Divorce after Weight Loss? Feedback Needed

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Most of my SparkFriends know I've lost a significant amount of weight over the last few years (104lbs ish) and kept it off. Doing this took changing my lifestyle, but also changed who I am. When you have that much weight to lose, to successfully keep it off, I believe you have to deal with all the emotional baggage you have that is leading you to the refrigerator.

So, I did. I worked very hard at getting to the root of why I was eating. I figured it out, and in doing so became a more balanced, centered, self-confident, happy person. People in my life frequently refer to me as the calm one in their life. How great of a compliment is that?

Through this whole journey, I've been married to a very nice man. He's kind, gentle, supportive of my changes and my body, he listens to me. He's a terrific father to our son. When I married him 15 years and 100+ lbs ago, I wasn't particularly attracted to him, we didn't have much in common, and I knew he wasn't a strong person. All those things were okay with me then, because I didn't feel like I deserved everything. So, I settled for Mr. Good Enough.

I care about him. I don't wish him ill will. But, this journey has molded me into the person I should have always been. I now feel completely worthy of having someone who is capable of being an equal partner in my life, of being there for me emotionally when I need him to, instead of relying on me to handle everything and always pick him up off the floor, even when I need to be able to let go and fall to the floor myself.

I've spent the last year pushing and pulling at him, making my emotional and physical needs incredibly clear (I'm a fantastic communicator), and all he does is apologize, cry, and fall apart. He says he knows I'm unhappy and that he can't be who I deserve, but as long as I don't leave him, he's okay with it. I don't think he's capable of being who I need/want/deserve, but I'm torn.

I have a good life. My 7 year old has a good life. I'm unhappy. Can I justify shredding pieces of everyone's life because I'm lonely, unfulfilled, and unhappy, or is that totally selfish?

Has anyone been in this situation? I need some guidance here. What do you do when you're a totally "new" person and your spouse can't keep up?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thanks Jibbie. I am in the process of the divorce right now. I left about 2 months after this blog post, and I have never been happier. In general, I think divorce is horrible and should be avoided, but it was the right thing to do for me and my family. Will I ever get married again? Well, never say never, but likely not.
    2695 days ago
  • JIBBIE49
    I know you wrote this nearly a year ago, but I do hope you got a divorce. With only one child to deal with, you need to have your happiness. Your husband will find someone else and get married again without any problem, so don't worry about him. I do hope you went to counseling for YOU and know what you want from life. No matter how many times you get married, no one can take care of your needs but yourself. I've been married 45 years and if I could live my life over again, I'd never have been married to anyone. The world is full of men.
    2695 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11985618
    You can't make yourself fall in love. You can't make him change.

    Personal experience says that "staying with him for your kid/s" isn't the answer. My mom tried staying with my dad for me. But children aren't stupid, and while divorces just plain suck, it's not healthy for them to see their parents unhappy with each other.

    It's not anyone's place but yours to make that choice, so I'll just ask you to step back and ask yourself some objective questions. (I don't know what your past was like, so I'll just be generic here)

    Put yourself in your son's shoes. Knowing what you know as an adult, what do you think would have been best for you in the long run if your parents were in your situation when you were a child?

    Parents are major role models. What message do you want to send your son? How would you want him to handle the decision if he were grown and in your position?

    You might seek individual/couple/family counseling before making any major decisions.

    3022 days ago
  • ADELE66
    It sounds like I married in very similar circumstances to a very similar man.

    Nobody can advise you on what to do with regards to your marriage but what I do suggest is that you ensure that if you decide to divorce you are absolutely certain that it is what you want and what is right for you. Counselling is highly recommended either for you as a couple, or for you individually.

    In case you were wondering, I DID get divorced and I have no regrets about my decision - however, it definitely did not make my life easier.

    I wish you well on this journey.

    3022 days ago

    That's such a difficult situation. I'm sorry, I have no advice. My inclination would be to say give it some time and try hard to see the positives instead of focusing on the negative...but obviously I don't know the whole situation or whether you've tried stuff like that already. I wish you the best of luck in finding the happiest possible solution for you and your family.
    3023 days ago
    I think since he is a good man, and since you have a child, that you own it to your marriage and your child to try everything to see if you can maintain the marriage. But, I also think that great unhappiness is not good for your child to be raised up with either. So, get some marriage counseling, and maybe some counseling just for yourself too to examinine your issues. Take the time to do an indepth look at yourself, at your husband, at where you see your life in 10 years if you stay married to him and if you don't. And, remember; the grass is NOT greener on the other side. It's just a matter of whether 'where you're planted now' is so disagreeable to you in the long run that it will harm your soul. Remember "we only have one life, so don't waste it". But, be careful too what you wish for, cause you may just not be appreciating what you have, and can jump from the frying pan into the fire.

