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Sleep.. miracle cure?

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Negative blog, full of darker truths. This is not a cry for help or request for assistance or advice, but simply me, venting. Please do continue on to avoid the negativity.

Yesterday, while functioning on approx. 4-5 hours of sleep due to restlessness, tossing and turning, went like this:

Right out the gate, 4:15 am, I spilled a bowl of birdseed all over the living room floor. Wonderful start.
Cut off by someone on the drive in to work.
Yappy coworkers nattering on and on and on and on. And on. And ON.
Not enough breakfast.
Too much crap for lunch.
Resignation post composed and apologies message to Gaye written in my head as I decided I'd had enough of Spark.
Tired of 'leading' a team of close to 17,000 people with less than a dozen actual participants. Less than half a dozen is probably more accurate.
"F*ck it, I should get one of those big-*ss cookies downstairs, my *ss is spreading every day I might as well enjoy it."
Text message to Bill - fighting the urge for a giant cookie and contemplating giving in and getting fatter and unhealthier again.
Text message from Bill - no cookie, you're going to bed by 8 tonight.
Resist the cookie, have a pear instead.
Horrible traffic on the way to visit kennel kids.
Work with my pal Rusty and he's improving his walking and not bark-screaming at everyone quite so much.
Traffic home wasn't too bad.
My own kids don't bark or yell at me when I get home. That's very nice.
Bill has a yummy dinner ready to go when I get there.
Feed the kids, have dinner, watch the news, play a bit of a video game, eat two bags of microwave popcorn, and go to bed by 8:45.

Today, after closer to 7 hours sleep:
I can breathe again, and I don't feel quite so dire.
Traffic wasn't bad this morning.
Good breakfast, yummy lunch - no crap.
I don't want to throttle any coworkers (yet.. there's still time).
I'm going to send a team email to see if there's anyone out of nearly 17,000 people who wants to help lead the team. I've tried for a year.. or has it been two now? with little results. I can usually enjoy and subsist on the little, the small victories, but now I'm tired and worn down by feeling so lonely in the effort. When it stops being fun, it's time to do something else.
I'm not ready to throw in the 'fatter and unhealthier' towel quite yet. July is always an awful month for me. I'd hoped my Summer Mileage Challenge would help me work my way through it without stalling, but that too has fallen by the wayside.

I feel like a hypocrite being here. I like reading how many of you are doing and your efforts and successes and struggles and all of it. I feel like a fraud leading teams when I'm unable to be successful myself. I'm no good example for anyone - more like a dire warning.

Before Spark, I thought about losing weight but never really tried in earnest.
After Spark, I learned and gained knowledge, and lost weight.
And then I hit a bump (if only I could define that bump.. know what it is so I could get around and over it once and for all) and have regained not all, thank goodness, but some of the weight lost.
The problem with that is before, I didn't know better. Now that I do, I feel even more a failure because I was able to do it before, why can't I do it again now? What's the difference? What's wrong with me that I'm not able to do it again?
What is this apathy within me and how do I combat it and eventually win over it? My will to keep fighting is waning.

Enthusiastic fool has given way to negative cynic. Where oh where is that middle ground.
Maybe I need even more sleep than I thought.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You definitely are not a hypocrite. Going through this crud and talking about it is what makes us stronger and vulnerable and real to each other. It's hard to do that.

    I had a really hard time leading some teams to the point I wanted to quit the team and Spark completely. A dozen or so participants out of 1700 is tough. And it reminds me that I should participate more or get off the teams. I've been in my own world lately and this was a good reminder. So thank you for that gem. I've also left teams because nobody is participating. And I ended up quitting some of the teams because life got in the way - too much life to make the cost of trying to lead not worth the benefit. As I look back, I miss it a little tiny bit, but not that much and I wouldn't go back. Do what's best for you!

    So there's something in this that fighting through it will help you move up to the next phase. Whatever you do, don't give up on you!. Every choice and every day is one more towards your goals. It's not easy but it's probably not supposed to be or we wouldn't be here.

    I hope you are getting better rest. I'm worthless without sleep and probably worse than worthless because of the trouble I can cause when tired. Ugh!

    Take care!
    emoticon emoticon
    2877 days ago
    Vent away, my friend. Just don't give up!
    And I know for me, everything always frustrates / pizzez me off MORE when I'm sleep deprived. I also make worse choices in terms of food because EFF it, I'm tired and don't give a rat's patootie!

