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I am leaving or taking a break

Wednesday, February 05, 2014

To be honest, I'm not sure which one I am doing. For now, I will call it a long break, but that may lead to leaving.

I feel like explaining myself; mostly because I've been here for almost 3 years and have made some very, very dear friends here. I truly would like to stay in touch, so if you like to email let me know. That is the reason I am not deleting my profile here either. Also in case I realize that I made a mistake, but I kinda doubt that.

Why you ask? Because my mindset is changing, in a good way. I've done a lot of reflecting lately, which I do a lot of anyway, but it's been more focused on this healthy part of my life. As I've looked back, I've realized that there was a time in my life I was very healthy. A healthy weight (although I had no idea what that was as I didn't own a scale)...I was very active and I ate to support that activity. Then I had a very traumatic first marriage. I used to think my troubles started when I had kids, but now I believe that isn't the case. And with that bad experience came the pounds. And the unhealthy living. The inactivity. The poor food choices.

And now? I'm feeling pretty good actually. I went sledding the other day!! 3 years ago I would never have done that. One of my goals where I came here was to be able to do things with my kids. And I am there now. This is not the end of the journey for me; just a shift. I am getting back to that healthy person. The one that was active and ate to support that. And that person didn't care what the scale said. She was not driven by that number. She did not care how many minutes she was active. It just mattered that she was. And that she could do everything she wanted to do. She did not care about how many calories she ate. She ate to have energy so she was able to be active. It's definitely a circular thing.

I do still remember that person, and I am finding her again. What does all this have to do with Spark? Well, I find that spark doesn't fit so well with my new (or old) philosophy. Spark tends to focus on the scale, and tracking every little thing. I just want to be, not to micromanage. Now I understand tracking and weighing in helps a lot of people. And for me it helped for awhile too. But now, it's just making me do weird things. Because I get that way. And that creates new problems that I just don't need or want. I find myself eating very little because it's the night before weigh in. Or stressing because I don't have enough exercise minutes in, and then not exercising because I like it, but because I'm supposed to.

I know we are all in different places in life. I respect that. I respect that this keeps many people accountable. For me, right now, it's making my life worse, I am no long in balance and happy.

So I am still around a little, I think. I don't want to lose touch with the many friends I have made, but I definitely need to be off spark for awhile. I need to get my head back on straight, and live a healthy lifestyle for me. One that isn't obsessive. One that is just simply, healthy.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JAIZWAYS
    Debbie - emoticon I am sad you are leaving but I totally understand your reasons. I am happy for you that you have reached that stage in your weight loss journey. emoticon I am with you on a lot of what you say.

    Personally, I do need the support of everyone and a certain amount of accountability to get these last few pounds off but I am still feeling overwhelmed with everything that is going on with BLC. emoticon I am basically sitting back and observing and doing what I can for the challenges etc.

    I echo what others have said - it would be great if you would blog occasionally and let us know how things are going for you.

    Thanks for being my big sister the first little while. I'll emoticon emoticon

    2724 days ago
  • PREDEL
    Debbie, I'm totally with Jess. I get it! I've been struggling with the same thing. I don't think I'm quite where you are. Yet. But I seem to be heading that way. The weigh-ins and challenges have been a negative for me. But on some level I know I'm still too far away from that place you're describing. Like Jess, I'd love to follow along and see where you go from here. A bog would be great. If you decide to share this journey, please let me know. A path is always easier to follow if someone ahead has left some bread crumbs. I'm rooting for you! Please keep in touch, dear girl.
    emoticon Pat
    2725 days ago
  • DONNABRIGHT
    What is most important is what works for you. So glad you have made the decision to do what is right for you!
    2725 days ago
  • MUSTANG0421
    I was never on a team with you and the title of your blog attracted me because I want to leave as in give up. After reading I realized that you weren't giving up or giving in, but moving to a new level in this journey. Best of luck to you as you set about enjoying your life with competence and confidence. emoticon
    2725 days ago
  • SIMONEKP
    good luck on the next part of your journey
    2725 days ago
  • SEAJESS
    Debbie, emoticon on choosing to act in your own best interests. That's the underlying goal, isn't it? I'm wondering whether when you do the recordkeeping you feel frustrated because you need an authentic connection with yourself? Maybe a sense of freedom and autonomy?

