about him, and me, and our relationship...God worked overtime during those days....as did RunningSoul, my sister, Sue, Rachel, Edie...and countless others. I was enraged. I was destroyed. I was devastated. My heart hurt ALL THE TIME. And I began to really LOOK at what I had allowed to happen in my relationship with Brian. How I had never felt worthy of him, how I gave and gave and gave until there was nothing left of ME that i could even recognize, how I had patterned my life around his. And I began to change...slowly at first, and then gaining momentum. I was a force to be reckoned with! I was strong and BEAUTIFUL and AWESOME! He was LUCKY to have me in his life! I had my sister design 2 tattos (i didnt previously have any) 1 said bloom and the other shine. I had them tattooed on the inside of both wrists as reminders to myself, who so quickly forgot, that I was capable and NEEDED to do both of those things!
I took my sister to Texas for my friends wedding, a trip I had contemplated not going on because it would financially stress out Brian. But I went, ironically my sister and i flew out on my 11th anniversary. My husband, by way of our shared credit card, footed the bill for this trip. We got the jaccuzi suite, a convertible (which in retrospect wasnt a great choice for Texas) we went shopping and out to dinner. I CHARGED it ALL. And I felt a teensy bit vindicated.
I determined that I still loved my husband, in fact would ALWAYS love my husband, but that things needed to change or we would never make it. I finally began to understand my worth, and set about showing HIM what it was. I moved out of the townhouse we had shared, and into my own apartment. I began paying to get things, like clothes and my hair done. Little things and bigger things. And eventually i told him that he had to decide if he loved me enough, as is, in that moment to continue with out marriage. I gave him a 2 week deadline to figure it out. He had an answer in 5 days, yes he did and would. I chose to accept that, as long as things truly changed.
I impulsively signed up for and attended JourneyDance teacher training in July. Something I NEVER would have even THOUGHT of doing before! And I loved it! And I was GOOD at it!
It was amazing to me! I had never considered myself coordinated, graceful, or confident. Suddenly I was those things. it was AMAZING!
I went to Anusara yoga teacher training, terrified. But I DID it. I survived! In some parts I can even say I thrived! More and more i was becoming the person God has always MEANT for me to be. A healer....multifaceted. A strong, confident, woman who KNOWS HER WORTH! A wife on equal terms!!!
I once again faced my eating disorder, head on, delving deeeeeeeeep into things to help me heal. It was excruciating, but I did it. I casted my belly so that I could grasp what i had really BECOME, physically speaking. It was horrifying!
And i began to see what I had done to MYSELF. That hurt worse of all...
In the fall my sister gained access to the Northcountry Biggest Loser program. I determined that I was going to jumpstart my own recovery by 'competeing' with her in what has become a mutually supportive rivalry. I have begun the process of losing weight, once again, but decidedly different this time around. I am succeeding at this!
Then I began to see how I have let others use me and take advantage of me for years, and discovered that I DONT HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT ANYMORE! I gave notice at the studio I had wanted to help build, after realizing that would never be possible. That was a HUGE step for me. To actually say out loud, hey you can't treat me thnis way! And stick by my decision and not falter when pushed back against. HUGE! I then stepped out in faith, to work with my friend Christy...even though it would be more rent. Even though I had no guarantees that it would work. i did it ANYWAY! I stood up for myself in ways I never would have DREAMED possible! I took a stand against my father's emotionally abusive outbursts. I stood up for what I believed in...just recently, I resigned at my yoga studio because I could no longer stand idly by while my friend and mentor was treated horribly and lied about.
I began asking for what I needed and then accepting it when people tried to give it. THen came the news that my husband was being interviewed by a Boston law firm. They were actively pursuing him. I was full of panic because i did not want to move and have to start all over again. I was afraid all of my work would be for nothing and i would 'cave' and just go along with whatever Brian said. BUT. I . DID. NOT.
I did compromise, but in a way that met MY NEEDS as well as his! What a HUGE change!!! Now we are preparing to live in 2 places here in Albany and there in Boston. We faced finacial pressures together. i did not give up my needs because he was stressed. i told him what I wanted in a place there, and didnt back down when faced with his anxiety. Now I am looking forward to moving into an apartment that compromises to meet both of our needs.
I finally arranged to have my skin tags removed, ugh I HATED those things! And a spot on my nose...it turns out that the spot is cancer
but, the 'good kind' if there is such a thing, and my recovery is 99% assured.
I cannot believe how far I have come this year. Hubby and I have reconciled and in a much more real way then if I hadn't had to face the truth of what was happenning in our marriage, and what my role had become. I'm standing on the edge of this year, ready to launch into 2012...I have never, ever felt the impending New Year like this year. I'm excited to start my business in a new place, to continue getting healthy and then trying for a baby in June, to becoming a yoga instructor and training deeper in JourneyDance, to finishing my project from restorative yoga teacher training so i can FINALLY, 6 months later, get certified. To teaching at a new, beautiful space. Possibly more than 1. To exploring a new life with Brian, and by myself as i continue to figure out what i need to heal, and bloom!
Come with me friends! Shine on!