SHANSHE
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Ramblings

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

This blog has no real purpose, other than to just blog. I am a little bored, and nobody to really talk to, so why not blog? That way I get to talk, LOL!

This past Thursday, my aunt called me and asked me to meet her at Dollar General (yes, my workplace). I got there and she told me she had $100 to buy me some stuff, so I did not have to buy it and so that it would last awhile. We got toothpaste, mouthwash, deodorant, shampoo, body wash, toilet paper, cleaners, laundry detergent, etc... I knew we were close to the $100 mark as she was adding it on her phone and then she stopped telling me the total, but kept adding things. I was busy when the total popped up loading the cart with my bags of "loot" and I am not POSITIVE of the total, but I believe it was close to $150.00 and she put it on her credit card. I was soo thankful... we had been using an old phone-book that day for toilet paper and I was OUT of many of the things she bought for me! How she knew we needed the stuff is beyond me as I had not told anyone. I believe God led her to do it, in fact, I am certain of it, because I had been praying. When we left the store, I loaded the stuff in the back of my Durango, while we chatted a minute or two and she left. As I was pushing the cart back in the store, she circled around and held her hand out saying she forgot to give me something and it was the $100 bill she had showed me when we first got to the store! I was thankful and grateful for the blessings God used her to bestow upon me, but HOW do you show the depth of your gratitude for something like that? I've never been able to figure that one out! It's almost like I was being rewarded for getting and keeping a job, ya know? She did not say that, but in my mind, I had been wondering why we weren't in much better shape than when I wasn't working and well, I do not know how to explain it. I AM very humbled and thankful for that huge blessing though!

Since I've been working, the house has kind of gotten out of control and bringing home all those cleaning supplies made me see the dirt and grime even more it seemed! So, I had these huge plans to really clean the house good today (Monday) while I was off work, but I was sooo tired all weekend! However, I did do dishes and clean the half bath. You might think the half bath would be no big deal... BUT you do not know how bad it was! It was nasty and I am ashamed to admit it, but it even stunk! I cleaned it THOROUGHLY, including some of the walls, even the door inside and out! Jonah is bad about touching the walls and for some reason, so is hubby. I even got down on my hands and knees and scrub brushed the floor! I cleaned everything with the foaming bathroom cleaner and then went back over it all with Pine Sol! :) It was one of those things where you would clean, but it still smelled after a day or so (probably too many males missing the toilet)!! So I figured if I gave it a good thorough cleaning, it would be better. Guess what? It worked!!! So anyway, I put the cleaners to good use today and I have plans to use them again soon! :) I want to be better at keeping that BR clean and get the rest of the house cleaned up too...

I WAS feeling bad about myself for not getting my house clean and not being able to function outside of work... but I forced myself to clean today even though I didn't want too and I like the results! :) I think it makes me feel a little more normal, like other people that work. Does that make sense? I mean, having a job has been so hard for me to get used too, that mainly all I've done is work and when off work... rest up for the next time I work. Now, I am finally getting to the point that I can work and then actually DO something on my day off or even in the afternoons when I get off work, etc... (I have been interrupted several times while typing this last paragraph, so hope it makes sense).
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On another note, something weird I have been experiencing at work... When the people I am used to working with are not there or I am working without many people there, this weird feeling comes over me, like an emptiness or something I cannot explain. I feel it in the pit of my stomach and I feel so alone and lonely... sad feeling. I keep thinking that it's because I am not reading my bible regularly or praying like I should, etc... Am I using other people to fill a void that God should be filling or do I just LIKE to work with other people?? Some days it is really bad and I can hardly shake it and if I were to tell anyone, I would start crying and I would feel silly. Lately, I just try to pray or quote scripture. I tell myself that I don't need others to do my job, etc... I mean, it does not keep me from working, but it certainly affects my mood. I do not feel this way outside of work... at least not so intensely, any ideas?
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In other news... I am sucking at this health journey... However, i just finished reading the book by Michelle Aguilar (TBL - season 6 winner) called "Becoming Fearless - My Ongoing Journey of Learning to Trust God" and it is inspiring to me. I was thinking the other day... If I got used to working, and learned to keep my house clean on a more regular basis and lost some weight, and became more consistent in my relationship with God etc... then many of my BIG obstacles would be over or at least in maintenance mode? I wondered what was keeping me from achieving these things... I think I am a tad bit lazy, but other than that, nothing would be wrong with me (well we all have faults) but my biggest hurdles would somehow be overcome and then what? Did I really just say I like something being wrong with me? What is that about?

I guess I need to start going through some things again, dealing with my thoughts and emotions so I can grow. Since the summer of 2008 when I had that "transference issue" with our family counselor, I have not done much growing. It's like I worked through that and then I got busy with life and quit on myself or something. I mean, I have accomplished some big things since then, and probably grown more than I realized, maybe it was just slower not as eye-popping growth as then. Cannot believe that was 4 years ago??? REALLY???

