FITFRIT
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My dirty little secret.....

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Okay, so no one here really knows me right? So I could probably share with you my deepest darkest secret and you couldn't use it against me to blow up my world could you? Or am I just dying to talk to someone about this and I'm going to implode my life and ruin friendships too. Sometimes you have to take a chance and talk to someone, sometimes it all just becomes too much and you need to be able to tell people how you feel and what you are really dealing with. So, here goes....
I'm not happy, sure I have a lot of happiness in my life, sure I have five wonderful, happy, healthy kids. I still also have a dirty little secret. You see I haven't been happy in my marriage for a long time. Some years ago I begged my husband to see a marriage counselor with me and he simply said "no". I stood at our kitchen sink, crying, and begged him to talk to someone with me. He then told me he doesn't believe in counseling, that I knew he was this way when I married him and that he has no intention of changing. I asked again, several more times in fact.
When I realized he really had no intention of ever making an effort I decided it was time to take care of me and my children. See, my children always come first, and I have been divorced before. I swore as a child I would never let my children grow up without their father as I had because it was a painful way to grow up. Then during my first marriage I realized that

1) my ex-husband was absent even though he was around all of the time and
2) that my girls were growing up to think it was okay for a wife to be treated like their dad treated me.

I ended my first marriage and although it was difficult I made due and now with 5 children it would be hard, harder than it was before but I could do it. So, I enrolled myself in college and my plan has been to leave once I finish school and get a job that will allow me to support my children without having to look like I am incapable. So, that is what I have been doing for the last three years, going to school, working on bettering myself, and planning for the day when I can start my life.
In the midst of this journey of me hoping to find my way out of this situation I have found some amazing support in my friends, family members who do know, and by meeting new people who have been through what I am going through.

That is the first part of my dirty little secret...there is more but I am emotionally drained just from going over the pain of thinking of it again...perhaps I will share more tomorrow.
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  • FITFRIT
    I've gone to counseling, once for 6 full months and more recently for just a few appointments that did help me to confirm I am doing the right thing. My husband is a good man, but emotionally he is absent sometimes. I cannot recall ever hearing him tell our children that he loves them, he is not fun, always strict and the enforcer of rules which on occasion need to be broken to have a little (always safe) fun. His idea of a great night is to spend it playing video games or watching television. He never encourages the children to play sports or participate in anything...I assist coach softball, soccer, I know their teachers, their friends, their crushes, their favorite colors...he knows none of this. This is far from being just about me, it is also about my children. They do not deserve to have to feel like they should walk on egg shells around their dad.
    Here is a perfect example...I read bedtime story to my three youngest children most every night, tonight I asked my husband to read story with me, I had to give him a book since he does not know where to find them (d0n't ask)...and he reads the story without showing the kids any of the pages. They're 5, 5, and 7...they WANT to see the pictures, when I told him this he got angry at me. I try to make him happy by making sure dinner is on the table when he gets home, I was working and bringing home a really nice paycheck and he wanted me at home because I was never here when he wanted me here. I gave in and quit working so I could concentrate on school and my children because he said he would work overtime and make up for the lack of my paychecks...he has worked overtime two of the 6 weeks since I quit my job. He told me the company he works for had a job opening that would be perfect for me...yea, it was from 11 am to 7 pm an hour from my home...so I'd get to put the kids on the bus each day and make it home in time to kiss them good night and not see them but see him every day....um NOT!

    ok, i'm done ranting for now.
    3413 days ago
  • CEKER9
    JAZZEJR has it right... you go to counseling by yourself. Your experiencing enough pain and there have been times that when one person actually gets counseling and begins turning around that it is enough to heal the marriage... or the other person goes to counseling... or it will make you stronger and more capable to be a whole person on your own.

    Life doesn't always deal us the best hands and we have to do the best we can with them, you are stronger than I am if you have set a plan and have been working it out for 3 years... amazing! I would have left and made it on my own... I'd show them! Your way is emotionally more difficult, but financially much smarter and thinking more of the children than yourself... kudos, you are one strong Mama!!!
    3413 days ago
  • JAZZEJR
    It's great that you have a plan...and a focus. Did you ever consider going to counseling alone? It might help you to cope.
    3413 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/12/2012 2:06:57 AM
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