I am the alcoholic and gluten is my drink of choice. :(

Monday, November 12, 2012

This weekend I was at my parents house and we were talking about Thanksgiving. I literally told them that since I suck at this gluten free thing, why bother making Thanksgiving dinner gluten free. It is more expensive, more time consuming, more hassle...I was sad saying it but really felt it was best. Thank God for moms, cause my mom fought back and declared that this was a stupid choice on my part. This was Saturday...I called her up on Sunday and told her she was right. Thanksgiving will still be gluten free.

But all this craziness led us into a conversation about change and comfort zones and OCD. lol. Seriously, in my family we all seem to have OCD in some form. With my autistic brother it comes in many more noticeable ways, such as repetive phrases, behaviors, needing to eat the same meals each day, etc. With my grandfather it was alcoholism (24 years sober). With my dad it was drug addiction (28 years clean). With my mom it is with picking her cuticles and nails. With me it is my need for 3 paper towels at a time (LMAO, dont judge please!!). It also comes to us in the form of anxiety and depression. So we related this to my eating. A person with OCD may know they do something crazy, want to change it so bad, fight themselves about it and then turn around and do it anyway. This is me with gluten, corn and dairy. I feel like crap...really truly. It is getting worse by the day. And I still continue to choose to eat it. It is what I am using for a challenge this week for one of my teams. We had to choose something to eliminate, something processed. Well, most gluten products are processed so I figured, why not choose it.

But I am so frustrated with myself. I am miserable and struggle to force myself to change. I mean, where is that little dominant voice in my head and why wont it shut up or work in my favor?? Or could it be, as my mom pointed out, that after 6 months of change (I was gluten and dairy free for the first 6 months of 2012) I was so out of sorts that being miserable still felt better than feeling well. I mean, I had spent forever feeling was the only thing making sense. It was what I did best lol. I felt crappy all the time. I was sick a lot. I hurt all the time. My stomach was a constant mess. And mentally I was a wreck. But this was my comfort zone, this was my life, this was the only thing I knew. So changing and feeling better was great, but it was so different that I was uncomfortable...leading to the day where I caved and ate a cheesesteak after 6 months of being so good. And you know what? It tasted so good and I felt so bad afterwards...and I continued to eat gluten and dairy each day from then til now. Allowing myself to spend the last 4 months miserable, hurting, aching, my familiar uncomfortable comfort zone.

I hate it here. In this place where I have lost control of myself. I hate the place that has tears welling in my eyes as I type this. It hurts here. I wish I could say it hurts enough that I will stay gluten free all week for my challenge, or continue it beyond the challenge. But honestly I am not sure. I am trying. Literally one day at a time with this. Like an addict trying to give up a substance but turning right back to it...I am the alcoholic and gluten is my drink of choice.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Yes, I need to eat gluten, dairy and corn free because of health, not because i want to. I have non celiac gluten intolerance, an allergy (not intolerance) to dairy, and a strong sensitivity to corn.
    3106 days ago
    I think that being gluten free is one of the harder things to do because almost all convenience foods are out and the only really good way to do it is paleo or primal. It's hard to always be good. I can go for periods and do it but then I fall off the wagon too. You need to ditch the perfection goal even though it is important and try for 90% or so until you can make it a habit. Don't cheat unless it's something worth it. Most things aren't. And remember that the first bite of something is the best and after that it goes downhill. Don't feel obligated to finish something that has lost it's appeal. You have a great mom. I know you realize that. Listen to her and let her help you.
    3106 days ago
    emoticon Hang in there. I should completely give up dairy but I'm hanging on to cheese and yogurt for some reason. I no longer eat it everyday and that has helped but I still will probably feel better if I just let go of the notion that yogurt is good for me.

    Do your best to stick to your challenge. It will get easier as you fall back into the routines you developed at the beginning of the year. YOU ARE WORTH IT and YOU DESERVE to feel better!

    3106 days ago
  • LADYJ6942
    Are you allergic to gluten or just trying to be gluten free to its health benefits? I'm curious is all. I had a teacher in school and a classmate who's daughter is gluten allergic and eating gluten free, cooking gluten free is a challenge that no one should under take if they don't have too.

    Good luck on your journey and hopefully you find a happy spot with diet and exercise that makes you feel good about you.
    3106 days ago
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