My dirty little secret.....
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Okay, so no one here really knows me right? So I could probably share with you my deepest darkest secret and you couldn't use it against me to blow up my world could you? Or am I just dying to talk to someone about this and I'm going to implode my life and ruin friendships too. Sometimes you have to take a chance and talk to someone, sometimes it all just becomes too much and you need to be able to tell people how you feel and what you are really dealing with. So, here goes....
I'm not happy, sure I have a lot of happiness in my life, sure I have five wonderful, happy, healthy kids. I still also have a dirty little secret. You see I haven't been happy in my marriage for a long time. Some years ago I begged my husband to see a marriage counselor with me and he simply said "no". I stood at our kitchen sink, crying, and begged him to talk to someone with me. He then told me he doesn't believe in counseling, that I knew he was this way when I married him and that he has no intention of changing. I asked again, several more times in fact.
When I realized he really had no intention of ever making an effort I decided it was time to take care of me and my children. See, my children always come first, and I have been divorced before. I swore as a child I would never let my children grow up without their father as I had because it was a painful way to grow up. Then during my first marriage I realized that
1) my ex-husband was absent even though he was around all of the time and
2) that my girls were growing up to think it was okay for a wife to be treated like their dad treated me.
I ended my first marriage and although it was difficult I made due and now with 5 children it would be hard, harder than it was before but I could do it. So, I enrolled myself in college and my plan has been to leave once I finish school and get a job that will allow me to support my children without having to look like I am incapable. So, that is what I have been doing for the last three years, going to school, working on bettering myself, and planning for the day when I can start my life.
In the midst of this journey of me hoping to find my way out of this situation I have found some amazing support in my friends, family members who do know, and by meeting new people who have been through what I am going through.
That is the first part of my dirty little secret...there is more but I am emotionally drained just from going over the pain of thinking of it again...perhaps I will share more tomorrow.