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painful triggers.....

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Okay, time to get real...I cheated..yep, I had cupcakes today. Two of them even, and worse yet I bought a box of 8 so there are still more in the house! WHY do I do this to myself????? I love hostess cupcakes...I need to stop doing this to myself!!!!

My mom and I have been talking, which is nothing new mind you, we talk often and she is a fellow sparker. Anyway, we have talked the last couple of days and the subject of one of my oldest friends came up. See a few months ago my friend of over 20 years came down to my house since he was in the area doing a job and was going to have dinner with my kids and I. My husband was at school that night and wouldn't be here which was fine with my friend because he thinks my husband is a jerk for the way he treats me. Anyway, both of us have been in uncomfortable relationships with our spouses for several years now and we both each have 5 kids so we've been sticking it out for our kids sakes. Well my friend finally couldn't take it anymore and decided to file for divorce. From what he told me about his marriage I don't blame him, he and his wife have slept in separate rooms for more than 7 years and they barely speak to one another. It makes me sad to see my friend going through this and yet my situation is not all that different...I am horribly unhappy with my marriage too but I'm so afraid of what would happen in a custody fight that I am working to finish school and get a better job first so I have a better chance to win.
I know that sounds bad, but my children do not have fun with their dad, he does not know them like I do, he doesn't love on them or play with them the way that I do. And it's not just because he works and I don't; he was off work for 6 months a couple of years ago and he didn't spend any more time with them then than he does now. friend and I have been talking and being each other's shoulder and go to person to talk to. He had told me he liked a girl he knows that he went to high school with who is now divorced and has a couple of kids. I encouraged him to tell her how he feels and he did and we were still talking all of the time. Then he came here to have dinner and meet my kids. See we had lost touch for a number of years and then found each other again thanks to facebook. We live several hours apart though so we had only seen each other once in the last year. Well the day he came for dinner he left before the kids ever got back from school and acted really strangely and hurt my feelings by running out before he met the kids. I gave him our older ps3 as we had previously agreed as an even up trade for rosetta stone in spanish to help me become more appealing to employers....well when he left that day I handed him the ps3 and then I asked him a couple of days later why he had left. He made up some BS story about why he had left and I asked why he hadn't told me this before and he apologized and I did too. Then a couple of days later he deleted me and blocked me on facebook. I was so shocked and so hurt that I cried and texted him angry demanding to know why. He told me that "this was why" meaning my text demanding to know why. and he has never spoken to me again.
I hurt every single day when I think about it....well my mom has been talking to him the past couple of days through facebook chat. When he deleted and blocked me he didn't bother to delete or block my chldren nor did he remove them from my facebook so it was more a slap in the face than anything. He still had access to my fb through the kids accounts which was so insulting and upsetting that I deleted and blocked him from all of my kids accounts and then deleted his children from mine. Hearing that he is talking to my mom now, acting as if none of this happened, that he didn't hurt me, not bothering to ask how I am or acknowledge that this is my mother he is crying his sob story to is really upsetting.
So...that is another of my painful issues I am dealing with. I am not sure what it was I did that pushed my best friend away, but I have lost several friends over the years because they do not like my husband and now I have lost this friend for reasons I do not even know. It still hurts like a fresh wound whenever I think of him and all of the things I shared with him about how I felt about my marriage. We had been friends forever, his dad stood up in my mom's marriage to my step dad of over 15 years. All around this is just really confusing and painful.

There is still more but this is enough for today....
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JUSTA123
    You sound like your in pain, maybe your mom will find out, why he's not speaking to you, and maybe your the women he cares about and realizes it's a dead end, take heart, things usually happen for the best. emoticon
    3402 days ago
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