Monday, May 20, 2013
Yesterday, I went for my walk in the neighborhood hills and was planning on doing two loops of it. That would be nearly 4 miles. I did quite well on that first loop, made good time, enjoying the weather (although it was muggy and warm), enjoying everyone else good fortune at either having a green thumb or a yard man. Saw some beautiful birds.
Just about a quarter way into the second loop my mind was unwinding and just tossing thoughts about of all the things that had happened in the last month or so. I bounced from happiness, to indignation, to anger, to sadness. There is so much that was said and went down in the last month!
So what was my realization? That I was walking.
Duh, right? No. Not for me.
In the last few years, when I was in disagreement or serious depression over feelings caused by That Man, I would end up cleaning the house furiously, or just holing up in the backyard or the back room and reading.
I was walking. (With my hills, it borders on hiking.) I was walking and doing self-care instead of putting ANYONE else's needs above my own. The realizations were that I should have done this all long and eff it to anyone else, as well as, that this was who I was in the first place because it felt natural to do it and I missed it. A realization that I was so far down on the totem pole of priority for years just kind of hit me.
I had to slow down on that loop because I couldn't keep the tears from coming for a bit. I actually felt really sad for a while that I had allowed it to be that way for so long. Then I shook that off, scanned the music I carried for something a little more kick a$$ and then tackled the last two hills.
I promptly fell out when I got home. :) And honestly, I think the "letting go" cost me more energy than the hike itself and I am having to fight the lethargy from both this morning. Just this weekend, my son asked if we could take on one of his friends next school year, to provide a ride home, place to stay....etc...until his mother could come get him. I said no. I felt SO much guilt, and that actually kept me awake last night, but with everything I have going on, and no idea how things will turn out...I realized I needed to say no.
So...now I'm taking my lethargic butt for a walk.
Hope you have a good day!