A Hello (and an Apology)

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Two months to the day since I last blogged and I find myself in an odd space.

I find myself looking at SparkPeople and seeing so many new faces on the teams I'd been on (Hello there!)

I find myself needing to come back after a very public 'farewell' post.

I find myself feeling the need to make an apology.

Funny thing about the word 'apology' - it doesn't mean what a lot of us think it does (at least, it doesn't always.)

As Defined by the Googles:

1.a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure."we owe you an apology"
2.a very poor or inadequate example of. "we were shown into an apology for a bedroom"
3.a reasoned argument or writing in justification of something

I don't mean to just say that I'm sorry. Because I am sorry; but, I think I need to at least provide a little background.

For those just tuning in (who haven't already just commented for SparkPoints and flung themselves away)

Two months ago I declared I was leaving. And I did it, I left. I left Spark. I left Facebook. I pretty much turned off the world as I thought that I could pour myself into this mold of self-imposed isolation and motivation. And I did it. I failed. Miserably. In fact, the blog I started that lasted for about a week and a half is actually depressing to read. It actually makes me uncomfortable to read it. Because I was literally turning off what had made me so successful to this point: the people in my life.

Part of it was probably because I started to 'check-mark.' I started putting weight back on after surgery and I couldn't seem to find the motivation to put myself back in the game. I started being lax. I started being lazy. I cultivated the most terrible part of my personality: a tendency to be introverted and isolationist. Yes, I do have these delusions that I am my own personal island and that I can do everything I want to alone.

Newsflash: Two months later and I can tell the world one thing conclusively - No, I can't do it alone.

There's a great phrase I've ingrained in my mind: Nobody succeeds quietly or alone.

Say it again: NOBODY succeeds quietly or alone.

It's stunning to think about. There's a certain amount of bravery that comes with not doing weight loss quietly. First, it means you have to admit you have some kind of problem. Maybe you're not attentive enough. Maybe you need to learn to say 'no.' Maybe there are other issues; but, you very publicly and very emphatically need to show in your behaviors that you have a problem. It's saying no to more cake at office functions. It's staying later at work to make up time after you spend too long over lunch working out. It's dedicating yourself to more activity or to more energy focused on you. It's public. It's real. It's impossible to pretend it isn't happening.

When this very public CHOICE to admit and address issues around health and weight happens something even more amazing occurs: you find out who your allies are. You find out who is cheering you on. Not the people who judge you or think poorly of you - but the people who genuinely want you to do what's best for you. These can be friends, family, co workers, or even fellow bloggers. These are the people who lift you from your lows and celebrate your highs. You cannot find these people without crying from the mountaintops, "I am making a change!" These people exist in your life -- you won't find them without making the choice to yell.

I guess I'm back because I realized how much I need the support. I realize how much I benefited from this place. It wasn't a new space I needed - it was the perspective I've gained. Nobody ever succeeds quietly or alone.

For those who made it to the end: Thank you.

For those who can accept my apology: Thank you.

I'm back to daily blogs again. Tomorrow will be Day 1. It's not about the study. It's not about the tech. It's about returning to what I know works. It's about maybe being able to be someone else's support.

It's funny, the best races I've ever had weren't the ones I finished on my own: they were the ones where I was able to both be carried and to help carry those I ran with. There's a metaphor in there somewhere.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    "You can't pretend it's not happening" is a problem I deal with sometimes. I tend to hoard my business, and the public-ness of not eating what everyone else is eating or of going for a run even though I'm jiggly and slow, it's hard sometimes.

    I was gone for a year, so I missed the goodbye at the time, but I'm glad you're back.
    2593 days ago

    I as a Spark drop out and it felt a little weird coming back a couple of weeks ago. I just let life, fat and excuses take over. I miss all my old Spark friends-- I'm not the only one that was on hiatus. I am looking forward to meeting new Spark friends and re-connecting with the old gang!

    How is your running progressing? Please tell me it's awesome and you're breaking PR.

    All the best!!!!
    2640 days ago
    So happy to be reading your blog again!
    2693 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6892401
    Hello! Now you can have new friends too, like me! I'm a Spark drop out from 2010-2011 and a since then a re-gainer! I'm determined to stay on Spark this time for the long run and to eventually be a MAINTAINER on here, but first I have to lose back down to my lower range. I'm a bit introverted too, but I notice that I enjoy expressing myself through writing! Plus, I'm interested in nutrition and bettering myself in exercise. It's not really a topic people delve into in the real world. So this is a fun place to talk all about being better!
    2741 days ago
    emoticon Welcome back!
    2746 days ago
    emoticon I love the statement NOBODY succeeds quietly or alone. I am a mega introvert. I've been on SP for years and only in the last 5 months have I been able to blog or comment to others. It was the toughest part for me for sure. I just recognized that I probably have the mindset that I'll do this until it works and then go back to my introverted self. What you've said strikes me and I need to start restructuring my thinking now about what the future looks like when I feel "done". Thanks for posting and helping others on the site!
    2747 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13370898

    SparkPeople is an amazing tool. Welcome back to the fold!
    2747 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12380606
    Welcome back! A lot of people kind of fell off the face of the earth over the holidays, so I am glad to see at least one friendly face coming back :) I am still here! I continued to struggle up until the holidays, then said F IT ALL when the fam stayed for over a week. I am back at it with new determination, though, and working off the holiday pounds! Let's do some of this together :)
    2747 days ago

    You don't need us to forgive you, we are glad to have you back. However, we do forgive you if you feel you need it too! Welcome back emoticon emoticon
    2747 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13976750
    So good to see you back. We're here for you - and for ourselves. We know what it's like. One step - and today's the first. emoticon emoticon
    2747 days ago
  • TIGER_LILY_613
    Welcome back ! I definitely agree that we need support to succeed. Together, we really ARE stronger !

    emoticon emoticon
    2747 days ago

    I'm sure I'm not the only one who's missed you.

    Sometimes we need to step away from something to realize how much we need it.

    The good news is you're back!

    2747 days ago
    Welcome back
    2747 days ago
    Yipee! I've missed you and your "I CAN DO THIS" attitude! So pleased to have you back!!!
    2747 days ago
  • ALICIA214

    emoticon Glad you are back.. emoticon
    2747 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.