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D*mnit Spark!...

Thursday, August 15, 2013

I quit. I was done. I was exhausted and tired of constantly feeling the loser without actually losing lbs - instead losing motivation and desire and the will(power?) to do what I'd done before to be successful.

So I was going to eat whatever I wanted and get fat again and to h*ll with it all. Maybe I'd even start smoking again.

Eat and do (or not!) whatever I wanted! Yea! I was going to put up the big ole middle finger to a healthy lifestyle and just sink back into oblivion and give up.

Except.. I know if I eat too many processed carbs, my skin breaks out and I hate that.
Except.. I know I'll physically be ill if I eat pasta or rice like I use to, spending far too much time in the bathroom evacuating that bad choice.
Except.. I like being able to breathe now.
Except.. if I don't keep moving I won't be able to take care of my own kids, let alone the kennel kids.

D*mnit, once you know better, it's hard to not do better. I'm not doing stellar by any means. I've gained, again. I've stopped running, again. I've made bad choices, again. But I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago and I can't put the blinders back on and pretend I don't know about better food choices and feeling better and being more active and actually living instead of existing.


I'm not happy about this. I might be grateful for it at some point but right now I'm just ticked.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have healthy veggie-eggs to eat for breakfast and a lap to make around the office. I'll be the one grumbling to herself as she trudges along, unable to actually quit and give up.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh is just the summer doldrums! I've suffered also, but feel it passing.

    You can keep doing this because you know it is good for you...even if you aren't the size 2 you expected to be by now (or maybe that was my dashed dream....)

    At any drop me a note when you read this and let me know that you will...

    ☆´¯) ¸.☆´¯)
    (¸☆´ (¸.♥´´¯`•.¸¸.☆
    ☆• ☆ ……… ☆ • ☆
    ┊┊┊ Keep Spreading the Spark

    2855 days ago
    I love how you put this. I can relate so much. I haven't slipped all the way off track but sometimes the payoff seems worth so much less than the effort. You have great reminders about the other results of less than great choices - break outs, food processing challenges, breathing, and doing things we want to do (taking care of the kids and kennel kids for you). It's those things we have to focus on to keep us on the right path.

    I hope the unhappiness about it and the gratefulness for it-feeling returns soon! You deserve a nice steady flow of motivation and inspiration so it doesn't have to be such a pain.

    If only you could bottle up some of that "know better" for us all to use as a last resort when "I don't care" is winning the battle. I'm battling stress eating lately. Every time it seems under control, another challenge comes back and I'm failing more battles than winning.

    Take care and hugs to you!
    2867 days ago
    I know what you mean my ole buddy. I gained weight back and now I am at a plateau again. But at least I am still more down than up and I know what to do...just need my spark back!

    Best of luck getting back to your healthy weight loss journey, remember to wave when you see me along the way!

    hugs, Anne
    2868 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8532529
    I'm glad you are not giving up. I was at the gym this morning....knowing that I'm heading for a final weigh in for the week tomorrow....where I likely won't have a loss. Yes, that's after killing myself at the gym and eating mostly pretty darned good. And I thought to know this is doing far more than the number on the scale. You know in the past you have wowed your doctor at how fit you are for an almost 300 pound woman. And you will be able to sit in your chair all day and feel good....normally I have a lot of aches and pains. I think this is basically called the long haul. We know what to do now...even if we aren't the weight/size we want to be....but our health is much more than a size. I'm glad your back....I've missed you!
    2868 days ago
    It sounds like you know what you want and dont want. Just because you're not going down anymore on the scale doesnt mean youre not improving. Yes it is nice to be dropping weight but it is not everything.

    We all burn out at times. Go through a pause. Reach a plateau.

    But if we doing what got us there we will continue. The scale sometimes is given too much power. It is one of many metrics.

    Keep up what youre doing and you will get there.

    You are not alone here. You will go through struggles. That is reality. But you are also given the choices to take to improve. It takes time to lose and keep it off.

    Keep at it and you'll move forward. Don't and you'll move backward. Even if you are standing still you are doing better than moving backward.

    Sounds like you have made great choices so far.
    2868 days ago
    Good for you!!! Don't give up. Be p*ssed - at yourself, at situations, whathave you... but don't give up! You are so worth it and I know I count you as one of my inspirations. :D
    2868 days ago
    Good for you! SP is so helpful - we're all in it together in one way or another. Be proud - you didn't HAVE to choose stay on board - but you did - and you're encouraging everyone who reads this to do the same! Great blog!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2868 days ago
    Hear, hear! (or is it Here here?)

    I'm with you. And since I've still got the little bits hanging around, and my poor little old man turning 41 this year, I'm stuck being the good example I want them to follow, too...

    Maybe it's a rut? emoticon
    2868 days ago
    I'm so glad to see that you're still at it. I've been there, I've done that. It sucks! I'm happy that you didn't let yourself slip back too far into old habits. I did that once and gained back the 130 lbs that I lost. Now I'm losing it again. Keep pushing because you are worth it. There are too many positives to the healthy lifestyle.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2868 days ago
    Sorry you're not feeling well, but this blog just brightened my whole day up.

    I've noticed a similar phenomenon. I schedule a day to just go absolutely nuts, and go to the gas station looking forward to a candy bar, and chips, and to hell with the tracker!

    And then I end up sitting at the kitchen table, staring at them, thinking just how much I had to sweat to work a lifetime of chips and candy bars off.

    Like you said... once you know better...
    2868 days ago
  • no profile photo CD575791
    ahh diet rage.... every one gets to dance one dance with diet rage *see my photos
    2868 days ago
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