Where my head is right now...
Friday, April 13, 2012
Most of you know that I don't tend to write blogs every day. It's not a matter of not thinking about weight issues, triggers, temptations, getting fitness in, roadblocks, etc. I constantly think about and struggle at times with many of these things. Mostly, it's a matter of time. I always thought when the children were older that there would be more time...I sure was wrong about that!
Recently, a friend asked me how I was so motivated to begin getting the weight off. I thought about it, and it's a combination of life events. I turned 50 last May, and that was a factor in getting serious about how I wanted to live the rest of my life. Two of my closest friends died in their early 50's. Both to cancer, but each had carried a lot of extra weight most of their lives, and I always wondered how much that contributed to their body's ability to fight that awful disease.
My daughter also pointed out that I too easily give away money, time and resources to take care of family and friends. She reminded me that I need to take care of me, too. She said, "This is your time, mommy. You gave us everything we needed growing up. Now it's your turn to go after your dreams."
I am trying to take her advice, and to make yourself a priority, goes against a lifetime of thinking patterns that may have been wrong or right. I am making progress, fitness classes and taking time for other exercise has not been the option I used to allow it to be. I just do it. I want to be the best me at this stage of life. I want to be able to enjoy my active grandchildren, to run and to play with them.
But if I am going to be totally honest with myself, I would have to say the biggest factor is my daughter's upcoming deployment to Afghanistan. The closer it looms, the more frightened and concerned I become. I become frozen with emotion and have to force myself to think about other things. One of my Army friends I went to school with, has a daughter who also served. He told me she was there when we invaded Iraq, and that she later was wounded in action. He stated, "It's one thing when your son goes to war, but it's an entirely different thing when it's your little girl." I understand what he means, and definitely NOT that it's any easier to let your son march off to war, NOT at all! (I have two sons who also serve our country.) I guess what I am saying is that as Emily's deployment date gets closer, and as she prepares with so many trainings, that I feel more and more out of control. I can't go with her and protect her. I can't offer myself up for her, and she would not want me to do that, even if I could, she has accepted her mission, and is ready to complete it to the best of her ability. She is a nurse, and she has stated that if she can help just one soldier make it home alive to his/her family, that she will feel like everything was worth it.
What I'm saying is I think that since I have no control over something that scares the hell out of me, that I am using that to control something that I can...my weight. Wrong or right, irrational or not, it is a motivating factor when I am honest about it.
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3, 5-6