Sowing, not reaping.
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
I've been away.
Well, not really away. I've only been away from SparkPeople. Here in reality , I've been stuck here in my fat world.
I feel ashamed and stupid. How could I have put on 20kg? I was slim, fit, running 20 and 40 kms..... And here I am, overweight.
I know why it happened. I got injured. And then injured. And then injured. And then injured. Each time I gained a little as I had to stop working out and couldn't manage to halve my eating. By the fourth time, it wasn't a little that I gained. It was a lot. I was pissed off. *Really* pissed off. I mean, come on. I mean a running injury from running too much is one thing, but a sprained ankle while cleaning the house??? A dislocated shoulder while cleaning my bike??? These things are just stupid and pissed me off.
Then, of course, when you're pissed off, what do you do? EAT, of course! I'm there thinking "well, if I can't workout I might as well just eat what the f#*k I want." I mean, where is the sense in that? I did it, though.
There have been minor wins on the way.
I'm still pretty fit. OK, not anything like as fit as I was, but I can still run a few kilometres. I can still do an intense workout. I can still wallsit for 70 seconds. I can still do a bunch of pushups.
Also, I haven't actually gone back to my fattest.
But I want my old self back. I'm over it. I don't think focusing on fatness has been helpful. It makes me feel useless, lazy, ugly, stupid and greedy. I'm not sure I'm any of those things, so I'm just focusing on living a healthful life. I know this is what SparkPeople has always said, and it was easy when I was doing it. It's not so easy now, though.
So I'm not getting on the scales. I'm not measuring myself. I'm focusing on eating well and reaching 10,000 steps per day. At the start, I'm not even worrying about how much I eat. It just has to be healthful. I'll worry about snacking in a while, when I've desh*tulated my diet. I'll work out doing what I can (shoulder is still very crap) and just have to live with it. These habits will lead back to healthier me, and if I lose weight in the process, hurrah!
To paraphrase Robert Louis Stevenson, I will judge my days by the seeds that I've sown, not the harvest I've reaped.