I am glad I am a woman !

Friday, May 24, 2013

I feel I have been neglecting both team and personal mail lately. I am doing an update now on a blog.
It's a follow up really to my previous blog when I told you my husband had been diagnosed with dementia. 3 months on we went to see the mental health consultant yesterday for a review. He admits there is no cure but medication can help slow the symptoms down. We had a good chat and I told him we work together and rely on each other in different ways. My husband agreed.
So I was surprised later when he told me he was only relying on himself and needed no one else. I was shocked and upset by this comment. Of course I know dementia patients say things they would not normally say or mean, I was annoyed with myself for not accepting that, and feeling he had meant it.
I hada bad few hours but talked to widowed friend. I know she went through similar times when her husband had a terminal illness and shut her out.
She explained it as they are men, they are scared by what is happening but will not admit it. We agreed women would turn to loved one and friends in crisis Men think they have be strong and not admit to needing anyone .i felt better after talking to my friend,.
All I can say is I am glad I am not a man. I would be lost without my friends and the ability to say, I am struggling please help.
Thanks for reading this , Irene
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    2457 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13832181
    Irene, my mum has alzheimers and when I cook a meal she thanks me and says it is wonderful to be waited on for a change! She hasn't done ANYTHING in the home for 5 years, and it really upsets dad as she NEVER thanks him and of course she thinks she does it all. It is the illness and we have had to learn to laugh it off, but not easy. emoticon
    2861 days ago
    Hi Irene, I just saw this blog as I'd missed you on our team and wondered what was up. Dementia/alzheimers is so CONFUSING. Things shift and it always takes us awhile to see what is going on. I think it's true for patient and caregiver.

    I think men are raised to protect US and thinking a spouse might need to take care of them is just plain hard and might seem wrong to them. I wonder if in this awkward way your husband might be saying, "don't worry about me, I can take care of it," so you won't have to. All of which rips at us who are trying so hard to do well by them and know it's our job to figure it out.

    Thinking of you and hoping the drugs slow this disease down, way down. I also hope you and your husband have many wonderful moments during this time. I know you are good at noticing the positive and savoring what is sweet and fine. And I know that will help when times are so hard. Toni

    2912 days ago
    It must be so wonderful knowing you have so much support here at Sparks. You will never meet these great people but they are sisters of your heart. Know that I am covering you with prayer and am here for you if you ever need me. Tender hugs from a Spark Sister. Pat
    2932 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13354694
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    2938 days ago
  • JAMER123
    Irene, I can't add any more than everyone has said before me. Just know he doesn't know he is hurting you. You have the support of many on SP! Lean on us as much as you need. Sending prayers for strength to you and your DH. God bless!!!
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    2940 days ago
    Oh dearest Irene,

    I pray GOD leads you in this situation with your husband. HE will bring you comfort when there seems to be none. Have faith that the LORD will walk with you through this and walk with your husband, too! I am sending you a big hug. Do rely on family and friend. You have a big family of friends here on Sparkpeople.
    2940 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12347941
    emoticon to you my dear friend!
    2940 days ago
    Oh Ree, I wish I could give you a hug-- the one thing I tell the families I see is that the person they knew is no longer that person-- that it is nothing personal yet very hard not to take it personal when you live it daily.

    No two will act or react the same. And each day can be different. You can not always reason with them.

    You grow tired, weary, frustrated and all the other emotions.

    The only thing you can do is one day at a time. Some days better than others.

    Then where I am is the aftermath of it all. It takes it's toll. But one day it will all be ok.
    2940 days ago
    Irene, I know where you are coming from. I went thru this with my father and my mother has the early stages of dementia. Just remember, he loves you and it is the disease that is talking.

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    2941 days ago
  • GGMFAY33
    Love you Irene. emoticon
    2941 days ago
    ME TOO!
    2941 days ago
  • 8HABIT
    Irene- when my husband is sick, he does not want anyone around him. So, I just stay in the background and look for little things to help. Perhaps men are afraid of losing control or that they will stop trying to do what they can do. Of course, everyone should always try and do whatever they can for themselves and not give up.

    I would say not to take it personally.
    2941 days ago
  • LYNCHD05
    Irene isn't it sad that after so many years this is what is now happening. I know it is part of life but such a hard part especially for the caregiver. I know you have family close by and that is wonderful for you both. Friends are so important too. We can not do this alone and that support is so important. Take care of you too!!!
    2941 days ago
    Irene, YOU are WOMAN....I can hear you ROAR!!!! You just stick by your words, take care of your man and just let him know if anytime you are needed for support that you will BE THERE!!!

    I know when I was sick with Cancer my hubby was there for me all the way, and I would be there for him if he ever got sick. He LOVES to be a baby and need help!!!

