Sunday, July 28, 2013
These past few days I have been overly aware of my weight and how it makes my life more difficult. I am so tired of being huge.
Food has been a source of comfort since the nightmare when my daughter was born and we almost died. I ended up with a bad infection, a partial hysterectomy and a large portion of my abdominal wall removed. Sitting at home, recovering, not being able to even go upstairs or hold my newborn, I turned to the comfort of food. Four years later I am reaping the consequences of that choice to turn to food and I am so frustrated! If I were 20 it wouldn't be so bad, but I am nearing 40 and it is hard.
Looking back, I wish I would have made the choice to pick up my Bible instead of my fork. I am a Christian, so it would make sense to throw myself on God instead of food. I was scared, and I was angry and I was confused because I never thought God would allow something like this to happen.
After all this time, looking back, I see that having my world turned upside down was what I really needed to realize what life is all about; and to learn who I am, who God is and what part we both play in life. What I realized most of all is the value of life and how very precious it is. I don't know that I would have seen my baby the same way if everything had gone smoothly. I don't know that I would appreciate her like I do if I had not almost lost her.
I know I would have continued to walk in my faith in my own understanding without really knowing the God I claimed to know. In this time He has proved Himself to be all He has ever promised to be. Yes, He allowed me to suffer, but in that suffering I have realized this life is just a journey. I have realized the beauty of heaven: a place where there are no more tears, no more suffering. I have also realized that I am not in control, no matter how much I want to be. I need God to guide me and help me in this life because He sees what I cannot.
Now I am trying to find my footing on a small rock of faith that God can help me overcome my bad eating habits. That I can learn to find comfort in Him and lean on His strength when I am weak. It is not easy because food addiction is similar to drug addiction; our bodies release the same chemicals to give us that feeling of satisfaction and happiness. But unlike drugs, food is everywhere you go and people are always encouraging to "have one more" or saying "you can start again tomorrow." This has to be my choice and I have to stand firm in it. I need to make small choices from this one big choice that will lead me to victory. My first choice has to be to seek help from God because I have proved to myself over the last four years that I am not strong enough. With His help I know I can do this.