100,000-149,999 SparkPoints 130,060

2 lbs away from my first goal of 50 lbs lost

Monday, January 09, 2012

My current weight is 201.8. When I started in August, I was at 250lbs and I didn't think I would make it this far. I don't have a lot of confidence in myself. I have been trying to be a stronger person, but I still question my ability to stick with important things. My first goal is to lose 50 pounds before my wedding this October. I was worried I wouldn't be able to reach it. Now I am less than 2 pounds away to having 50 lbs be off of me. I am starting to get really excited because of BBORDEN86's Page. She wants to get to 199, and I am really excited for her. I am getting really excited for me too now because I am so close!

When I first started on Sparkpeople, I had the ticker show Pounds lost instead of my actual weight because I was embarrassed. I didn't think anyone on here would make fun of me, but I was upset with myself for letting my weight get so high. I keep wondering WHY and HOW I could let myself get like that. I was so focused on the other aspects of my life. Actually, I think I was more focused on making everyone else happy. I let myself go because I just didn't care. I felt fat, felt bad about myself, and just didn't do anything about it. I tried weight watchers and lost 40 pounds. I felt so happy to see 208 on the scale at that time. I felt great about myself for sticking to their points program for 6 months, but then I started slipping. I had one snack, and then ate worse and worse for no reason. I didn't want to pay $14 a week anymore for a weigh in. I hated figuring out the points for the food, and I hated the meetings at the mall. I just gave up on myself. Although I wish I didn't give up, I am kind of glad. I look back now and see how easy it is just to give in. I won't this time- at least I really hope I won't! I know how easy it is to slip... it is too easy.

I am proud of myself for doing so much since August. My goal reward for losing 50 lbs is to get my hair dyed. I decided to give myself this early because I barely ever give myself anything. I didn't give myself the 35 lb lost reward yet. I didn't give myself the 40 lb lost reward yet. AND I didn't give myself the 45 lb lost reward yet. Instead of rewarding myself, I bought other people presents and put them first. I think I will always be this way just because it is how I think. Anyways, I really wanted my hair cut to chop off the dead ends & I wanted it dyed to finally make it all one color. Although I still have two pounds to lose, I decided to go for it and get it done. I am glad I did, because I love the look! I took some pictures of myself the other night. Once I get the time to put them into my home computer, I will post some of the weight loss pictures on here.

Before: Dead ends yuck.

After: Brown & layers yay!

So what is next? I will hit 50 lbs lost and then what? I will not give up! Once I actually get under 200 lbs, my next goal is to get to 185 lbs. Then I will be considered overweight from the BMI instead of being Obese. I really hope I will be healed up soon from the stupid gallbladder removal. I am GOING to go to the gym and/or workout once I am better. From there, I want to get to 155 to be on the high end of the "healthy weight" for my height. I actually don't really know how I will feel once I lose that much weight. I don't know if I will care as much about the BMI. I know I won't give up, but I may not be as hard on myself. No matter what I do, I won't give up on MYSELF. People come and go, but I am always around.
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