    Also consider that all marriages go through times where all seems pretty "dead in the water", each goes there own path, and there doesn't seem to be a marriage to be had, only later to come back together in mind and spirit, and go onto a long contentful marriage. Sometimes the way to greatest bliss is to make it through the hard times. Only you can judge if you will someday find that bliss or if you will wither and die in spirit and waste your life.

    So, the decision can only be made by you, but there is no rush in making it. Be sure if you end it that you won't regret your decision.
    3023 days ago

    I hope you find peace, joy and happiness.

    3023 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/24/2013 6:58:08 PM
    Wow... all I can offer are (((hugs))) and my prayers. emoticon
    3023 days ago

    Like other's I wasn't going to post something but yet, here I am. I married a very meek man, have very little in common with him and while he is very content to sit at home while I want to be out on adventures. I can't imagine my life without him. He lets me be me and enjoy all the things I want to try in the world and when I stopped demanding that he be who I thought he should be our marriage became stronger each day and I became much more content. He is my sole mate, he is amazing.
    3023 days ago
    I saw your blog on my Friend Feed...we aren't friends, so I only know what you wrote here, and I won't judge you. I wasn't going to comment, because we don't know each other, but your status update said you wanted advice, please read, so I will.

    If there were no children involved, I'd tell you to do whatever you felt was right for you. Since there are children, I think you at least owe it to them to give counseling a try. I read the last comment, and it made me so sad, and you shouldn't have to spend the rest of your life miserable, but really, rocking everybody else's world--especially the children's--should be last resort. Good luck to you. Take care.
    3023 days ago
    I married a weak man one day after my 19th birthday because my parents raised me to be a wife and mother and I couldn't see any other future for myself at the time. However, I started going to college at night and grew into a strong confident woman. I finally started a career. My husband was a "factory rat" and never had any aspirations to attend college. I knew the marriage was not great but he was "good enough". We had our only child after 7 years. At 14 years of marriage, when I was 33 years old, I was shocked to realize that my youth was gone. All I could see ahead were the bleak, colorless years of going through the motions. Was I going to give up my middle and old age as well? Our problems were compounded by the fact that he was a "spender" and I am a "saver."

    We did the counseling thing, but the bottom line is I knew I wasn't happy and I wanted to be. We separated twice, once before we had our child and once after. When he wanted to get back together the third time he asked me out to dinner. I was lonely and agreed. BUT: I said to myself that I wasn't going to run the entire conversation as I always had in our 14 years of marriage. If he could at least make an attempt to communicate with me, I would give the marriage another chance. If he sit there like a lump, as he always did in the past, it was over.

    Guess what? He sat there and we ATE IN SILENCE like a couple who'd been married for 60 years. I was so sad and mourned for the man who had been in my life for almost HALF my life. But it was over.

    After two years I got remarried to a man who obviously is my soulmate. We talk ALL THE TIME. He challenges me, cares for me, cheerleads for me. He willingly shares my interests and I've learned to share his. We are inseparable. We've been married for 23 years. Instead of the years dragging by, they now FLY by. My second husband loves my daughter and treats her as his own. She is now 33 and closer to him than to her biological father.

    My first husband, by the way, got remarried a year or two after I did. He had three more children, one of whom died of cancer at the age of 4. As tragic as that was, he and his wife are still together, so I assume they have a very strong marriage. I'm happy for him.

    You have to make up your own mind, and all of the advice below is good advice. But ultimately you have to do what is right for you. I could NOT have stayed in that first marriage without feeling totally dead inside. It would not have worked for me.

    3023 days ago
    STSSCOTT - I think I completely married him for the wrong reasons in the first place. I think I never saw the marriage as weak because I was previously okay with shouldering all the responsibility and burden in the house, and now I want someone who can be there for me, or I want nobody at all, so at least there's no expectation I'll have anybody there to be my partner, and not my dependent.

