Saturday, December 31, 2011
As I look back on 2011, I see a change in me. I’ve grown spiritually, maturely and become wiser. Was this a good year? Honestly, no.
I recognize each of us goes through difficult phases during our life time. Some phases are very pleasant and joyful, while other phases bring heartache, worries and physical pain.
I’ve lost loved ones, beloved pets, my illness (Fibromyalgia & Syrinx) and belittling from family members. It became so painful and unbearable, I became withdrawn from the outside world. In a way, I’m still hiding. There have been times, even recently, I wanted to quit Sparkpeople. I’m grateful for all the people on SP and how they’ve been there for me.
Just recently I had a appalling experience with my step-father. Of course, this is nothing new, except for his words of disgust. People say true feelings are revealed when someone is annoyed. His true colors shown like a light in the darkest room. My mom and I were watching Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsey. He walks in and says he would love to open a restaurant. My mom and I said that it would be closed down due to repulsive kitchen and fridge cleaning habits. I always make sure my mom is cooking or we’re going out to eat. I made the comment I use the restroom more when I’m at my parents home than I do at my home. He got up in a mad rage and said “f***” you over and over again to me. I remembering saying you’re a filthy pig and no cursing from me. He then said, See I tried being nice to her for 5 days and it did NO good. I hate her ways and all she does is cause trouble. Maybe if you didn’t pile your plate so full of food, you wouldn’t go to the bathroom as much. FYI: I don’t pile my plate full of food. As a matter of fact, I hardly been eating. I need to mention he lies and has a huge problem with me. What the problem is, I can only say he hates my relationship with my mom or is jealous of me. I also feel he really doesn’t like me. I’ve felt this way for the last 30 years or so. That’s how long they’ve been married. You can always tell when someone doesn’t like you. Anyway, I withdrew inwards, because in my mind, he called me fat and with all the other things he said. I dare not write them, much less repeat half the stuff he said. My mom kept telling him to be quiet or else. He finally slammed the door shut. Ok, going back to my comment about using the restroom more often, well before he blew in a frenzy, my mom was going to say the same thing. I told my mom, see, this is how he truly feels about me. I’m not sure if my mom is blinded by this, doesn’t want to face the real truth or feel that she failed in this marriage. It could be a combination of the three. I just don’t know.
For the last month and a half, I’ve been repulsive by food. The smell of it makes me nauseous. There seems to be a bland taste and that goes with any food I try to eat. I’ve been drinking more liquids, just not eating much.
I’m trying to have a positive attitude for the new upcoming year. Deep down, I’m not so gun hoe for 2012. People are so excited about New Years Eve. When your heart isn’t into something, it’s not going to mean anything to you. If you go by clinical terms of a doctor, one might say I’m depress. So be it.
I did make New Years Resolutions, except I changed resolutions to goals. It tricks the mind and body. LOL Resolutions people do well in the beginning, but fade fast and loose interest. Goals are tiny steps that lead to bigger goals and accomplishments. More than likely, you are to keep up with your goals than resolutions.
I sincerely wish all a Happy New Year and may you reach your goals!