    emoticon Whatever your needs may be and whatever you chose to do to meet them, I'm cheering for your move in that direction. We need to experiment a little to find what works for us.

    emoticon It is a paradox - we need measures and we need NOT to get all tangled up in them. I've felt (and still feel, really) the same way about the WI and the tracking. I felt BLC wasn't working for me after that last tough thingie that Azure did last round. That rubbed me totally the wrong way and I was seriously considering not coming back. I'm still not in 100%. I had the sense that the focus on weight was trying to dress a shadow when I should be concentrating on the woman who was throwing it down. I wanted more focus on mediation, prayer and service goals.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon For me, I'm still questioning how many of my thoughts are about discovering what I need and how many are just undermining and unhelpful old grooves in my mind. I'm experimenting with BLC this time to see whether I can walk through it focused on my own non-scale goals while letting my" shadow" show up for the BLC measurements.

    emoticon For that selfish reason, I am sorry to see you leave. I would love a partner in this experiment. If it works for you, I'd love to read a blog about how your shift to another way is working for you. Because it seems to me that you are in touch with a really, truly, important principle.

    Wishing you THE BEST, now and always! Stay feisty, my friend. emoticon
    emoticon
    2725 days ago
  • IRISHBEANERGAL
    I've so enjoyed your friendship - and I hope you will keep in touch. I still have my lovely card you made me from the Going Postal group. It's just beautiful.

    I firmly believe as long as we are doing what's right for us, no one has the right to criticize. Sounds like you have found what you need to do. Best of luck on this leg of your journey.

    Be Well.

    ~Irish

    *plan to work and work your plan*
    2725 days ago
  • REFORMDEB
    We will miss you! Maybe you could post on your blog once a week so we can keep in touch with you? I hope only good things come your way!!!
    2725 days ago
  • 62ANDWINNING
    emoticon You have listened to yourself and are following. So happy for your success. Godspeed!
    2725 days ago
  • ZANNACHAN
    You'll be missed, but at least you are taking a break because you are where you want to be! My goals are similar to yours actually (well, without the kids part)--I used to be active and healthy just because that's what I was; I did things because I enjoyed them and didn't have to worry so much about how much I ate etc. I'm not back there yet--I lost too much muscle mass from being inactive after I hurt my hip, my metabolism is shot, and I'm still coping with pain. Plus grad school is eating my life. So for now, Sparks is serving the purpose of getting me back there. But I hope some day I can achieve what you did and hope to just live a healthy, active life. Way to go!
    2725 days ago
  • MALAMI518
    Wow! This really made me think. I'm starting to exhibit some of those same behaviors. For me, it's not time to leave or take a break, but it is time to realize what I'm doing. Thank you for sharing your explanation because it will certainly help me.

    Enjoy your life and your kids! I hope that you do come back from time to time to share your knowledge and wisdom, but I understand that the road you are taking may lead you in a different, exciting direction.
    2725 days ago
  • CHEETARA79
    We'll miss you! Good luck.
    2725 days ago
  • AEVANSNUTRITION
    I totally get where you're coming from!! I agree! I go back and forth with SP. I've been a member for several years now and there will be months (maybe over a year or more) between times I'll log in. Then I'll log in again and use it for a while. I think it just depends on my mood and what my goals are at the time! I do know that logging helps some people, but I also know that over time, it can become an unhealthy obsession and more controlling of one's life than it should be. I think it all depends on the person.

    Good job on making this decision for yourself and good luck! You'll do well!
    2725 days ago
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