CAALAN23
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Realizations

Monday, May 20, 2013

Yesterday, I went for my walk in the neighborhood hills and was planning on doing two loops of it. That would be nearly 4 miles. I did quite well on that first loop, made good time, enjoying the weather (although it was muggy and warm), enjoying everyone else good fortune at either having a green thumb or a yard man. Saw some beautiful birds.

Just about a quarter way into the second loop my mind was unwinding and just tossing thoughts about of all the things that had happened in the last month or so. I bounced from happiness, to indignation, to anger, to sadness. There is so much that was said and went down in the last month!

So what was my realization? That I was walking.

Duh, right? No. Not for me.

In the last few years, when I was in disagreement or serious depression over feelings caused by That Man, I would end up cleaning the house furiously, or just holing up in the backyard or the back room and reading.

I was walking. (With my hills, it borders on hiking.) I was walking and doing self-care instead of putting ANYONE else's needs above my own. The realizations were that I should have done this all long and eff it to anyone else, as well as, that this was who I was in the first place because it felt natural to do it and I missed it. A realization that I was so far down on the totem pole of priority for years just kind of hit me.

I had to slow down on that loop because I couldn't keep the tears from coming for a bit. I actually felt really sad for a while that I had allowed it to be that way for so long. Then I shook that off, scanned the music I carried for something a little more kick a$$ and then tackled the last two hills.

I promptly fell out when I got home. :) And honestly, I think the "letting go" cost me more energy than the hike itself and I am having to fight the lethargy from both this morning. Just this weekend, my son asked if we could take on one of his friends next school year, to provide a ride home, place to stay....etc...until his mother could come get him. I said no. I felt SO much guilt, and that actually kept me awake last night, but with everything I have going on, and no idea how things will turn out...I realized I needed to say no.

So...now I'm taking my lethargic butt for a walk.

Hope you have a good day!
Tina
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JENJESS48
    Putting yourself on the priority list is so hard, especially for moms, and I'm really proud of you!
    2991 days ago
  • LZY0108
    Great job! Thank you for sharing . I'm glad you started to walk again! I also can relate with the guilt of saying no. I have a hard time with it sometimes too. I'm glad you did though. It's important to be able to say it when we need too... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2992 days ago
  • LOADINGBESTSELF
    emoticon emoticon See thats the thing about people pleaser's. saying "No" makes us feel guilty... BUT you are taking care of you and NO will come easier. emoticon love ya girl
    2992 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9743971
    This is a great blog, full of honesty. Thanks for sharing. I really enjoyed reading it and I feel like I was there with you.
    2992 days ago
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