Anyway, I know this has been rambling and if you have stayed with this blog all the way through, you deserve a gold medal, LOL!

Thanks in advance for any insight you may have for me.
Shan

P.S. Some of this may not make sense if you were not reading my blogs 4 years ago, but some of you have been with me this whole ride and know exactly what I am talking about. You are welcome to go back and read any of my past blogs, but it might take awhile to go all the way back to 2008... :) You may have insight without having to go back that far anyway!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MRSWHITEWOLF
    I get waves of sadness too, and I have to disagree with one thing you mentioned, that you have not grown...You have GROWN in so many ways in this journey. You may not be where you want to be, but from knowing you since 2008 until now, I have watched you transform through your blogs, teams, private conversations, and you just need to keep the faith and hope, just like your page states. You are beautiful. I could make a list so long of how you have transformed. You are just not where you would like to be. Think of the time you have known me, and you know I am no where close to where I want to be, but look at the positive transformations I have made. Look at Jann, where she is, and wow, look at Susie, she is cruising....Have faith and hope and believe in yourself.
    3303 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7975551
    I completely understand how impossible it is to work full time and keep the house clean. I feel like I am constantly barely keeping our house from being disgusting but it still isn't as clean as I would like it. Good for you for giving it a good clean.
    That is wonderful of your aunt. You would do the same for her if you could.
    3303 days ago
  • KRZYKAT3
    See Shan, God is working with you. He sent your Aunt when you needed most help. She was just his angel to tell you. I am amzed daily by the miracles which happen to us and we fail to realize the miracle!

    SHoot getting out of bed and breathing is the first one every day!

    As far as the work issue. I am thinking you have been enjoying the input of new faces and are lonley when you don't see your new friends. I know I sometimes feel that way also. MY co-workers are my work family. We don't hang out much after work but we have fun at work and it adds spice to the rest of life!!

    I have to get out of here for now but will come back later to finish the reading the rest of your blog.


    PS - Maybe you can be inspired by your old blogs. I read my very first one not long ago and laughed at the timid girl who wrote it!! lol
    3312 days ago
  • DIMI1124
    You are AWESOME and your Aunt is too! I had an Aunt that would help me out when I was struggling it is good to have someone who cares. I think you are being a little hard on yourself. Take it one day at a time and do your best. You will not be 100% in everything so throw that outtada window! Baby Steps to Success! Have a great week and know that you are NEVER ALONE! OH and we all have a need for human contact. God made us that way emoticon
    3314 days ago
  • OSTERA15
    emoticon I think from reading your blog that you may have things a lot more under control than you realize. Maybe you should ( if you didn't already) read what you just blogged and you just might see that even if you are not yet putting everything into action yet you still have a plan, a direction. Life can be very overwhelming at times and we can all use a little help, nothing wrong with that! What is important is that you pick yourself back up as best you can and carry on!
    3314 days ago
  • AMY-MIMI77
    emoticon to you from me
    See God works in mysterious ways and with him all things are possible.
    3314 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10406168
    Your Aunt did a wonderful thing! Wow you must have felt so grateful. I'm sure she knows it too Shannon. I agree with the others about you getting some help from your family. you can only do so much and if everyone chips in then it will be easier on everyone. I hope your family sees this and helps you out.
    love ya~
    3315 days ago
  • RUTHXG
    Dear Shannon, sometimes when waves of sadness come over me repeatedly, I realize that I'm at another growth point: God wants to show me something. I'm glad you're reading that book & meditating on it; I imagine that some insight will emerge soon.

    How wonderful that your aunt felt led to shower you with those practical items & the $$ too. God bless her! It's so cool that it inspired you to get some heavy cleaning done! About cleaning, though, I agree with Barbara: your husband & kids should have regular cleaning chores; it shouldn't be entirely up to you. This is not just so that YOUR life will be easier--it's good for THEM!

    As for reading scripture & praying, my suggestion is just to schedule in a short reading from a psalm & 3 minutes of prayer, using the language of the psalm. You could do it before logging onto SparkPeople each day! God knows that work is exhausting for you, & he always welcomes you to be with him.

    emoticon I'm proud of you, Shan!
    3315 days ago
  • BARBARAROSE54
    emoticon As a working mom, I can sympathize with you over your house situation. However my husband has stepped up and helps me. When my son was home he also had household chores to do. The only room my husband doesn't do is the bathroom. But sure is nice to come home to a clean home.

    Can your family be responsible for some of the house duties so it's not all you?


    3315 days ago
  • GOODHEALTH4EVER
    emoticon SHANNON:)
    3315 days ago
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