    I know the grass isn't greener. I care about him, but I'm not in love with him. I'm not sure I ever was. All that said, I'll probably stick as long as there is a shred of a chance he could evolve into a partner, but I'm really not holding my breath.
    3023 days ago
    I am sorry your unhappy.
    It kinda sounds like your husband is going through something HIMSELF.

    Is he overweight? Is he to any degree like you might have been before the transformation?
    I think sometimes I can be too honest in my response and I don't mean to offend...but it seems to me that you may have married for the wrong reasons IN THE FIRST PLACE.
    And too I think you might be putting too much on yourself and the physical changes. Not to diminish physical changes can and do affect relationships...
    Are you saying you no longer love the man? Or have you like alot of people after nearly 20 years have fallen out of love with him?
    Do you think what you might need is some professional advice as to how to weather the storm? Have you tried counseling? I think that's a good place to start if you havent already.

    Truth be told alot of couples go through the same "unhappiness" WITHOUT taking off -100 lbs.

    Do you have any hope there is any chance your husband can FIND HIS WAY as you did?
    Is there a chance you have inspired him in any way or can be the light to help him through his dark times as you have made it...if not physically what about mentally or emotionally. Do you feel that's a job you could do...or do you feel you need help?

    I tell you this...the grass is always greener on the other side.

    3023 days ago
  • KNH771
    I've been part of a medical weight loss support group for six or seven years now, and your story is one we hear a lot. Women who feel that they settled because they were fat, and now think that since they're thinner, there's a chance to find someone better. No specific advice, just a casual observation - large weight loss tends to make weak marriages weaker and strong marriages stronger. But just because it's weaker doesn't mean it's hopeless. The end result is usually tied to effort.
    3023 days ago
    All great perspectives. I appreciate them. I used "I" in my blog because I have a direct writing style. He's not without fault in this. I just didn't go into detail about the co-dependent manipulative things going on because fundamentally he is a great guy. I wanted to know if there way anyone here who'd been in the same situation and what they did. We've tried counseling. He isn't capable of being the emotionally strong person I think I deserve. I am a product of several divorces. I know how hard they are - that's the reason I'm still married. I think I'm being a selfish dumbass, to tell you the truth. But, man, am I miserable. Also, I'm not looking to replace him. If I leave, I seriously doubt I'll ever get married again.

    3023 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8532529
    I agree with Veg-Girl....divorce is hell on children as well as the adults and when you are seeing the aftermath of need to know you did everything you could have done. I don't envy's been 11 years since mine...and still dealing with the repercussions of it. My ex was being abusive to the kids, so it was a must to file for the divorce. The other thing I would say is it's more difficult than you think to find a good man. I finally have met someone that I feel I can have a future with, and I have been on tons of dates. You meet all kinds and remember the commercials for the dating sites make it look like a piece of cake. I doubt if anything ever happens to Reggie that I would ever go through that again. Hugs dear friend...this is not an easy's going to be hard work either way.
    3023 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8151099
    I came really close to not saying anything but I really think this needs to be said to you. This is coming from a woman who has been married for almost 25 years.

    I see a lot of I, I, I in your post. It's fine to think highly of yourself but did it occur to you when you married and had children that life wouldn't be all about "I"? It's about "WE" and that includes your children.

    He's nice, he works, he doesn't beat you, or screw around on you, he's supportive, is a great daddy and he loves you. All you want to do is change a great guy into your idea of perfection.

    Mr. Right is a MYTH. It's a Cinderella fairy tale. Marriage is work and camaraderie and love. He's giving it his all and all you appear to be doing is saying it isn't good enough. You may have lost your weight, but you haven't lost your baggage.

    Sorry if this sounds mean but I really think you need to hear this.

    See a marriage councillor together,as well as by yourself.

    Good Luck.
    3023 days ago
  • VEG_GIRL04
    Having not been in your situation - I have to even act like I know how you feel.

    Only thing I really feel is that you both need to talk to someone. Marriage counseling may sound stupid- but you, your marriage, your husband, and your son deserve the two you trying everything. If in the long term you don't work it all out - you can be more at ease knowing you gave it everything you can.
    3023 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13580053
    I would love to share my thoughts, but I feel as if this is pretty personal. Can I send a private message? If so where would I send it too?

    3023 days ago
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