    No words of wisdom... just a big (((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))
    2882 days ago
    I'm just writing to tell you I know how you feel!!!! But know that we all struggle. Me, for sure!! You are not alone in the journey (not sure what team you lead, but I'll go have a look see). I did well also, learned much, then ditched it all, and I don't even know why!! I hope you keep trying, it is worth, at least I think so most days. I'm struggling right along with you!!
    2882 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8072637
    Hey girlfriend. I hear ya and feel you right now on all counts. Please know that what you are going through is perfectly normal. Not fun, not great, but normal. I know, it sucks. But the fact that you can vent it all here is a big ol' plus in my book. You didn't actually write that resignation SP post, and you didn't actually kill any co-workers (if you did, GREAT job with getting rid of the evidence!), and you reached out to Bill about the cookie instead of grabbing the cookie and slinking off somewhere to eat it in peace but feeling like an outlaw. Honey, it is ok. You don't have to be the perfect anything. We still love you. The problem sounds like you don't love you at the moment.

    Since mom died in March I have been seeing a spiritual director and a therapist. The therapist uses a technique called EBT, which stands for Emotional Brain Training. I was so flipping frustrated with the fact that I KNOW what to do to live a healthier lifestyle physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially, but I can't seem to override my poor choices when I go through a bout of I JUST DON'T CARE. The therapist told me that it is because our brains are wired to a set point of stress and we can work using certain tools to eventually wire our brains for a set point of joy. I tell you, this has really helped me. I'm still struggling with some things and trying to make big changes in my life, but understanding that there is nothing inherently wrong with me, it is my brain's wiring I'm working against, has been a game changer.

    The book the therapist recommended to me is called "Wired for Joy" by Laurel Mellin. There are EBT groups across the country, but I'd recommend reading the book and see what you think. My therapist leads EBT weight loss groups but I am not able to attend due to being an hour from the closest group and my work/family schedule.

    No matter what, we still love you. Private message me if you want to talk more. Love you girl!!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon Christine
    P.S. When I signed on tonight to check on you, it had been 89 days since my last status update, and that was about my mom's passing. At least you've been on here regularly! And if you have to drop the team leadership, go for it! You need to take care of YOU!
    2888 days ago
  • GAYLEP67
    Is it possible that the 3 of us need the other 2/3 of the brain back? Sorry friend...I know I've been terribly MIA (is there a good MIA?). You and I are SO in the same place. I totally get the sleep deprivation too - so me. I'm trying to figure out how I dropped 75 lbs only to hit the wall and put 25-30 of it BACK! Maybe it's cyclical and we just need to have the drive come around again. In the meantime, vent away and try your best to refrain from killing people at work. In most cases it's frowned upon. emoticon

    If you figure out where the middle ground is, send up a flare for me to see up here in Canada so I can join you, okay?


    2889 days ago
    oh, are you good at throttling people? please come for a visit. I have quite a supply that should keep you busy...
    2892 days ago
    Hey there beautiful lady, sorry to hear you're feeling..........frustrated.

    I was doing really well until about the end of April when I started dealing with family issues relating to my Dad, then all bets were off. May and June were just down right ugly. Ate everything in site and exercise was a big, fat, ZERO.

    Somewhere near the end of June I realized I need to start moving in a better direction.....aiming for that middle ground and to be honest it's been a struggle. I just want to eat the big bag of chocolate and the big bowl of ice cream on hot days. But I just keep telling myself that it's not about how fast I walk, how quickly I loose the weight, etc., it's that I just keep moving. It's about being the healthiest I can be right now where I'm at. It's a long term goal of not being crippled with arthritis, like my Dad, and being able to chase after grand kids, and dancing with my husband when we're in our 80's. emoticon

    Don't give up.


    2893 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8532529
    Candi....I think the biggest battle is not giving up. We are not perfect, so our journey will not be perfect. You are not a hypocrite because you are here and you are not giving up! Pounds lost is great...don't get me wrong....but living a healthy lifestyle is what we signed up for. Some days it will come easily and some days it will be like fighting a war. All I know is I am healthier than I was in 2008, and that is an accomplishment in and of itself. Maybe it's time to be the receiver, instead of the leader. Take care of you and another good night's sleep will give you a new perspective!
    2893 days ago
    I've had days like that. It's amazing how the right amount of sleep can make things much easier to deal with.

    2893 days ago
    Thanks for sharing this - many days DO depend on how much sleep we get.
    2893 days ago
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