Living in Fear and Regret

Thursday, July 18, 2013

This whole weight issue has been weighing heavily on me lately. I try to force myself to accept this weight and just live with it, but I cannot run from the fact that I am truly unhappy with it. Most of my reasons for wanting to lose the weight is vanity related. However, it has become both a health concern and quality of life concern. I passed out at work and had a seizure a little over a month ago. Although they really couldn't explain how this problem started, I have to treat this issue with medicine on a long-term basis to reduce the risk of me having another one. This episode has me living in both fear and regret. I fear that I will not be around to take care of my daughter or somehow my illness will someday become a burden for her. I regret that I didn't lose the weight sooner so that I could enjoy the simple things in life with her. I am a big ball of emotion right now, but I want to change my outlook.

Whenever I start to think about my weight, I come back to SparkPeople. I sometimes come to look at the stories of those that are in the struggle, those that are coping, and those that have conquered. Today I decided to look at my recipe box. I remember making some of these, and they were terrific. I remember getting excited when browsing and saving recipes to try in the future. As I write this, I can even remember being strategic when eating out. Most of all, I remember being consistent for a while and losing 35lbs easily.

I want to get back to that place. I want to get back to eating healthier foods and exercising. I want to get back to taking care of me for real. I want to experience the joy of watching my clothes get to big. I want to see the changes to my body as a result of losing fat and gaining muscle. I want to be able to take Sincere (my daughter) to Six Flags and other amusement parks and ride with her. I want to be able to stroll on the beach and not feel as if the world is whispering about my weight and/or appearance. I want to change my life.

I realize that I am the only one that can do this for me. I can place blame on PCOS and bad decision making for my obesity. However, I cannot excuse the fact that I am the one that is keeping me obese. I don't exercise anymore. I eat whatever is convenient. I don't plan or make concessions when eating out. I just go about my daily life without even considering what I could do that day to change my course for the future. I'm really sick of living this way and I know what must be done. Doing it will be my greatest challenge.

First off, I must overhaul my food supply. I have a mixed bag of healthy and unhealthy food items. I will not be throwing anything away, as I cannot afford to, so I must rethink how I prepare these items or what I eat them with. I need to add more fruits and veggies to each meal. I need to drink more water. I need to move more. I need to measure and prepare meals in advance, so that I'm not tempted to pick up what's convenient. I need to approach this with baby steps and take it one meal at a time. I must be consistent. I must not get discouraged when I mess up. Most of all, I need to START!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You really can do it! It does take a lot to stay motivated and to make a total lifestyle change, but you can do it. I'll be honest with you, it took a lot of prayer for me to change and although I haven't been loosing any weight for a few months, I have not given up and I have maintained the same weight. I still exercise, I'm changing my eating habits back to moderation. Eating in moderation is what it took for me to loose 65 pounds. So I encourage you to keep pushing, never give up! Be blessed and I will keep you in prayer.
    emoticon emoticon
    2936 days ago
  • no profile photo CD14051230
    Amen Sister!! You took the words out of my head and my heart and put them in a blog. This blog is me everyday!! I know what needs to be done but doing it (you would think) is the most difficult thing in the world.

    Yes, yes, and yes, all that you listed above is what we need to do. I'm tired of being fat, I'm tired of aching when I get up and most of all I hate feeling the way I do.

    The time is NOW, the time to get things started. Let's not wait another minute. Let's jump on it now!!

    Good Luck to you. emoticon
    2936 days ago
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