I survived yesterday and blossomed into today
Friday, March 30, 2007
What a great feeling I have. I feel so confident as I am moving through my various emotions. what would have been a major meltdown yesterday was just minor blahs. and i wasn't terrified that i wouldn't get through it. i knew i would get through it within a day or two. so i just accepted where I was, let it be what it was. slept way too long, watched way to much tv. and did it all without judgement or fear (fear of getting stuck or of returning to the old me).
And here I am today so absolutely happy. Joyous in fact, excited. Not that I haven't had triggers today. Not that I haven't been angry. But I have had tiggers and been angry with grace. I slept until 1:01 p.m. way to late. I had gotten up, taken my kids to their camp (spring break) and came back and went to bed. And when i got up at 1:01 i thought, crap, here I am again, i'm going to be blah like yesterday. But within minutes i was doing things and feeling good. And the good kept growing until now I feel great and am glowing!! (i'm a poet and didn't know it).
I have finally found my way through this haze of depression and anxiety. I'm not cured. I'm still on meds. but it no longer controls me. and it no longer keeps me down. and i deal with my feelings and I process old emotions and memories and despite horrific abuse that would make best seller books I am now ok. Never, ever would have believed I would have said that. And what is even cooler, I can see the ok in other people too, even when they can't see it. so i can just hold that space for them, so that one day too, they will recognize their own greatness. That is the most powerful gift you can give yourself or anyone else.
sure I have self doubts, fears, worries, but they don't control me or change my behavior. They don't rule me. I acknowledge them and move on. And if they come up 1000 times a day, i acknowledge them 1000 times and move on. And know that tomorrow it will only be 999 times.
I've taught my 8 year old about this. This idea of what you resist persists. She'll say, I hate this or that. And I tell her that if she hates it, it will stay with her but if she loves it and tells it she doesn't need it anymore, it'll move on. This works for her for both emotional AND physical things. She did this with a cold about two weeks ago. Mommy, i hate this cold, i want it to go away. Well, i said tell it that you are glad it came to visit you but that you don't need it anymore and that it can go away. Now, a child will believe anything because they don't have the belief system of an adult. So she did what i said and the next morning, no cold. she got rid of a cold within 36 hours of onset. could be a fluke. but what if it isn't. what if we all have that ability??? statistically, colds run their course, they last 7-10 days regardless of what you do, and then they leave. But my 8 year old knows nothing about statistics.
Anyway, I am thrilled with myself and thrilled with my day and happy with my life and excited about my future! What more can one ask for?