    2941 days ago
    2941 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3892454
    My mother has dementia, and she wouldn't cooperate when I was taking care of her at my home, in her lucid days she would say to me, that she was the mom, not the other way around. So I think it's more about pride. I can only imagine how hard it is for men.
    I'm so sorry about your dear husband. There was an online caretaker support site that I used at that time, I believe it was called, Agingcare.com, perhaps you can search for one regarding your situation. I will say a prayer for the both of you. emoticon
    2941 days ago
    My heart goes out to both your husband & you, as y'all navagate these new uncharted waters in life.

    I am in total agreement with Deb's beautiful prayer!

    God bless!
    2941 days ago
    Sorry to hear you are struggling. you are right when you say I know he doesn't mean the things he says it the his disease talking. Its like when you are lost when out driving they don't want to stop and ask for directions they feel are the ones that are in control and take care of every ting Glad you have a friend to talk with and get support from and its so helpful she has went thought some of those things with here husband. please keep us up to date in how you are doing and when you need a hug call out we are here for you emoticon emoticon
    2942 days ago
    Father You Know Irene's Heart And You Know What's Going On In Her Husband's Mind And In HIS Heart As Well! I Know You As a God Of Love And Mercy! You Don't Put Any Of These Things On Us. I Am Asking In Jesus' Name For Your Intervention In Irene's Husband's Body. YOU Created Him In YOUR Own Image And Likeness! YOU Created Him To Prosper and Be In Health Even As His Soul Prospers! You Father Ask That We Give And It Will Be Given So I'm Giving My Prayer Of Faith For TOTAL Restoration To FULL Quality of Life With His Wife Irene! I Feel Her Pain And I Know YOU Are A Healer And A Miracle Worker! Thank YOU Father That You Hear Me When I Pray And That You Are Hastening Your Word to Perform. In Jesus' Name I Thank You For Your Love Over Irene and Her Husband's Lives. Your Love NEVER Fails! Thank You for Your Perfect Peace!
    God's Blessings And I'll Continue In Prayer For You Both!
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    2942 days ago
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    I am keeping you covered with prayer!
    2942 days ago
    Irene - it is very difficult to deal with someone with dementia. They really don't know what they're saying, even though they can appear to be their old selves in other respects. My mum changed and she wasn't always the person she was. I had problems accepting that too.

    2942 days ago
    Irene I am so sorry. I know exactly what you are going through. My husband had dementia for several years. I took care of him at home for as long as I could but finally had to put him in a nursing home as he became violent one night.
    One day he told me I think I am going crazy. Some people say they don't know but they do. One day he said I can't do anything anymore. That is difficult for the male ego.
    Have patience, don't contradict him and understand it is a disease.
    2942 days ago
    I so agree. I am thinking of you as you go through this and will keep you in my prayers. It is so hard to deal with this. emoticon
    2942 days ago
  • CUSH1932
    Thank you for sharing. I will keep you and your husband in prayer. Its good you had a friend to share with. emoticon
    2942 days ago
  • PAULA3420
    Dear Irene,
    You are so wise and I am so happy I am a woman as well. Good for you for reaching out to your friends for the support you deserve. I am also glad you posted on the Huddle Wall to read this blog. It was a good reminder for me. Sometimes, I let little things that my DH will say bother me. NOW, I will think of you and move on to a happier place. I love my Spark Friends. emoticon
    2942 days ago
    Bless your heart! I will be praying for you as you walk this road with your husband!
    2942 days ago
  • DSJB9999
    Oh Irene that must have been really difficult for you. emoticon I agree remember we are here when you need us.

    I am glad I am a woman too, (even at this time of the month!) emoticon
    We see the world in a different way and I'm glad thats the case.

    Sending you good wishes and hugs Donna xxx
    2942 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8643915
    I was a caregiver to my Mother who had dementia. It is such a sad illness. She had no idea who I was or who she was. She said things that she would never have said before she was ill. I can imagine that it would be harder for men than women since they are used to taking the lead in everything.
    Sending loving thoughts and prayers your way. I know you can do it! Your Spark friends are here for you. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2942 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8527808
    Yes, friends are so important, and you will have to make time for just you. I was a caregiver, and it was the hardest job I ever had, but I knew in the end that I had done everything that I could do. Men don't like to admit that they need help, we just have to do the best we can, and praying for strength for you.


    2942 days ago
    I'm glad that you have been able to share with your SparkFriends. We are here for you when you need support or just to vent your frustrations. I hope that things with your hubby go as smoothly as possible. Just keep remembering that what he says isn't always what he means and that the dementia is at the base of it. Stay strong!
    2942 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4114015
    I am SO with you, Irene...and glad I am not a man. I went through what you are with my mother and can totally understand when they react in ways that are not typical of them. My heart goes out to you and pray the medications help. They didn't have some of the newer things to benefit my mother! Blessings to you and your day and to Colin! emoticon
    2942 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/24/2013 10:09:07 AM
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