Happy Friday. I am feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I feel GREAT in general today, but I am still a little torn about how to feel about how other people think of me when it comes to my strict diet. Here comes a long blog with some food struggles I am dealing with right now. If you don’t want to hear about it, don’t keep reading! It starts a bit negative, but I think it ends on a positive note!
It is hard expressing my struggles to people when they aren't experiencing the same as me. Thank you to everyone at Spark for their continued support. I appreciate it more than you know! We are all here to better ourselves, and I know we can all reach our goals. We will take our own paths, but each one is special, unique and important!
My food choices are in no way normal. I am sure most of you know where I am coming from when I say that! I don't get cheeseburgers from fast food joints. Somehow, this still shocks people! When I make good food choices for me, other people still don't understand WHY. I lost 94 pounds by making drastic changes to what I normally eat. I did gain back a few pounds, but I am still making healthy choices. I CANNOT stop eating the way I do, or I will gain the weight back. I also stopped eating certain foods because they upset my stomach. Even if I decided to start eating "bad" again, my stomach would not tolerate most of the food. There is no way I will give up feeling good just because it is easier to eat any food whenever I wanted!
My meals used to include items such as cheesesteaks with extra cheese, mozz sticks, crispy chicken sandwiches with mayo, 5 slices of pizza, fast food tacos, calzones, etc... Now I eat grilled chicken, ground turkey, hummus, and protein bars! If I had a perfect world, I would have a fridge full of fresh veggies, lots of grains and herbs, and hours to prepare whatever meal I wanted. Unfortunately, I do not have the luxury of having that in my life! It is even harder to deal with what I eat when other people pick at me all of the time.
I don't eat red meat, fried foods, butter, dairy and many other things. Part of why I have a strict diet is because it upsets my stomach. The other part is because it is easier for me to keep the weight off & I feel it is healthier for me. It is very hard for me to eat when I go over the home of someone else. It is a pain to try to find out what they are going to have to eat. I need to know if I should eat first? or if there is any way I can ask them to alter what they are making? I feel bad about it. I don’t get embarrassed about it anymore, but I still feel bad about it. Conflict makes me so upset. Even the thought of conflict makes me anxious. Lately my boyfriend's parents have been saying a lot about what I eat. We go over there for dinner every Sunday night. His Mom tries to make food to cater to me, but I know it isn't easy for her. His Mom and Dad make comments a lot more than I wished they would. His Dad keeps telling me to eat normal again & keeps saying my diet is too strict. His step Mom is much nicer about my choices, but she keeps asking me what I can have and what I can't have. It makes me feel bad that she is altering their whole meal because of me. I told her my own parents don't even make food for me any more - I think it is actually easier that way! My parents know my diet is strange, and I am fine with that because I make my own food at home. I told my boyfriend's parents that I am happy making my own food, but his Mom keeps saying no. But then they make comments that all I eat is chicken (not true). and it has really been bugging me lately. I have been working on my boyfriend's costume at their house & I was over there 4 nights this week. I keep hearing comments about my food. It is hard enough for me to deal with it on my own, but they keep bringing it up all the time. Sometimes I will cook for them, and they like what I make. They understand I DO eat normal food. I just make a lot of adjustments so I can eat it. Yet, they still make comments. I’ve tried talking to them, but people still say things.
We had an office breakfast meeting this morning at work. There was muffins, bagels, and fruit. Thank goodness the office manager knows I won't eat muffins or bagels and gets the fruit basically just for me. I appreciate her realizing how hard it is for me to say NO to those items. Other times, I still get grief for what I eat. My other co-workers ask me if I want some chocolate almost every day. The girl I share an office with kind of understands why I eat what I do and why I say NO to many foods. However, at least once a week she still says something like "oh you can have it, chocolate is good for you". I have to say the same thing to her every - single - time she mentions it. Some co-workers joke saying all I eat it lettuce and weird foods. Others always poke fun that I barely ate anything for lunch and how can I survive on salad. I don’t even eat salad every day! They just like to assume things even though I explain them over and over…. Yes, I eat “weird” foods and I struggle with my weight. Can’t people just get over it!!?! Even right now - someone just said to me "Why didn't you have a bagel? Do you even eat them? Why can't you have a bagel with cream cheese?". Sigh!
I actually think it was easier for me to explain myself when I still had a lot of weight to lose. Now, I am "skinnier" and I don't look overweight.
People keep testing me without realizing it. I have to keep being STRONG, but it isn’t easy. I know people are glad I lost weight, but they don’t realize how much I struggle with keeping it off. It is hard to keep pushing forward when I keep hearing the same thing over and over and over again. It is hard enough for me to commit to this lifestyle. People keep questioning it & it is harder! I wish I could brush off every comment, but eventually it breaks me down a bit and I start to question if I am making the right choice. I know eating better is the smart choice, but it isn’t the easy choice.
People judge no matter what the situation is. People always have an opinion and it normally clashes with what the next person has to say. I try to not care what other people think, but this past week it has been really eating away at me. Maybe the other stress in my life just broke through a layer of my toughness? I don't know, but I am feeling a little upset about what I eat! When I feel upset about what I eat I think – WHY ME? Why can’t I eat pancakes, sausage, and eggs for breakfast and a grilled cheese with chips for lunch and loaded French fries with a cheeseburger for lunch and a sundae for dessert and not gain weight?! I swear when I look at food I gain weight!
Lately I have been struggling with my whole healthy lifestyle. I want to lose more weight, but I Don't want to starve myself. I want to continue to be healthy AND happy. It is extremely tough to balance those two things. Sometimes choosing food really stresses me out. Stress causes me to be unhappy & then I make bad food decisions! I have to make meal choices every day - 3 choices every day! Plus I have to make snack choices too! As all of you know, it is so hard deciding what to eat and it is tough actually following through with what you know you should be eating. I try to plan the best I can, but it isn't easy. Sometimes I make a sandwich, and I really just don't want to eat it! I get frustrated because I wish I could go out and get whatever I wanted to eat. Unfortunately, if I start making bad choices, I will gain the weight back so fast.
It took me 2 years to get where I am at now. When I eat poorly over a weekend, I will gain 2-3 pounds back. What if I started eating poorly every day? I will gain the weight back SO fast it would be so depressing. I would be unhealthy and I would have high blood pressure again. Even though the food struggle occurs every day, it is worth it. I have to keep reminding myself how important it is to keep doing what is best for me. When other people question and criticize even though I told them the same thing 100 times... I just have to get over it. I just really hope I don't freak out at some point. I just need to realize that people will always have something to say! They aren't trying to be mean with their words & I just need to push it aside and keep doing what I feel is best for me.
Anyways, sorry for the vent. Life is tough. I need to continue on MY path. Conflict will occur, and I need to stay strong. Even though I wish other people would stop nagging me, I just need to keep on pushing forward! My 5K is tomorrow. I have a Halloween party tomorrow night. I just need to keep living my life the best way I can!
Hopefully everyone has a great weekend. I will do my best to stay positive for the rest of the day! Keep Sparking!