On Losing my Dad
Monday, February 17, 2014
On October 30th, just 3 1/2 months ago my Dad, who had been battling lung cancer, lost his battle.
Since then I have been in such a reflective mood. I wasn't devastatingly sad, like I thought I should be. And even I have found that to be odd.
I remember the morning he died, my Step Mom called and my husband answered the phone.
All he said was Pam, your dad died this morning. And the oddest thing came to me, "well that's done." THAT'S DONE! What does that even mean? I said out loud to my husband, "OK." and that was all. I didn't cry, I just kept saying "I'm OK, I'm OK."
But I'm not sure I have been because I have let myself gain 14 pounds. I have kept all my weight off for years and now I have slipped. I had quit coming to Sparks and I took on a I don't care attitude unfortunately.
So no, I guess I wasn't OK. Although I haven't cried much honestly, my sorrow has been strong and I turned to the comfort I know best and that is food.
I really hate that too.
But I'm ready to stop this, I'm ready to feel good again, I'm ready to sleep through the night again, I'm ready to feel good about me and who I am again. I was losing all those things and it was happening so gradually that I wasn't noticing until now. I don't know exactly what opened my eyes but today they are wide open and I'm ready to put me first again. Death is a sad process for those left behind to come to terms with and we all do it in our own time and own way. So today, I am starting over again. I know my Dad wouldn't want me sad, he's still with me, I know this. And I'm sure he would be proud that I am getting myself back together and am ready to move forward towards better things and a better me.
Love you Daddy 04/05/1938 - 10/30/2013