Monday, January 16, 2012
Just finished 30 minutes on the elliptical and went for a 30 minute walk afterwards. I feel clear headed and cleansed more than I have in weeks. I used to walk 60 minutes every night and I think I need to go back to doing that. The elliptical is great and I want to keep doing that too, but I missed walking. I know it sounds kinda funny, but I walk around my house....I generally have the tv on with something I like watching, but sometimes I turn it off and use my mp3 to tune everyone out.
I have been having a very hard time lately, I lost my best friend, I am miserable in my marriage, because I am miserable in my marriage I have let myself go. Here comes a harsh truth that I do not admit to people, but my fat protects me and my family. See, I do not get attention from my husband and I miss that. I get flirted with even as a bigger girl and I know I would get flirted with if I was thin on a whole other level. I was afraid I would cheat on my husband so I protected myself by being fat and undesirable to other men. That is so pathetic, but I also know it is so true. See my mother was abused by my father so when he went to prison on an unrelated crime charge my mother gained a lot of weight and that kept my dad from wanting to come home. So I learned this behavior....I grew up knowing I could use my weight to keep me safe from the bad things in life and I did just that.
Now things are different, see I no longer care about protecting my marriage. I tried for years to get my husband to change, to see the light, to understand my point of view. I'm not asking him to become a different person, I am just asking that he show our children and me affection, that he TALK to me. Some of my best friends all throughout my life have been men. Our neighbors when I was a child had a son 6 months older than I am, and we grew up best friends. I was the only girl my age in my neighborhood, but there were a lot of boys my age so I played with the boys and basically grew up thinking the way they did. It is no surprise now that some of my best friends and confidants are men.
So in the midst of my miserable marriage I turn to my friends for support. My girl friends all ask me how in the world I ever married my husband because we are SO different and my guy friends often commend me for trying so hard for so long. I have a very good friend who is ending his 20 year marriage. We met through our daughters quite a few years ago at softball and because his wife was controlling we never really talked much prior to his wife moving out. So in the last year or so we've been talking almost constantly about how his daughter is dealing with their divorce and a lot about his divorce. Sometimes we would meet in the Walmart parking lot just to give each other a supportive hug because we were having a bad day. Slowly over the last year this man has become someone I rely on and depend on for emotional support and I love him dearly. When my other friend dumped on me and closed the door on our 20 plus year friendship a few months ago he held me as I cried and understood my need to be upset in a way my husband does not understand or want to talk about.
Then the holidays happened, my husband did not get me anything for our anniversary in November, not even a card, nor did I get anything for my birthday in September, not even a card..and Christmas was much the same...NOTHING! I bought him a gift, something I put a lot of thought into and I don't expect much but even when he does "do something" for me it is still about him. One of my girl friends invited me out for my birthday for lunch and I paid the bill! I am tired of being dumped on by the people I care about. My friend "t" is not like that. We agreed not to buy each other Christmas presents because we wanted to concentrate on our own families so we didn't. Well when he found out my husband didn't buy me anything he was LIVID.
I am thankfully everyday that I have t in my life. He makes me smile, he sends me texts to say hi, morning, nite...just to ask how I'm doing. We try to get together once a week to grab a lunch or dinner and we take turns paying. My older girls know him from softball and they really like t and his daughter, more so than they like their dad or step-dad. Sad isn't it?
So in getting real I want to admit that my fat has protected me from putting myself out there or doing something I would regret in my marriage, and I sabotage myself or let my husband sabotage me because I have told him I am so unhappy that I am afraid to lose weight because I'd never let someone else see me naked as fat as I am. SO it's not like he doesn't know how miserable I am, yet he does not want to change "you knew I was this way when you married me and I shouldn't have to change". Yea, well a single man who has no kids, never dated, had a girlfriend, lived with anyone other than his elderly parents....yea I figured he would adjust to having an instant family since he pursued me and proposed to me knowing full well I had two children and exactly who I am. So I am supposed to change and I am supposed to adjust to him but he doesn't need to give or adjust to us? I'm tired of being fat because it's safe. And although I love my husband I hate him for what he has done to me, to my children, and to our family.
I am taking control of me, taking the time to change me now, to hell with the absolute crap that I have made of my life because I knew my marriage would suffer if I was thin and got attention. TIME TO GET REAL!